alright, so this sucks. actually, it ROYALY sucks. im so broke, i can't afford food. can't afford gas. My father is even more broke, actually broke is not the word, IN DEBT is. between the two of us, we can't even fill the refrigorator. with ANYTHING.... aaaah!!! all i have to say at the moment.

so today was the final day of the move, my moms keys to the house are now on the kitchen counter, there are no more toys in my brothers room just carpet. The house is an empty shell of what it used to be. Most of the furniture is now gone. And it is now almost two am, and all that is in this house is the empty echoes of what used to be. today was a long day, woke up, showered, got chris, came back to the house, and we helped my mom move all the heavy thing into the flat for her and my brother. Chris and i then explored the surrounding area, royal oak. where we dropped in on an old friend coz who works there. its been like 2 years since i last saw him so that was cool. then chris and i went to this party we were invited to by robin. that was fun. chris got drunk. i watched. it was fun to be the youngest (besides chris). and now here i am. i didnt notice how empty this house was until just now. my dad is gone, because he works during the night, or whatever he does, i couldn't tell you, i dont know if its work or just fucking around. during the day all he does is sleep though...so i never see him anymore anyway. i don't know. yesterday night, i took apart my brothers bunk bed. it was late at night, and it just hit me. this hole situation, everything, so i burried myself into my ipod and held back the tears as my now manic father runs around dealing with watching his family move out, and my mother fights back breaking down completely while my father spits words and selfishness under his breath to my mother and then back and forth between them. as i took apart the bed slowly, it all just, i don't know. every bolt and skrew i undid just reminded me of how my dad and i put it all together just a few months ago in august, how my mom and dad where cuddling on the bed and my brother ontop and every one laughing and enjoying the new bed. i havn't cried about it..i havn't really anything about it. i'v been doing everything in my power to not think about it, and now im sitting in this empty house fighting back the tears that are already making my vision blurry. At least no one can disrupt me here. but i must remember, i'm not the victim here, i can't let my parents know that it's tough, its not nearly as hard for me as it is for them. right? its strange. im so happy for my mom, i havn't seen her smile i did today in so long, i havnt seen her unwinded, she just seemed so young today. so vibrant. it was so nice to see. her surrounded by her freinds. she was happier than i had seen her in ages. my dad on the other hand, i havn't seen him this unstable ever. he was always strong, now he's just...while i was taking the apart the bed, i just wanted to tell my dad i love him. and for some reason saying that in my head makes tears run down my face. i dont think everything gonna be fine. so now i have the house, and the flat. no more home. tommorow ill pack up a bag that i will just keep with me always. things i need you know. this house is not my home, niether is my moms flat. so starting today, im homeless. roof over my head, but no home. my dad already asked me if i could stay at my moms a week in april, he has a bunch of his freinds coming in and he would like me to stay at my moms. probably something to do with the condoms all over the basement. and since my mom and him havn't even shared a room in over a year i here, make your own assumptions (as well as the random pic's of women on his digital camera and photo's on the floor). im not the victim, they are. later

so the day was a good day, but now im depressed, and i don't know why. ok thats a lie, i do but i dont want to admit it. the day was actualy pretty good, woke up went to kanar with chris, stacie, and stacy (right there dammit, right there) and everything was fine, i saw her before everything was fine i hung out with her the night before everything was fine and then now all of a sudden im depressed. its happening again. i just want this to stop. i dont want her to mean so much to me. i HATE It... Can anyone understand that. she has a new man, i'v had my new girl in between and i thought i was moving on, but apprantley, 4 months is not long enough to not talk, so ok then, maybe i need more time. leaving Kanar (which was a blast) me going home to babysit and the girls going to an afterparty just left me mad for some reason, and now im all depressed..fuckin eh. I can't make up my mind either, if it is the fact that stacy and stacie are taking more part in something i introduced them into, or the fact that its just her......... All of a sudden, i dont want to go to western, i dotn want to see everyone therre, i dont want stacie, stacy, chris, murphy, charliote, jon, chris m, and possibly other people aswell constantly with me... With my parents sepreating and my mom and lil bro moving out, and this and that, i dont know. i dont like myself right now. i dont like how weak i feel, how weak i am. i just...i just want life to flatline for a minute you know. i dont want anyone, i want to be alone. completely alone. and when im alone, i dont want to WANT anyone by my side. just once...i want to be happy on my own....

