these last seven days have been a swirl of delusion, escapism, fun, sadness, happyness, lonelyness, excitement, and complete randomosity. things are getting back to normal... Well Biggie is back in town, and because of a psychiatric evalutaion has decided to stay at home to battle off a growing and overpowering bit of suicidal depression he will be staying until his next semester at purdue begins. and so hilariousy always continues with the two of us. after seeing "waiting" we have adopted the "the naked ball sack game" to our own. man thats gross. anyway, you'll only understand if you've see the movie. I'v been spending most of my time with Biggie, to be honest, he's a nice distraction. But with him comes a lot of the past. through freinds and such you know. its just kind of crazy. and im not sure if i like it. i can call him and hang out. but im not sure if its a good thing. i really want to seperate myself from everyone except biggie. But when im with biggie it just dosn't happen.... I miss stacy. And im afraid that we will grow apart. we will both change in these up coming times, and i still love her. and i can't say no to that, not to her. i hope i dont work some time this weekend. She's thinking of coming down this weekend. i hope so, i havn't seen her in a while. her and evan arn't together anymore. (that was quick, wonder what happened, she wont tell me because she says she wants to protect me, she dosnt understand, my imagination has gone through every posibility the first time she told me they were together. I always over exagerate and imagine way to clearly, thats why i dont really freak about events that happen in real time, my mind already went through the actual event...again and again and again...silly girl) if she comes home, i wonder what will happen. love, lust, happyness....eh. i know what i want to happen, i want her...easy right. hahaha, kevin your an idiot. anyway, things are going ok, feel overworked, and confused. after talking to heather, i feel very bad about myself. she's been at biggies a couple times now and she babysits these kids, and it kills her...ANYWAY the more time i spend in this place, the more hopeless it feels. Constantly every second of every day is now consumed by the question: WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU GOING TO DO WITH YOUR LIFE im turning 20 in december, 20. how sick is that. im already planning some form of get away. I really wouldn't mind spending it alone or at least with someone that i can just escape with. Its a tuesday, a new release day, so i'll definitly be working. Damn you kevin for having to be good at your job. i dont know, this soul searching thing isnt really working out. all i come up with is the same thing. the same thing. not what i want to be, but who i want to be with. is there something wrong with that? is that a normal dream? the more i think about it, the more it frightens me that i have convinced myself that i would be happy being with her, no matter what i was doing, someone tell me there is something wrong with that, or at least some sort of reasoning (this is where i point at the comment box, but realize that no one reads this). Reminder, CUT HAIR. i want to go to school, but i dont know where, and i dont know for what reasons. I want to do something outside, or maybe teaching, or perhaps nursing. For teaching and nursing, western has a good program, but whenever the word western comes into play, doubt fills my head and my mind starts to figure out if i really want to go to western for the education or the girl. haha. stupid brain.but back to my birthday (kevin ur ADD, stop it) i can't take off work because holiday hours wont permit it. it sucks. i do get paid vacation though, so HIZAH!!! Biggie is my best freind, but he we are not alike. we are similar and very different. sometimes i feel as though i am stuck in a world, where the norm is to drink, smoke and do drugs. wait, it is the norm. Even heather is now deep into the world of drinking. Stacy has "opened" up to it. and i wonder. maybe im just wierd. it dosn't matter, ill stay wierd anyway. i dont look down on those who do, i mean come on, i know my freinds. but for some reason, i know i would look down on myself. sigh. the world continues to turn, even if you fall off. so today, i get off work at a quarter to eleven, call biggie, he says come to the bowling alley, people are here. i drive half an hour to them, i see them for maybe 15 minutes, then they tell me hey, where going to the apartment ( i can't go there because Zack aparantly hates my guts and said i can't step into the apartment) so then i leave. and drive another 30 minutes back to my house. WTF was the point of that...honestly.And the problem is that zack is just weak. he wont act like he hates me or anything, he wont tell me, or guesture me, he just tells everyone and says things behind my back...poor thing...there are positive feelings aabout being hated, the feeling of power comes so easily. like your ontop of the world almost, but in an evil sort of way. Much like a hey, im so bad you dont want to fuck with me sort of thing. im a bastard. a sick hell deserving bastard. But things are going ok...yeah...things are going ok...i promise, im ok kevin.... liar.