i feel so, unmoving. it is unsettling. so overwhemed today, not with nothing to do, i should have started on my furniture, or just done my paper sooner, but no. nothing. so pathetic i went to class early. sat there for an hour reading things i didnt need to be reading. restless now. watching casablanca in class had me clenching my skin. butterflies born, breeded. my eyes dry but i can feel them trying for tear. they wont get them here, maybe later but not here. its amazing how much energy lonelyness brings about. now i will find myself turning in my bed. so unsettled. on my way back from class i get an unknown number, it was tiffany. she's back in the state, watch out. but even she is well on her way, has been changing, living.Even she is moving along, and she went and dropped everything for a year. and now there are these creatures fluttering inside me. taking quick advantage of this empty house, this still night and the feelings bred. these sick creatures are keeping me company. and i can't shake them. i ask. i plead. but they say thier my true freinds. they wont leave me. biggie, kat, charlotte, diana, are all coming back this weekend, and i work every night. figures. as i sat there early for class, i sat watching these people play halo in the occ commons per say. i played with them 2 weeks before, but. their just different than me. antisocial, devoted gamers and computer programmers, there is a difference there. playing with them one time i already become the charasmatic one. i guess i can't say anything about antisocial, just not what i am. need someplace for my mind to go. this isnt healthy anymore. i need to do something. its not healthy. constantly bunkered into my room with no contact. but not out of wanting either. lonely is this place now. and part of me wants to beg for company from anyone, from anyone. but i cannot. i wont become desperate. i wont beg. THEY WONT GO AWAY!!! these stupid razorblade butterflies. this feeling inside me.... i need to calm down. i need to settle. i need to take it easy. im getting so pathetic. look at me. your so weak. lets get some things done -your going crazy kevin, you havn't been by yourself in quite a time now. havn't really thought about everything. havn't really looked in the mirror. -shut up kevin leave me alone -if i could i would, but its just us now. and like mom said, now you can finaly focus on yourself and not other people. -lot of help that is -well its true. look, the moments u and i talk are always intresting. you start thinking about everything thats happened. -will you just leave me alone. -no, -please let me rest....but it dosnt help. -nope...i want them gone do u understand. i am here, always inside hidden, forced to play with these torturious beasts. -i want them gone too. but they wont leave -its your own fault. do something. dont just sit around. leave this place. -but you cant. -....coward -what would u leave for -you know the answer, why do u ask? why do you continuely make yourself ask questions, why do you continuely torture yourself with your own weapons. - - - -because we want attention. we want attention. we are no better than alex. we want attention. -your a devil, you are unnatural. -we are pathetic.