alright, classes started today, and they all bombed. one of my classes was the wrong one, and the other was a different time because apparently im one of three people who can get up before ten to go to class. so i can't take either, and guess what. now i've been royallllly skrewed....sigh alright. on the other hand... no thats pretty much it.

so i completely forgot about the new year, i know its now the seventh, but hey im preoccupied lol. ok. so this last year, LETS NOT TO IT AGAIN. pretty much that simple. there were ups downs, more ups, more downs. summer was great, before that, not so much, after, not so much. all in all. it was a year i will remember as the year i made the most mistakes. time to correct them. alright, for this new year this is my goal, wont call it a resolution becuase no one does those, and calling it a resolution is a simple doomfull piece of crap. 1. STAY SINGLE FOR AS LONG AS POSSIBLE (meaning don't fall in love, do not, under any cercumstance fall in love you stupid piece of crap) 2. GET INTO THE SHAPE I WANT 3. ORGINIZE AND PRIORITIZE 4. GO TO COLLEGE 5. (and again) DONT FALL IN LOVE...you dont have the time

AHHH!!! i feel good. what an understatement. i feel uncontrolable, i want to scream at the top of my lungs, I want to run, run through the cold snow with bare feet. i want to roar, howl even. i feel as though my blood is on fire, running through me igniting everything. so restless. i want to run.... i can't explain it, i feel so alive, heavy, powerful. i just feel... no reason really, been a pretty lame day actually, woke up really late, had to ruch to work, got yelled at at work, got off at around 11 then went to charlottes, watched the end of diehard and went home. and here i am, running burning for this next day to come. ARRRHHH!!! hahahaha, i feel good now, powerful, frightning even. i feel.... things are really going down hill ontop of everything, melissa and i are pretty much done with, she's going off to state, mom and dad are seperating, she's looking for an apartment, i don't know where i am going to live in a couple months, let alone weeks, all my freinds are leaving, i may loose my job very soon, and i am finaly going to be able to tackle my self. and yet, i feel so powerful right now, all this, all this...is nothing. on my own, there is no one to tear me down, or distract my vision, i am an arrow with no wind, i am perfect. i remember i am alive.... later

so i woke up this morning, after going to see rent with lauren (i cried, i laughed, you know) and i woke up this morning feeling good. just, hey, its the holidays, theres are going nuts and not much of anything is really happening. There is this intresting thing happening, the anxiety for everyone to leave really. most poeple arn't even home yet and im already excited what i am going to do when they leave. As i take steps away from everybody im hoping everyone will become happy for once. no more bitching dammit. lol. i feel good today can't explain it, but i felt as though i should write. i feel like drawing. i feel like picking up my guitar. This new year will mark the beginning of my personal transformation into what i want to be. and without anyone there to distract me, i will have no excuse to fail. we shall see who is pushing you then kevin. you will be in it for yourself. lets see if you can muster up some drive. anyway, gonna go shower, see melissa and go to work. but i woke up this morning, and im just more at peace. i hope everyone, is having a happy holiday and enjoying themselves. i wish everyone for the best. i hope everyone gets what they need, finds the love they've needed, finds themselves and can finaly be happy. i know this year has been a crazy one that has had more ups and downs than ceder point. but this is life. everyone continue to live well. the past is the past, it can't always be forgotten, but it can be overcome. the past were are decisions then, we ment it, we did it, and now we will live with it. we always are trying to do whats best, as humans, we are just prone to fuck up a lot. a Hole lot. also, dont be to quick to mix in the past either, remember, things left behind where left behind for a reason, even if you can't remember the reason now.

