So fuck. Yeah that's a good summary- in more than one way. Got back from canada today- had an awesome time snowboarding with my friends. BUt while I was there I made the BIGGEST mistake of my life and now i am on the verge of losing the best thing i ever had in my life. Everynight we were in whistler, me and a bunch of my friends would usually get really messed up and one night I got incredibly drunk off of this hard alcohol that is illegal here in the U.S. that my friend had bought. So i had way too much and ended up doing some stuff with this girl.And i have no excuses for what i did, sure i was drunk off my ass, but i still knew in some way what i was doing. I wish I could take it all back, because in the end it wasn't worth anything. Here i have the most wonderful girl in the world, and i fuck it up. I just can't comprehend i did it. I have never felt worse in my life. I think i'm on the verge of puking here. I have never done something like this to anyone i have loved, why'd it have to be her? Right now I declare myself the BIGGEST DICK in the whole world. Besides letting alia down, I feel like i have let myself down too. She tried to warn me too before i left about how she felt about me drinking, and i even thought i wouldn't do it on the trip. but everyone else was and i just was cought up in the moment of being in another country with all my friends, it got out of hand. So it's official, i just did the stupidist thing of my life, and i don't even know how to apologize because i feel like she needs so much more than some "i'm sorry" she deserves so much better than me, its ridiculous- i'm sure she's realizing that now though. Fuck i'm so mad at myself. I've never felt anything close to what I feel for her- SO HOW THE HELL COULD I DO THIS? So now that i have screwed things up between me and the girl i love more than anything in the world, i'm gonna go maybe wallow in my self pity. eat some chocolate- my pmsing friend tells me that helps, go figure.