I am an abstruse, enigmatic, whimsical, capricious, romantic figure, often seen scaling walls and spinning webs. I write award-winning Pulitzer novels, I translate ethnic slurs for Jewish refugees, I manage time efficiently. Occasionally, I woo women with my sensuous and godlike prowlessness. I am an expert in sailing, a veteran in love, and an outlaw in Peru. I can rollerblade up severe inclines with unflagging speed, and I cook Thirty-Minute rice in less than twenty minutes. Using only a hoe and a large glass of spring water, I once single-handedly defended a small village in the Amazon Basin from a horde of ferocious army ants. I am a private citizen, yet I receive fan mail. I have been caller number ninety five and have won the weekend passes. Children trust me. I have performed several covert operations for the CIA. The laws of physics do not apply to me. I balance, I weave, I dodge, I frolic, and I am never "it". On weekends,to let off steam, I participate in full-contact origami. Years ago I discovered the meaning of life but forgot to write it down. I have won bullfights in Madrid, fencing competitions in Sri Lanka, and spelling bees at the Kremlin. I have played Hamlet, I have performed open-heart surgery, and I have spoken with Elvis. But I have not yet talked to you.