these last two days have been amazing, last night melissa and i spent the night together again. And it was amazing. I really dont want to see her go in january...i really dont. it feels like years have passed since the summer, that this life is so rediculiously different, that everything has turned upside down, from family, to love, to where i put myself in the world, to where i want to be, to everything. and this gives me butterflies, razorblade ones, and i hate it. i feel the antisipation to be alone. like what will happen. in a year i want to go to western, so im going to start applying as soon as possible. i might room with chris spencor, or john Kardin, either one would be intresting....of all the poeple, nick got really excited. Stacie's boyfriend, lol. i think he's excited about another person to hang with besides andrew. lol so i bought the rascal flats cd today, its awesome. it brings back thoughts of the fair, the road. i want to be on the road again, the road to fair, and kanar. with blue skies, good weather, laughter. But i can't imagine myself there without the stacie's, but you know what, thats what i will plan. chris will want to go, but one time, i will go on my own. i want to be in kanar, i know its escapism, i know larping (live action role play) is the most geeky thing on earth, but ts so much fun, and its freedom. its acres of fantasy and freedom. thats what it feels like, freedom. i dont know what will happen from day to day, but at the same time i feel as though every day is the same. so bipolar. later.

well today is my birthday, whipee....(sarcasm) it was cool and all you know. the morning was great, spent my bday money on registering my car, that money lasted a hole 2 hours, got it at 7 was gone at 9..haha. after that melissa took me to breakfast and bought me a book, i also boughrt myself a bigger journal/sketch book thing for the spell book needed in kanar. (i miss that place, i was so rediculiously happy there) went to biggies, we talked about kanar, and just chilled, laughed, lol...chris. thats a freind. then went to work at 1:30 worked, worked some more, got off 10, and here i am. can't go out cause i have work at 7 am, then there really isnt anyone to go out with is there....(haha, end of december marks the end of the companions i do have) yeah, chris is leaving at the end of december to return to perdue, melissa is going to state, and i have seperated myself from all others with such vigor that i have no intrest in seeing them. but at least the ones i like come home for holiday break right....(things will get intresting) I spent a lot of the day thinking about where i was 3 months ago, 6 months ago a year ago...2 years so on you know. can't believe so much is different. can't believe i'm in this state. i think im going to go to western so i can do ROTC and criminal justice, do my years as an officer, and be happy....but then again, its western, don't want to deal with certain elements at western. but half a year as it seems has a way of turning the world inside out.....what evils await. today was over all a good day you know, but i wish i could have done more besides work...i can't wait to pick up my guitar, i dont know what i will call her yet, ill think of something. Life is funny. part of what is bothering me i guess is so childish, there were two people who called about my birthday this year, or said anything other than my parents who i didnt mention it too first. and that was chris and melissa. last year, so many more, a year before that countless. ha. i'v done it to myself. so yeah, its my birthday. happy birthday kevin. you loser. happy birthday. (i really need to cheer up, i mean it wasnt really as bad as i made it sound, but this place just brings out a place of complete "hey write what hurts" sort of thing) what i like about this hole thing is that, unless you read this, you'd never know i felt this way, not from the way i acted.

Tearing at my skin again, living as a hypocrit is that of a torment. This day leaves me in a almost trance like state, no trance is to vague, i feel burned-out, like the wick of a candle, burning for six days longer than intended. the wax that burns off is dripping down feeding me again, the things that torment and feed the flames of the past continue and there are days i can forget, but now, with this empty house, a bad day at work, and stacy calling me the asshole, and fury running rampant inside my skull as if my brain itself was smaching against my head in an attempt to free itself...stupid bitch. She is lost in her selfpity, but perhaps so am i. hypocritical melissa is great, but i can't see a relationship or a future, so what do i do, i should be strong and say hey, lets go our seperate ways. but no, im weak. hypocritical i need to change myself, and i will. this stand off with stacy will end, i will become the person i was before, im just starting to deal with the abortion thing, and i need to do it alone. i REALLY need to do it alone...

