so now its 11 pm, i just got off work and am completely in aww about the last twenty four hours. yesterday, i got off work at 8, headed home, changed. and met up with biggie at bakers square. There were a lot of us there, biggie, kaz, angelica, chrissy, sarah, murphy, and heather. heather. it was the first time we had seen eachother in four months. Everyone was expecting some explosion of doom, especially kaz...who after the uneventfull first meeting at bakers square had to leave, so did angelica. so the night progressed, we were going to go to the apartment, but midway there, i got a call saying we can't, apparantly zack will not allow me into his appartment. oh well. anyone is free to feel the way they want. even hate. so we go and sit outside sarah's house (i bought everyone food) then we went to coney just sat there while chrissy ate and we all had some drinks. sarah leaves. so then i am convinced to go to the apartment (cause everyone is sleeping there except me of course) and we can all go for a walk. since i can't go inside...haha.we get there chrissy goes inside to be with zack. and so its biggie, murphy, heather and i going for a walk around the apartments area. which starts dramatic as is, heather gives me a hug and starts crying, she hides it from the others, and the four of us start walking. we have fun u know laughing, singing, just talking. so as time goes by heather and i are actually talking. it seems over the summer we both have found a love for country. damn, its like cancer. so midnight rolls around. and we have probably walked about 3 miles and are back where we started, and chris and murphy go upstairs to the apartment cause thier tired as shit. heather and i keep walking. we talk. we talk about the last months, we talk about everything thats going on. we talk about the things i dont talk to anyone about: my mom, my dad, my brother, more importantly the abortion. i dont talk to anyone about how i feel about it. how i feel about it...no one will understand. i couldnt talk to stacy about it, because it brought up heather. no one understands, heather was all alone during that time, all alone. and i left her there. even if it wouldnt have been as a lover, i should have been there for that. but i should have been there. we talked about what happened. it was...it was strange. we talked about how and why she's drinking to forget. god i left her alone to deal with it. we kept walking. kept talking. we sat down everynow and then. cried. kept walking. kept talking. we even talked about stacy. we talked about stacy, HEATHER AND I talked about stacy and i. god i left her alone. she had no one, she hasn't told anyone about the abortion, no one. she was all alone. god what have i done. as we talked, and ended up even holding hands, i realized that heather loves me, like i love stacy. forever forgiving, even after she knew everything. and i didnt say it, heather did. we walked until 7 in the morning. there werent ten minutes that went by, where i didnt say sorry. no one will understand. i left her, i left her alone during a mess that WE created. that i created. and where was i... bliss god i deserve nothing. i am dirt, i am should be so lifeless. we talked about things, that i kept inside, how angry i am at my mom for the way she treated heather, the fact that whats happenign to my family is NOT ok (as i like to put it), that i'm heartbroken.... we creid together. i deserve nothing but lonelyness now. already, i get off work today and i make a few calls and i already get asked if heather and i did anything, if we are getting back together. thier sick. they will never understand. nothing happened how could it. i couldnt do that to her and she couldnt do it either. but no one can understand that. its simple actually. i still love stacy. i would give up anything again if she asked me. but no one will understand that. its been 3 years since i looked in the mirror and have been able to focus on myself. and i'v racked up a lot of bad energy, i have become things i said i never wanted to be, a liar, a cheater, a coward, a monster. she told me, i dont hate you, i hate what u did. she told me that i fell inlove with two poeple, and the one i loved more was not her, she told me these things, she told me. and she asked me questions about what really happened. i told her, left nothing back. no more lies. she knows everything, and while i did she clenched my hand. i saw her that night, and i felt so sick with myself. time again and again i asked her how she could even look at me, how she could hold my hand while we walked. im pure evil. i am no good. i am not worth anything...but she still was there, honesty between us. and that moment i knew, that she loved me the way i love stacy. ever forgiving. i deserve misery. i need to be alone, i deserve every ounce of depression i get. it seems that no one will punish me for my crimes, so i will take lonelyness. i will take it all, i will make it worse, i will punish myself with tears. and i will punish myself with things my mind creates. myself. im still in love with stacy. and as for now if she asked for me back i would go to her. but because of this i need to be alone now, absolutely alone. i can't touch another girl without feeling empty. even holding diana's hand while i led her through crowds i felt faulty. i felt sick with myself. its been more than 3 years since i have really been alone. there was charlotte, not even 2 months later i was with heather, and then stacy. i have spent all my time focused on others, and now i need to look at myself. and i dont like what i see. i have become a liar, a cheater, a father...a murderer. inside of me i know it all happened for the best. but i also remember, not only remember feel, the possibilities of daddy's little girl, or my son. dear god i have betrayed you two times now. i tried taking my life years ago, and i have succeeded in taking another. and i left heather alone with the thought of murder. i am a beast. i am sin. i deserve every bit of pain. and because of this i will not complain about it any longer. i wont let others into this place anymore. i will weap i will scar i will burn. i will have to face myself, i need to heal myself before anything can be done. stacy. i dont understand. she proclaims love, that i am the only thing keeping her sain, that she loves me. that what she wants is the summer, what she wants is me. but now she is with someone else. she says it was the distance. distance is nothing, distance is an excuse, for me, for true love, distance is nothing. love is not hindered by miles. lonelyness has been the excuse i have given her, but i was lonely, i am lonely and i do not go to others, even though oppurtunity knocks. i am still in love. it is not fair to evan, not fair to her, not fair to me. but i deserve this. i want her to be happy now, forget about me. let her be bright and beautiful. i want to her to be happy. heather said that stacy will always be there in my life, i wonder. am i now stuck in the bitterness born of a casablanca like world. will she return. do i want her to. her skin is touching another, she is giving herself to another. she is not mine. her words are coming up short to her actions, her love is weak, or perhaps i am simply not what she needs. i woke up feeling better than i have in a long time. even though i woke up at 4:15, and i had to be at work at 3:30. i am crow. i am black winged, and am the representation of myself.