now i am lost in my head. running around the labyrinth that is my brain. and the more i try to run from the razorblade butterflies that have occupied my body. the deeper i delve into thought, and the more stronger they become. I have seen alex twice in the last week. 2 days in a row. what a mistake. i first saw him for 3 hours at beverly,we met there at midnight it brought all my inadequacy back into me. every thought of me never being able to live up to alex. My head filled with the fact that Alex and Stacy where always better than Kevin and Stacy. i can't say it refilled my brain, some thoughts never left. but that is all he talks about, we joke, we say this and that, but all he has to say is the past. he is nothing but the past. his introduction of me to his friends is always the same, this is the bastard, haha: what a sad life. the second time we hung out was the day after it was me, and him in the afternoon, then later on murphy. it was amusing. as the day went by the more pathetic he got. he is not a victim, he is simply the creation of his own lazyness. and as time past that day, and he tried to create an image of thier everlasting love and how they had so much between them. it had the opposite effect he wished. i loved her more everymoment. and by the days end, as he had lied to me again, and again, and again the concept of him being better than i had vanished. as i watched alex and murphy make out on my couch, i put on my headphones, and started to draw, i fooled them of course. they asked i showed them an old picture. i drew freedom, i drew perfection. i drew stacy and i together, in the pose that signify's us (to me anyway)...i laughed for murphy. and i laughed at alex. like a dog. he latched on so quickly. after that day. calling me everyday, trying to recindle the old relationship. he called murphy everyday, until she blew up at him. he is clinging on now. he is the wanting. and i am not. that is a freindship that will die. for i do not hate him. i loath him. i loath what he stands for. who he is. what he was. i loath the fear i still have of him; of her ever going back to him. for i am not as deluded as he is. and if there ever is a time where they are together again, i pray for her soul. i pray for her happyness. but he is nothing but a weak, delerious boy. if he was an animal, i would have freed it from its misery long ago...i want to leave this all behind. but as of right now, i am lonely. so very lonely. i am awake with the energy of a thousand suns, and withnothing to do my mind will continue to create these razorblade butterflies using every bit of energy it can find. and today, it is getting harder and harder to appreciate the pain. but i will remember love. i still love her. i love her so much...as she is now laying in her bed...i will lay in mine. and i hope she calls me tommorow. i want to see her again. i want to take her out. i want to love her.i want to just spend time with her but perhaps, it will not happen. perhaps she will only see me on sunday, on a sad occasion...and this era of without her, will begin without doubt. i love her. i love her. i love her. i love her. i love her. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you. i love you, no matter how many times i say it, i will continue to live without a response. i miss her so much. live life right?... life life one day she may have forgotten all about me, on that day, dear god apollo, when she looks up at the stars, i am burning star IV. let her see me and remember me. drag my star into her memories, and let it burn bright. let her remember how i loved her, and then release her to true happyness, who ever with. later.