So things are moving along. Work is becoming more and more annoying with the holidays, it seems that everyone is flipping out over simple things, and the leadership in the store has a stick up thier ass. Im so glad my supervisor is the only one in the store with some sence. So holloween came and went, that was quick, can't say much. got dressed up for work, came home afterwards and played video games. not much eh. Anyway. Last night i hung out with some people from work, gary, and sam. Sams just a fun person to be around, and gary is an older me. ha. sorta, not really. he introduced me to Kanar, which is a LARP (live action role playing) and im intrested cause its pretty much a renfair where u run around in the woods for three days and beat the shit out of eachother and act like your in a world filled with magic....now thats escapism if i ever herd it. it'll be a blast. And it'll let my inner geek run free...anyway, we went to ramshorn at just talked. ended up talking about sexual adventures and best buy and all that jazz...it was fun. i liked having conversation with new people...i liked it a lot. I mean, to be honest, the only people i converse with are Chris, and i'v been avoiding seeing melissa more than once a week because i dont want things to get complicated, more importantly, i dont want her as more as a freind. And i was quickly reminded by chris that i have not had a close female freind that did not involve an attraction...wait just thought of one, ha, Angelica. nevermind im in the clear. HAHAHA, suck on that chris. i wish things where as easy everyday as they seemed last time i wrote. havn't really talked to stacy in almost 2 weeks now, and...i dont know. i miss her. dammit all. as angry as i am, i still miss her. fuck. I mean honestly, she probably isnt even thinking of me, probably is mad at me for something and dosn't even realize she has hurt me in anyway...probably completely self obsorbed in yourself, god i miss that girl. blah. Im scared at the fact that in a few weeks (i believe 3) my birthday pops up, and thier college break shows up. meaning she'll be back in town. im afraid of being able to say no to her...or then again, im also afraid that she wont call at all...i mean its sick really ANYWAY!!! i do have to admit, that perhaps i have been going about things the wrong way. For years now i have been trying to figure myself out, and to do that i believed that i needed to be alone, well apparently that shit hasnt worked. i just need to have fun and see where things take me. my god, this is all to serious. lets just see what happens. later.

alright. so things happened. stacy came home, felt used, had sex, felt used. took her and chris to western, felt more used stayed two days, felt like a tool and then left. haha. my body decided to die while she was here and i was there. a fever, broncitus, u know, the usual. do mind this was a week ago now. charlotte hosted me for a night there, that was cool. left western with a bitter taste in my mouth, chris stayed up there till friday... the drive back was a sort of tripped out surge of anger, self rethinking, inner termoil, and eventual calm. we havnt talked in a little over a week. and i want it this way. let her live her life, we'll see what happens. haha. also found out she slept with evan, from evan of course. more lies from her. fun isnt it. so sad, so pathetic, she lies now about things she dosnt need to lie about. to bad, i am gone now. she wont have me back again. so 332 miles later, here i am back at home, and a lot more at peace. been having fun with melissa. dont think anything relationship wise is going to happen though. not now. dont want one. niether does she. but for the both of us its a fix of not being lonely and some mutual enjoyment of skin. she's awesome though. we will see what happens. but right now, i just need to be alone. still have no idea what i want to do with myself. trying to decide. thinking cop maybe. i dont know. what i want to do is save up money and fly to hawai and join a commune. haha. living of the land. and just seeing what happens when a person really puts aside this social system and leaves. one day i will see. so man your battlestations, there is a storm front coming, a type of storm not natural. almost demonic. it has aim. it has fury. and i am waiting, sword to the sky. for lighting to strike.... haha. im feeling ok, not content, but a lot bettter. later

