Alma mater show me the light for I have been blinded. I am lost in a sea of thorns. Neutiquam erro. NEUTIQUAM ERRO. Luctor et emergo I AM I I AM SELF-MADE EVERYONE VISIT THIS SITE AND THINK ABOUT IT. download the video for 'one girl dying' http://www.bloodmuse.com/videos.html ------------------ okay so here is a like 'story' sort of thing i started writing last year. yeh yeh go ahead and point and laugh..i know its shit!! I felt a tear roll down my cheek. If tears could talk right now I’d have a lot to say. ‘Gray….gray’ it was him shaking me like a rag doll. Telling me that it was time for me to go and he was sorry. Another tear rolled down my cheek. My toes and fingers where numb and I felt like I had just been pulled out of a lake. I felt suffocated. ‘gray’ I stumbled to my feet and headed straight for the door. I couldn’t look at him. Like I couldn’t look at the rest of them. But his face will always be imprinted in my mind. I couldn’t say goodbye. I just had to get out of there. Fast. The last time I had gone for a run was a week ago. Instead of cutting away my problems on my wrist I just ran. I ran from my house down the lane, past the local food store, and the rest of the journey I don’t recall. The steady sound of my feet softly hitting the ground occurred again tonight as I ran away from your house. My troubles. The whole run home I forced my mind to concentrate on my left foot and then my right, my left and then my right as they moved from underneath me for a split second until the other foot came into view. I didn’t want to think about him or what had happened just 10 minuites ago on his bathroom floor. When I arrived home I rang my door bell and my mother answered the door in her dressing gown. I couldn’t speak to her. My eyes started there natural flood from my emotions again and I put my head down to my chest firmly and I shoved past my mum and ran upstairs. Arriving at my solid oak wood bedroom door. 2 ‘Gray can you hear me’. The distant sobs of my mother echoed down the hospital hallway’s. In my mind I prayed to god that I was dreaming and Saturday didn’t exist. ‘Its just a dream’ I told myself. But I was wrong. Saturday did exist. ‘Gray do you know where you are? Do you know why you are here?’ Images and memories flashed through my mind of how I ended up in this hospital bed. I was fighting for my life. ‘I know where I am’ my mind told me ‘im in hospital’. I had done a terrible thing. To my friends. I had taken my mothers craft knife and slit my wrists. Oh Christ, I cut them bad. I wish I didn’t feel guilty. I wish I couldn’t hear my mother sobbing and I wish I couldn’t hear the doctors asking me questions. I wish I was 6 feet under. If only. He raped me. Just like the rest of them did. But my mother doesn’t refer to it as ‘rape’. She try’s to silence her guilt by telling me and herself that its just to get a bit of money to help pay off the bills, or we will be evicted from our home. But im sure for the past 3 years the bills should have been payed off by now. My mother has been prostituting me from the age of 12. Who is she to tell me its not rape? Its not happening to her, It’s happening to me. Sometimes she prostitutes me in my own home, while her and father sit downstairs trying to drown out my painful screams using the television. Maybe she feels just a slight hint of guilt, but I doubt it. I doubt she feel’s anything at all just like I don’t feel the stinging sensation I used to when I hurt myself. I hurt myself to get rid of the pain inside. But the cuts where just getting so deep that they don’t hurt anymore. But the thing that hurt’s me the most is the emotional pain.This baggage that I will always carry around with me. And she has ruined me. And she sits and sobs to see her precious daughter lying in a hospital bed after her first suicide attempt. Its all for attention from the doctors though, she doesn’t want to seem at all suspicious. Because any 12 year old girl that slits her wrists deep enough to fall into an unconscious state has obviously got issues. Big issues. ‘Where can you run to escape the demon inside you’ ’28, 29, 30’ I counted. I wonder why there are so many large tiles in such a small room. Maybe I am crazy. ‘Is that how you feel gray? That theres someone or something inside you?’ I imagined an evil looking little man inside me and giggled to myself. She doesn’t understand me and she calls herself a psychiatrist. ‘Everyone has someone inside of them’ I said to you matter-of-a-factly ‘that someone can be good or bad and in my case I guess its bad’ you leaned forward in your leather chair and with a concerned look on your face said ‘so what made inside of you bad?’ ‘are we done for today?’ I said impatiently. Your eyes gave themselves a slight roll and you stood up and opened the door for me and mumbled ‘yes that will do for today. Same time tomorrow?’ I nodded my head at you and made my way to the waiting area outside your room. I had to wait for my escort to take my back to my dorm. I was on suicide watch. ’12 acres’ was the name of the place they where keeping me in-prisoned like a criminal.