The city of Edmonton once named a street after Marc-Andre Bergeron in gratitude for his phenomenal play in the Playoffs. Unfortunately, they had to rename it after people kept dying when they tried to cross the street. No one crosses Marc-Andre Bergeron and lives. Matt Greene does not pull out. The girl must know when to push away or else it's her problem. Every time you masturbate, Sergei Samsonov scores a goal. Not because you masturbated, but because that is how often he scores goals. If Ty Conklin was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Miikka Kipursoff, and he had a gun with only 2 bullets, he'd shoot Kipur twice. Dwayne Roloson’s calendar goes from March 31st to April 2nd, no one fools Roli. If everyone on "24" followed Todd Harvey's instructions, it would be called "12". Upon hearing that he was played by Kiefer Sutherland, Jarret Stoll killed Sutherland. Jarret Stoll gets played by no man. Georges Laraque wasn't born, he was unleashed. If you wake up in the morning, it's because Jason Smith spared your life. If it tastes like chicken, looks like chicken, and feels like chicken, but Craig MacTavish says it’s beef. Then it's fucking beef. Raffi Torres played Russian Roulette with a fully loaded gun and won. Ethan Moreau once won a game of Connect 4 in 3 moves. Rem doesn't believe in Murphy's Law, only Murray's Law: "Whatever CAN go wrong, WILL be resolved in a period of 24 hours." Radek Dvorak could strangle you with a cordless phone. It's no use crying over spilt milk, unless that was Steve Staios’ milk. Oh you are so screwed. Tony was once shot in the neck, rushed to the hospital, underwent emergency surgery and was back on the job in just a few hours. Michael Peca still can't believe that pussy went to the hospital first. Never use the phrase, "I feel half dead," around Chris Pronger; he never leaves a job unfinished. Killing Steve Staios doesn't make him dead. It just makes him angry. If Rosa Parks was in Ales Hemsky's seat, she'd move to the back of the bus. On a high school math test, Jason Smith put down "Violence" as every one of the answers. He got an A+ on the test because Jack Bauer solves all his problems with Violence. There is the right way, the wrong way, and the Chris Pronger way. It's basically the right way but faster and more deaths. When Google can't find something, it asks Dwayne Roloson for help. Superman's only weakness is Kryptonite. Todd Harvey laughs at Superman for having a weakness. Simon Says should be renamed to Raffi Says because if Raffi Torres says something then you better fucking do it. In 11 playoff games, Chris Pronger is +7, has 12 points and 19 hits. What the fuck have you done with your life? Shawn Horcoff has 13 points in just 11 playoff games of work. Every mathematical inequality officially ends with "< Edmonton Oilers". Quentin Tarantino was asked to direct a biography about Jason Smith. He passed. It was too violent. When you open a can of whoop-ass, Ryan Smyth jumps out. Men are ok with their wives fantasizing about Kevin Lowe during sex; because they are doing the same thing. One bank did a commercial with Brad Winchester in front of a vault. They haven't been robbed since. Sun Tzu once wrote, "If your enemy is weaker, conquer him. If he is stronger, join him. If he is Michael Peca, you're fucking dead." If Fernando Pisani was in a room with Hitler, Stalin, and Jarome Ignila, and he had a gun with 2 bullets, he'd shoot Stalin and Hitler so they wouldn't have to bear witness to what he'd do to Iginla. There are no such things as lesbians; just women who have never met Ales Hemsky. Jesus died and rose from the dead in 3 days. It took Ethan Moreau less than an hour. And he's done it twice. Jaroslav Spacek can get McDonald's breakfast after 10:30. When the boogie man goes to sleep, he checks his closet for Radek Dvorak. People with amnesia still remember Raffi Torres and his hit which caused the amnesia to begin with. When Jarret Stoll was a child, he made his mother finish his vegetables. During the commercials, Jaroslav Spacek calls the CSI detectives and solves their crimes. Todd Harvey once wrestled Superman. The stipulations were the loser had to wear his underwear on the outside of his pants. When Batman is in trouble, he turns on the MacTavish signal. Steve Staios once called the Vice President "Mr. President", but realized his mistake and shot the President. Steve Staios is never wrong. All NHL’ers are created equal. They are all vastly inferior to the Edmonton Oilers. Guns don’t kill people, a Marc-Andre Bergeron slapshot kills people. If Rem Murray misspells a word, your dictionary is wrong. Michael Peca once double marked Jonathan Cheechoo… by himself. Ryan Smyth literally died for his Oilers, and lived to tell about it. Dwayne Roloson makes onions cry. Jehovah's Witnesses once tried to convert Chris Pronger. After four minutes of interrogation, they admitted Chris Pronger was God. Shawn Horcoff is the 'I' in team. When Brad Winchester pisses into the wind, the wind changes direction. Your attraction to Ryan Smyth in no way affects your sexual orientation. G.I. Joe has Raffi Torres action figures. Jason Smith has been to Mars. That’s why there’s no life on Mars. Ryan Smyth counted to infinity - twice. Raffi Torres is currently suing NBC, claiming Law and Order are trademarked names for his left and right hands. There is no theory of evolution. Just a list of creatures Jason Smith allows to live. Georges Laraque does not go hunting. Hunting implies the probability of failure. Georges goes killing. When Ryan Smyth was in middle school, his English teacher assigned an essay: "What is Courage?" He received an "A+" for writing only the words "Ryan Smyth" and promptly turning in the paper. Jarret Stoll never gets brain freeze. Ice cream knows when to back the hell off. Webster's has approved the definition of "Endangered" to: "To be on the ice as an Oiler's opponent" because Chris Pronger told them that's how it's going to be. Ryan Smyth can divide by zero. Ales Hemsky has only one hand: the upper hand. Raffi Torres frequently donates blood to the Red Cross. Just never his own. Chris Pronger doesn't read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants. Jason Smith once visited the Virgin Islands. They are now just The Islands. Fernando Pisani owns the greatest Poker Face of all-time. It helped him win the 1983 World Series of Poker despite him holding just a Joker, a Get out of Jail Free Monopoly card, a 2 of clubs, 7 of spades and a green #4 card from the game Uno. Portraits close their eyes when Ryan Smyth looks at them. Georges Laraque scared the black out of Michael Jackson. The Neverending Story ended because Fernando Pisani told it to. Video didn't kill the radio star, Matt Greene did. When attacking Afghanistan, the US Government never actually used laser-guided missles. It was just Raffi Torres and a lazer pointer.