these last seven days have been a swirl of delusion, escapism, fun, sadness, happyness, lonelyness, excitement, and complete randomosity. things are getting back to normal... Well Biggie is back in town, and because of a psychiatric evalutaion has decided to stay at home to battle off a growing and overpowering bit of suicidal depression he will be staying until his next semester at purdue begins. and so hilariousy always continues with the two of us. after seeing "waiting" we have adopted the "the naked ball sack game" to our own. man thats gross. anyway, you'll only understand if you've see the movie. I'v been spending most of my time with Biggie, to be honest, he's a nice distraction. But with him comes a lot of the past. through freinds and such you know. its just kind of crazy. and im not sure if i like it. i can call him and hang out. but im not sure if its a good thing. i really want to seperate myself from everyone except biggie. But when im with biggie it just dosn't happen.... I miss stacy. And im afraid that we will grow apart. we will both change in these up coming times, and i still love her. and i can't say no to that, not to her. i hope i dont work some time this weekend. She's thinking of coming down this weekend. i hope so, i havn't seen her in a while. her and evan arn't together anymore. (that was quick, wonder what happened, she wont tell me because she says she wants to protect me, she dosnt understand, my imagination has gone through every posibility the first time she told me they were together. I always over exagerate and imagine way to clearly, thats why i dont really freak about events that happen in real time, my mind already went through the actual event...again and again and again...silly girl) if she comes home, i wonder what will happen. love, lust, happyness....eh. i know what i want to happen, i want her...easy right. hahaha, kevin your an idiot. anyway, things are going ok, feel overworked, and confused. after talking to heather, i feel very bad about myself. she's been at biggies a couple times now and she babysits these kids, and it kills her...ANYWAY the more time i spend in this place, the more hopeless it feels. Constantly every second of every day is now consumed by the question: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH YOUR LIFE im turning 20 in december, 20. how sick is that. im already planning some form of get away. I really wouldn't mind spending it alone or at least with someone that i can just escape with. Its a tuesday, a new release day, so i'll definitly be working. Damn you kevin for having to be good at your job. i dont know, this soul searching thing isnt really working out. all i come up with is the same thing. the same thing. not what i want to be, but who i want to be with. is there something wrong with that? is that a normal dream? the more i think about it, the more it frightens me that i have convinced myself that i would be happy being with her, no matter what i was doing, someone tell me there is something wrong with that, or at least some sort of reasoning (this is where i point at the comment box, but realize that no one reads this). Reminder, CUT HAIR. i want to go to school, but i dont know where, and i dont know for what reasons. I want to do something outside, or maybe teaching, or perhaps nursing. For teaching and nursing, western has a good program, but whenever the word western comes into play, doubt fills my head and my mind starts to figure out if i really want to go to western for the education or the girl. haha. stupid brain.but back to my birthday (kevin ur ADD, stop it) i can't take off work because holiday hours wont permit it. it sucks. i do get paid vacation though, so HIZAH!!! Biggie is my best freind, but he we are not alike. we are similar and very different. sometimes i feel as though i am stuck in a world, where the norm is to drink, smoke and do drugs. wait, it is the norm. Even heather is now deep into the world of drinking. Stacy has "opened" up to it. and i wonder. maybe im just wierd. it dosn't matter, ill stay wierd anyway. i dont look down on those who do, i mean come on, i know my freinds. but for some reason, i know i would look down on myself. sigh. the world continues to turn, even if you fall off. so today, i get off work at a quarter to eleven, call biggie, he says come to the bowling alley, people are here. i drive half an hour to them, i see them for maybe 15 minutes, then they tell me hey, where going to the apartment ( i can't go there because Zack aparantly hates my guts and said i can't step into the apartment) so then i leave. and drive another 30 minutes back to my house. WTF was the point of that...honestly.And the problem is that zack is just weak. he wont act like he hates me or anything, he wont tell me, or guesture me, he just tells everyone and says things behind my back...poor thing...there are positive feelings aabout being hated, the feeling of power comes so easily. like your ontop of the world almost, but in an evil sort of way. Much like a hey, im so bad you dont want to fuck with me sort of thing. im a bastard. a sick hell deserving bastard. But things are going ok...yeah...things are going ok...i promise, im ok kevin.... liar.

