so im a little behind on my merry holiday wishing. but life truely sucks. i mean i got dumped. go figure. I even seen that one comming. but now he's dating the one girl i didnt want him to date. and oh yea "promise me we'll be friends" as stated by HIM. hahaha. fuck you asshole. you dont even talk to me anymore. but i love you. SO ANYWAYS. of course valenntines day was the shits. dumped like a week before. it was pretty heart-wrenching. what is with boys and hurting me on the stupid day. like honestly... ive had quite a few boyfriends. and ive NEVER had one on valentines day. its pretty brutal. know what i mean? *sigh* im nothing like my friends. i want to go out with boys and dance and be happy.and all like..gangster. honestly. i want to listen to rap. and.. dirty dance.. and.. yea. but my friends arent like that. i want to be hot. i wish boys would talk to me. like...real boys. (((not friend ones))) not fake ones. not that it would matter if they did... i can't even look at a boy right now without being like AH YOU'LL HURT ME BURN IN HELL. i dont find ANY guys attractive. and no, im not turning into a lesbian, im bi yea, but no girls attract me right now either. my god boy what did you do to me. i mean valentines i had a boy over and he started kissing me and i got up and i was like "you have to go". i couldnt do it. what is wrong with me. before i met cyle i was the biggest slut on the planet. now im like uh no. i dont like boys. its retarded. i kinda wish i could just forget him. say goodbye and that'd be the end of it. i mean its not like i can MAKE him love me. i dont want to. i just wish he would. not that i can blame it on him, not at all. its not like he chose to fall out of love with me. he didnt mean to hurt me. he cried just as much as i did-- well-- the first time at least. im going to porta vaiarta this summer. mmmm mexico. maybe ill meet a hot mexican boy who will destroy my wall on no-boys-allowed and sweep me away-- to a world i never knew exsisted. hahahaha. not likely. im not exactly attractive. maybe ill go like anerexic/buleimic and like...lose a whole bunch of weight and be skinny. and then maybe someone else besides who he was will likee me.. and i can find gangster boys who wilol want to spend time with me and take me dancing. and maybe something wonderful will happen. not really. its just a dream. but im trying out for canadian idol saturday. maybe that dream will come true. and maybe ill get somewhere with my music... and maybe then a boy will love me forever and ever. even if he's like a secret admirer. but im too fat for that really. SO. i think im going to grow old-- alone. no kids. because i want a family-- but a FAMILY. so ill grow old alone, and like in a little baby green cottage woth white fencing on the cloudy white beaches of some remote island where i can watch the whales by myself for hours. and cry where no one will see hear or care. and ill die. almost happy. My Idea Of The Day: tomorrow is memory shining in the hope of a yesterday that never really exsisted in the world of today that grows grotesque but unseen.