First off, mad props to the commentor from my last post. Its a relief to know somebody is reading these things, in a way. Its the dirty little secret that all people who keep a 'private' online journal have; we actually want people to read these things. Nobody keeps a journal for themself; they keep it in the hopes of keeping some sort of record... the only place thats 100% safe from intrusion is in your own mind. I might not share this with my friends, or my family. But somewhere inside of me, I want people to see this. I want somebody to look at my thoughts, laid open and bare before them, and say "You know, he's got the right idea". Which is pretty much exactly what you did. I appreciate the audience, and I appreciate the honesty.

And wow, has shit gone on since I last posted.

Shortly after writing that last entry (you know, in hindsight, this was a really bad idea) I left to hang out at Dave's house with everybody else and drink to celebrate Canada Day. I know, right? I just posted a big paragraph about how much I hate this guy and want to smash him so hard in the face that his teeth wind up being his toenails.... and then I go to his house. And get drunk. Why did I think this was a good idea? I don't fucking know. Looking back, it seems pretty clear as day that nothing good was going to come of that course of action.

What followed was COMPLETELY out of character for me, and worse than almost anybody that knows me could have anticipated. No, I didn't punch Dave out like I was wanting to. Instead, I just got drunk. And then somebody (can't remember who, alcohol dulls the memory) got me talking about Kat. Which then got me ranting about Kat and Dave. Before I know it, I'm ranting to the entire damn party about how much of a jackass Dave is, how much I hate him and want to punch him out, and how he stole my girlfriend, etcetera, etcetera. This all going on in Dave's living room. Needless to say, Kat threw my ass out onto the curb.

Now, much of my emotional state was her fault, but at the same time, I deserved to be kicked out. I crossed a line, was extremely disrespectful, and regardless of her feelings or respect for me, I needed to be shown the door. And I admit that. I've since sent letters apologizing to both Kat and Dave, and I've apologized personally to anybody who was at that party who I've seen since. Like I said, very out of character... I'm not usually a shit disturber.... but this time, I was a bit of a wreck.

Why was I a wreck you ask? Events that happened since the last time I had a real serious post about how I felt. The days preceding Canada Day went as follows: Monday night, Kat and I watch Dexter and she ends up staying the night next to me. No sex though, just cuddles. Tuesday night, I wake up at 2am to her crawling into bed with me... and then we have sex. At this point, I feel like I'm making serious progress with winning her back... I feel like she wants me again, like she misses me. She even told me that she still loves me. She flat-out admitted that a huge part of her unwillingness to come back was because she was too proud to admit that she'd made a mistake. To come back would mean for her to crawl back, which was something she wasn't ready to do... and she still cared for Dave and didn't want to give up on that yet. Wednesday night, she spends with Dave... but comes home in the morning to crawl into bed with me. Now I'm feeling on top of the world! My victory is immenent! All the work I've done to show her my love and be there for her, its paying off and she's coming back!

And then it all went to hell.

Wednesday afternoon, Kat and Dave get into a discussion. He's starting to get a bit protective, because of a kiss she shared with his best friend the night previous (which more than one person commented was far less an insult to him that what he did to me, so he had little right to bitch) and pretty much gave Kat an ultimatum; all or nothing. So on wednesday afternoon, mere hours after she laid in my bed with me for the 3rd morning in a row, Kat and Dave became official. What a kick to the nuts that was. From this point on, Dave is snubbing me every chance he gets... throwing me cocky glances, pulling shit like the aforementioned ditching me in the rain.

Thursday is Canada Day. I get drunk at his house. After a week like I'd had, after a post like the one I'd made, why did I think it was a good idea to go there? I don't think I'll ever know. It was a tremendous mistake, one that probably cost me everything. But you know, it needed to happen, I see that now.

Kat kicked me out the next day. Or rather, she gave me my 10 day notice, since I hadn't paid rent and we'd previously discussed that I'd be paying on the 20th when my money was arriving. But it was within her right, as the sole leaseholder, to kick me out since I hadn't paid rent and couldn't get it on time this month. Circumstances foiled me. The day after I recieved my notice, I was out.

I've moved back into my mother's house, in the next town over. Its a serious shot to my pride to be here, a single father, 21 years old, unemployed, broke. Living at his mother's house. The first day I was here, looking at my life in boxes, I cried. I cried lots. The finality of it all... its depressing. Now I know that there's simply no hope for her and I in the near future.

But as time has passed, I've realized that this is a good thing. Every day I spend away from her, I am more sane. I see more clearly. If she wants Dave, a manipulative douchebag who parties too much and flirts with drugs more addictive than he's willing to admit, then she can have him. Some of her best friends hate him already. Lexie has even banned him from her house. I know her parents don't like him, and they havn't even met him; they just know what happened to cause Kat and his relationship and they don't approve of his actions. It helps that Kat's family fucking loved me, and didn't want to see me go. She can have Dave, and I will leave. I don't plan on talking to her much for the duration of the summer, maybe longer. She can lay in the bed that she made... I'm done helping her. When it bites her in the face, I know she'll be strong enough to survive it. It won't be easy, but she'll do it. And when she does, when she's knee-deep in his bullshit and her own tears, she'll look back and think "What have I done?"