so now its 11 pm, i just got off work and am completely in aww about the last twenty four hours. yesterday, i got off work at 8, headed home, changed. and met up with biggie at bakers square. There were a lot of us there, biggie, kaz, angelica, chrissy, sarah, murphy, and heather. heather. it was the first time we had seen eachother in four months. Everyone was expecting some explosion of doom, especially kaz...who after the uneventfull first meeting at bakers square had to leave, so did angelica. so the night progressed, we were going to go to the apartment, but midway there, i got a call saying we can't, apparantly zack will not allow me into his appartment. oh well. anyone is free to feel the way they want. even hate. so we go and sit outside sarah's house (i bought everyone food) then we went to coney just sat there while chrissy ate and we all had some drinks. sarah leaves. so then i am convinced to go to the apartment (cause everyone is sleeping there except me of course) and we can all go for a walk. since i can't go inside...haha.we get there chrissy goes inside to be with zack. and so its biggie, murphy, heather and i going for a walk around the apartments area. which starts dramatic as is, heather gives me a hug and starts crying, she hides it from the others, and the four of us start walking. we have fun u know laughing, singing, just talking. so as time goes by heather and i are actually talking. it seems over the summer we both have found a love for country. damn, its like cancer. so midnight rolls around. and we have probably walked about 3 miles and are back where we started, and chris and murphy go upstairs to the apartment cause thier tired as shit. heather and i keep walking. we talk. we talk about the last months, we talk about everything thats going on. we talk about the things i dont talk to anyone about: my mom, my dad, my brother, more importantly the abortion. i dont talk to anyone about how i feel about it. how i feel about it...no one will understand. i couldnt talk to stacy about it, because it brought up heather. no one understands, heather was all alone during that time, all alone. and i left her there. even if it wouldnt have been as a lover, i should have been there for that. but i should have been there. we talked about what happened. it was...it was strange. we talked about how and why she's drinking to forget. god i left her alone to deal with it. we kept walking. kept talking. we sat down everynow and then. cried. kept walking. kept talking. we even talked about stacy. we talked about stacy, HEATHER AND I talked about stacy and i. god i left her alone. she had no one, she hasn't told anyone about the abortion, no one. she was all alone. god what have i done. as we talked, and ended up even holding hands, i realized that heather loves me, like i love stacy. forever forgiving, even after she knew everything. and i didnt say it, heather did. we walked until 7 in the morning. there werent ten minutes that went by, where i didnt say sorry. no one will understand. i left her, i left her alone during a mess that WE created. that i created. and where was i... bliss god i deserve nothing. i am dirt, i am should be so lifeless. we talked about things, that i kept inside, how angry i am at my mom for the way she treated heather, the fact that whats happenign to my family is NOT ok (as i like to put it), that i'm heartbroken.... we creid together. i deserve nothing but lonelyness now. already, i get off work today and i make a few calls and i already get asked if heather and i did anything, if we are getting back together. thier sick. they will never understand. nothing happened how could it. i couldnt do that to her and she couldnt do it either. but no one can understand that. its simple actually. i still love stacy. i would give up anything again if she asked me. but no one will understand that. its been 3 years since i looked in the mirror and have been able to focus on myself. and i'v racked up a lot of bad energy, i have become things i said i never wanted to be, a liar, a cheater, a coward, a monster. she told me, i dont hate you, i hate what u did. she told me that i fell inlove with two poeple, and the one i loved more was not her, she told me these things, she told me. and she asked me questions about what really happened. i told her, left nothing back. no more lies. she knows everything, and while i did she clenched my hand. i saw her that night, and i felt so sick with myself. time again and again i asked her how she could even look at me, how she could hold my hand while we walked. im pure evil. i am no good. i am not worth anything...but she still was there, honesty between us. and that moment i knew, that she loved me the way i love stacy. ever forgiving. i deserve misery. i need to be alone, i deserve every ounce of depression i get. it seems that no one will punish me for my crimes, so i will take lonelyness. i will take it all, i will make it worse, i will punish myself with tears. and i will punish myself with things my mind creates. myself. im still in love with stacy. and as for now if she asked for me back i would go to her. but because of this i need to be alone now, absolutely alone. i can't touch another girl without feeling empty. even holding diana's hand while i led her through crowds i felt faulty. i felt sick with myself. its been more than 3 years since i have really been alone. there was charlotte, not even 2 months later i was with heather, and then stacy. i have spent all my time focused on others, and now i need to look at myself. and i dont like what i see. i have become a liar, a cheater, a father...a murderer. inside of me i know it all happened for the best. but i also remember, not only remember feel, the possibilities of daddy's little girl, or my son. dear god i have betrayed you two times now. i tried taking my life years ago, and i have succeeded in taking another. and i left heather alone with the thought of murder. i am a beast. i am sin. i deserve every bit of pain. and because of this i will not complain about it any longer. i wont let others into this place anymore. i will weap i will scar i will burn. i will have to face myself, i need to heal myself before anything can be done. stacy. i dont understand. she proclaims love, that i am the only thing keeping her sain, that she loves me. that what she wants is the summer, what she wants is me. but now she is with someone else. she says it was the distance. distance is nothing, distance is an excuse, for me, for true love, distance is nothing. love is not hindered by miles. lonelyness has been the excuse i have given her, but i was lonely, i am lonely and i do not go to others, even though oppurtunity knocks. i am still in love. it is not fair to evan, not fair to her, not fair to me. but i deserve this. i want her to be happy now, forget about me. let her be bright and beautiful. i want to her to be happy. heather said that stacy will always be there in my life, i wonder. am i now stuck in the bitterness born of a casablanca like world. will she return. do i want her to. her skin is touching another, she is giving herself to another. she is not mine. her words are coming up short to her actions, her love is weak, or perhaps i am simply not what she needs. i woke up feeling better than i have in a long time. even though i woke up at 4:15, and i had to be at work at 3:30. i am crow. i am black winged, and am the representation of myself.

