She stood me up, again.

I'm giving up on Whitney. This whole date thing obviously isn't important to her. If she wants this, then she can chase me for a bit. At this point, I feel like a gambler... I've wasted so much already, but my gut is telling me to try to win it all back even though I know that its not going to happen. Scott Adams said "Nothing defines humans better than their willingness to do irrational things in the pursuit of phenomenally unlikely payoffs. This is the principle of lotteries, dating, and religion".

Lillian says that I deserve somebody who puts back all the effort that I do, that I've put too much effort into Whitney and she hasn't returned any. I completely agree with the latter statement... but I'm unsure about the former. I'm unsure of what I deserve.

I'm attractive, and I know that. I'm no model, but I catch ladies checking me out often enough to know that I'm no slouch. My personality is attractive... I'm charismatic and funny and, even though I'm plagued by self-doubt which nobody knows about except for my closest friends, outwardly confident. I'm intelligent and considerate. On paper, I'm not just a good partner... I'm worthwhile. During our relationship Kat said a few times, and has repeated it a many times after the breakup in attempt to comfort me, that I've always deserved so much better than her; she knew how much effort I put in and knew that she wasn't really capable of returning it. But I never minded... I didn't need somebody to return my effort, only to accept it and value it.

Re-reading my previous paragraph, I sound like a fantastic lover. Attractive, confident, intelligent, funny, willing to put his whole heart in.... and he doesn't expect the same in return? And yet I'm alone, and continue to be. Other men, other events, other opportunities are consistently more appealing than I am.

There must be something fatally flawed in me, something that I'm not seeing. Something that either my friends aren't seeing, or aren't telling me.