And I can honestly say that at this point, I don't know if I'll take her back. I love her with all my heart like I've never loved another before her. But I don't deserve the shit she's put me through. The selfishness, the inconsiderate actions she's taken to further her own happiness while I laid at home, physically and emotionally broken, its just too much. I will be with her again when she wants me back AND when she's gotten her shit together. Not before. I was her hero for a time, I was her knight in shining armor. But she broke my armor, and she knocked me off my horse in her rush to catch her own impulsive ideal of happiness. And I don't intent to return to that position of martyrdom any time soon for her. Not until she proves that she's willing to martyr herself for MY love. I've built my half of the bridge. And not another brick will be laid by my hands, I swear.

I don't think Kat and I will be together again for a long time. But I still have this gut feeling that it will happen. Actually, even more detailed than that... I get the distinct feeling that Kat and I are going to be an on-again-off-again romance.... dating people in between, but always returnging to one another only to fail once more. Gosh I hope not, that sort of thing will only hurt everyone involved. But I still can't shake the feeling....

Yesterday was Demitri's 2nd birthday. Its amazing how much has changed since my little boy turned 1. Blows my mind how happy our family was then. It will be again though, with or without Kat. Demitri is my son, and he is all I need to motivate me. I'm sure he'll miss Drayen though.. the boys played so well together. Kat and I have spoken, and she wants me be able to say goodbye to Drayden... he's old enough to have gotten really attached to me, so he deserves an explanation and a goodbye. I'm sure I'll see him again, maybe often in the future.... but for the time being, it will be few and far between.

Living with my mom isn't so bad, now that I've gotten used to it.

Getting close to Sarah before she leaves in the fall is nice. I'm seeing bits of myself in her, its strange. I didn't realize how much my sister looked up to me until now. Every day she's asking me to teach her a bit more guitar, or just talking to me about things... I can tell from the way she's speaking, that she's looking for answers in every word I speak. Its really flattering. And plus... with her here, I can get to know Kenzie so much better through her. Little things that will make that next time I see her that much more cinematic, and perfect for her.

Another perk to living with my mom is that I'm going to get to see Kenzie quite a bit more than if I'd lived in Penticton.... the plan was for her to spend Rustic Robot with me, and then maybe another night, and then the rest of the time in Oliver. But now that I live in Oliver... I'll be here the whole time. I've already spoken to Sarah to assure her I don't mean to steal her thunder, and that I will back off at a moment's notice if she ever asks. After all, Kenzie is her best friend.... and I am merely a summer fling. Her status obviously trumps mine.

And ah... just thinking of Kenzie makes me feel strange. Its so akward that I can observe this silly infatuation and know that its completely irrational. But it doesn't stop it from growing. I'm starting to idealize her, fantasize about her being back. She's rarely far from my thoughts, barely an hour or two goes by that I don't at least have her pass ever so briefly through my head. The word "Love" keeps coming to my mind, although I know damn well that I don't love her. In all reality, I barely know the girl. But that doesn't stop me from blushing and smiling like a crushing schoolgirl when Sarah hints at how much Kenzie really likes me.... the other night Sarah got a text from Kenzie saying how much she couldn't wait to see me (not knowing that I now live with Sarah and she'd tell me immediately) and I practically had wings on my ankles for the next hour. It would have made a more sane version of myself either laugh or puke, I'm not sure which.

I'm a bit concerned about Rustic Robot, the rave that Kenzie and Sarah and I will be going to.... because its a rave, and MDMA is my drug of choice, and because Kenzie has specifically said she wants some too, we're going to be doing a bunch of MDMA that night. And with the emotional high that it gives... I'm scared that I might wind up professing my love to Kenzie. I might wind up throwing out the "I Love You" during our first bout of sex. Love is not a word I throw around without discretion... we'll see how it plays out.

I think my biggest fear is scaring her off. I don't want my feelings to come on too strong and scare her away. I really do want to enjoy the week that we'll have together before she leaves forever. Thats another strange thing... this girl will be gone, essentially forever out of my reach, and yet I still stop myself from throwing myself at her for the time that she's here.

I'm sure there's a million reasons, unhealthy ones at that, for me feeling the way I do about McKenzie. But I know all those reasons, and I cannot stop my heart from yearning for her. We'll see if this circle of romance is completed in the week that she's here... or if it will be left like a question without an answer.

Either way, I plan to enjoy it, and have her enjoy it as well. If all that I accomplish in the week that she's her is have her feel like the most beautiful girl around, then I have done my duty. She's given me back my confidence, and I want to make her feel as amazing as she's made me feel. She gave me back a part of myself... and so, in exchange, I give myself to her for the time she has left in BC with me.

This has gone on quite longer than I expected though. I should sign off.

I think I'll be posting more here.... I was somewhat dreading this post, because of all thats happened. But its done now. Just healing from here on out.