alright, so now that i have slept and its not 4 am im a little more level. so yeah, after i got off the phone i flipped, but on her cd, and did the usual. lonelyness has beat out love, in this round anyway. so we talked on the phone before i went to bed at around 5:30ish in the morning, and wow, theres a menace to my head. she told me that all she wants is to go back to summer, if i was there we would be together, and that she loves me... and that im the only thing that can make her happy. beautiful. so now, lets see what happens. lets see how much things will get twisted, how love will take my inards and continue to plague them with pains. lets make a prediction of what will happen when i know thier spending a night together...and i am spend idling my head around the concept: my imagination (as good as it is) will see them together, i will here them saying things to eachother, i will flip out with jealiousy and try to contain myself with the thought that she is happy then i will stumble across the road block that she isn't because she still loves me, then i will question that because i can't touch a girl without feeling like dirt how can she be with someone else. then finaly i will take the shit mentality and like the insane person i am somehow bring about hope...hope that will keep me completely in love. cause out off everything, thats what i can do. yeah, ...now im gonna go to work. when i get off work, im going to call her like she asked me. so can someone tell me what the hell is going on, cause i dont know. things arn't even close to being over...nope. something else has to go wrong. gut feeling. and to be honest, my gut feelings have been rigth so far, i mean evan, i said that the first weekend. haha. gut feelings right. yeah, now i need to mess something up too. i did something to deserve this. so now i will deal with it. heres looking at u kid.

so she's not lonely anymore. thats how she told me she wasn't alone anymore. she's with Evan now. i guess that's what i wanted. i didn't want her to be lonely anymore...i can lie to the world, but i can't lie to myself. i dont want this. I want her to be happy, i want her not to be lonely anymore, and i guess she's not...but now it seems the world has stopped. i spent the night with dia tonight. it was her birthday. we went to canada, she had a couple drinks we danced, got dinner. took her home, fell asleep on her couch and went home...i dont want to touch another person. holding her hand while i was helping her around, felt empty. no love. i dont want anyone...anyone.. on the drive home i collapsed, cried like a little bitch all the way home. can't sleep. so now she wont be lonely. now i can really be alone...i want to be so alone. i dont know what is going on. if i was there, would we still be together. if so is she only with him because she's lonely. dosn't matter. she would take a million dollars and never meet me, so i guess i dont mean much eh. money. ha. i dont know what she wants from me now. she acts the same. she still wants me to call her. we are actually on the phone right now, and when she gets off im gonna put on her cd, and slip into a bubble of depression. i was never so tempted to just give in and drown myself in liquor. life is not getting better.

alright, so work is ok. things are moving along. not really sure if i want that though. i know that if i continue work thier, im not gonna go to school seriously, just because it offers me a feeling of imnportance and some social interaction. tonight is like the last nights, came home from work. well its actually a little more sad. biggie, diana, kat, charlotte all came home tonight, but i still went home. nothing to do. no one to hang out with. apparently biggie got kidnapped when i called him, lots of voices, all familier. oh well. so i went to the movie's alone. got there, decided there was nothing to watch, went back home, hooked up my xbox (which i havnt done in at least 5 months) and got my ass handed to me by these annoying low level kids who either bragged about how good they were, or yelled fuck fuck fuck in the mike, or yelled out racist or sexist things, and all i could do, was nothing... i used to be thrice thier skill. now, sad. pathetic cause i havn't played. ah so once again here i am. dammit. spent 45 minutes in the dark...from the floor..looking at my room, because it looked different from there...

work, i like work. at work im active. i like work...butting getting off work and going home and going to bed. sucks. i want to be back at work. i have something to do. i have drive. work. im starting to enjoy work more and more. and now i feel weak again. more alone now. was gonna hang with murphy, but no. i think the most depressing thing is no messages. i get home my mom tells me i didn't do this or that. she tells me that i need to get out of this "shlump" that i need to get a drive for what freinds i want, what kind of girlfreind i want, i need to feel better, i need this or that...saying it is easy. and coming from her almost laughable. i just want to pack my bags and leave all of this. but the funny part is. theres no place to go. plus, i like work. i'v decided against animation. i dont have the drive for it, i dont love it. like others do. i don't want to sit infront of a computer. i dont want that. so lost...these days seem to all end the same. these feelings inside of me...im gonna face this alone. i will submerce myself in it. i will dive into it and let it fill my lungs. i will become a creature of it. until i wield fins to manuver through it with ease. everything can be adapted to. till morning. sigh. there is so much going on, and yet so little. everyone in my house has problems, so i feel bad, as though i can't go to them. my parents seperating is creating such tension, that the family unit is gone. i dont want to move out because of my little brother, i dont want him to loose his dad and his big brother all at once, but staying here isnt keeping me sane either. stacy has left me, and to be honest, overpowers all other problems, they seem so insignigicant...she'd hit me if she herd that. i dont know what i want to do in life. i dont have any freinds left, between them going to college, and the others falling away after the whole heather ordeal. and the few remnants, or aquantences here, dont cut it. i think i have more enemies in this place than freinds...my own fault i guess. can't be mad at them, only me. and this last almost month now, has been a constant rerun of depression...and i want it to stop...but these razorblade butterflies remind me of what i had. and god knows i miss having her wake up in my bed. let alone having her just think of me. ah. im just so pathetic now u know. at least tonight i'm being more comforting to myself, it'll all be ok....it'll all be ok.

alright, so after these last few days i realize im growing more and more unstable. i really need to get things straight. i think i might hold off on going to school full time in december, and just take a few classes, maybe 2. i really want to concentrate on getting on with things. put a little more effert into work. and as it sits right now, after the holidays, move away from the family. I here there might be a lot of supervisor openings coming very soon, all around the state. If i stay where i am thats cool, if i go somewhere new, thats even cooler. im depressed all the time. all the time. and it hasnt been that long i guess, but i can't just sit here. i cant let it get any worse. im bitter, and im impatient. my mom and i are constantly fighting now, partially because of my additude. im growing more and more antisocial. chris says we need to talk get shit straight. and i need to find a way not to be. this is not how i imagined things. not at all. maybe instead of fighting this alone all the time. maybe i just need to accept the fact that for right now, the only way im going to do anything with my life. is alone. im gonna take a break. really, no aim. no calling. just im gonna be so alone, that lonely, will get bored with me. no strength, no vicotry. i wont extend my hand, unless a hand extends to me first. this will be hard, it will be lonely, but it will make me face my problems. problems, that i didnt know i had.... how very criptic. i feel as if i myself am some UFO, and im looking up at myself not knowing what will happen, or even how i got here. Things around me in blaze, lights, unknown. a figure out of the light above. me, then, now, what will be. can't tell from the silohette...

...moan....... what a night, holy shit. what the hell was that. honestly. flipping out like that. eh. i just read the update from last night too. bipolor dammit. oh man, i feel like just woke up out of some rediculous cacoon. last night i just lost it i guess. crying, clawing...laying in bed crying till i fall asleep, lonely. dammit. so weak. i blame this all on casablanca. i took the link to this diary off of my aim sn, since i did it purely out of attention purposes. strange is the fact that i hid it. Made all the font the same color and underlined as the hyperlink. hidden, but there. but now its gone. so it dosnt matter. so sad. well, im gonna shower now, and just bum around till work. fucking casablanca. all i do is bitch lately. its making me sick. is that all i am: comnplaining. see, im even doing it now. how very criptic. but this place, is my place. i can say whatever i want here....but now i really need to get some things done. here's looking at you kid. now i need to go pee.