People always tell me that I over-think things. Its a trait in my family... both my sisters do it, my mother certainly does it. We think ourselves in circles, beat ourselves up over trivial paradoxes.
Case in point, I have a bit of a mistress. Brittney is a girl I've known for years, I've always found rather cute, but never really had any emotional attraction to. Since moving here, she's spent a night with me and we've spent many a night talking about life online... when she gets back from a visit at her dad's place, she'll be spending another night with me. But I have absolutely no desire to date her. I have no emotional attraction to the woman. I respect her as a friend, and the physical chemistry is amazing. But I the idea of dating her is completely unappealing, she's just not the sort of girl I'm interested in (which says nothing of her flaws or virtues, she's just not my type).
And so I wonder "Am I wrong for doing this, keeping her as my mistress while I pursue other women? Is this disrespectful to Brittney? Assuming I began to date Whitney and I had to cease my flirtations and nights with Brittney, would I be wronging her in doing so?" And I think, and think, and worry.... this is a woman who I like, who I respect! How could I be so insensitive to her? And then I realize that Brittney knows all of this, and she thinks I respect her more than enough; after all, I respect her enough to worry about whether or not I'm respecting her enough! She doesn't want to date me any more than I want to date her... we just want to share a few hours in bed watching movies and enjoying other carnal pleasures. She wants the same thing that I want: companionship without commitment or disrespect.
But that knowledge doesn't stop me from getting caught up in that respect issue again, like a dog chasing his tail. Because I over-think things. But the greater irony is that the over-thinking is what resolves the problem... the fact that I wonder about respect is what proves that I have the required respect. Were I not to wonder, then there would be no proof to be had. But also no question.
Oh how beautiful and tangled a circle philosophy can weave.
On a less circular topic (or at least circular in a different way): I think I've realized that although Whitney was unfair to me in her selfishness when it came to contacting me whenever life got in the way of our plans, but also that I was unfair to her in equal measure.
She didn't know the weight I had placed on these dates. She didn't know that I'd toiled over this recipe, test-driven and perfected not just the meal, but the arrangement of appetizer, dinner, and dessert. She doesn't know these things, and now never will. Most of me did it because I genuinely love cooking and making beauty in the kitchen... most of me did it for me. But part of me, a very strong part, did it because I wanted to do more than merely impress her. I wanted to woo her, to make her fall for me. I wanted her to love me. All on the first date. Thats as insulting to her as it is to me.
I thought that spending the summer alone in my middle of nowhere hometown had taught me to be OK with being alone.... but apparently not. Because like any junkie, my addiction showed its face and I was right back to my old ways. I wanted somebody to make me feel worthwhile, because I no longer feel like I can believe myself if I'm the only one saying it. I wanted somebody to reassure me that I'm better than Dave, and that I deserve to be loved. I wanted somebody to make me feel like Kat made me feel.
I wanted Whitney to be sure, but I also wanted another Kat. Whitney was inconsiderate towards me, but so was I towards her. And although her actions may have been more disrespectful in action, mine may have been more disrespectful in principle.
Tonight I also realized that part of the tension between Jackie and I might be my own doing. I think that I am still very deeply embittered by the betrayal I suffered from her. I am very thankful for the amazing son that I have.... Demitri has taught me and inspired me in ways I didn't know were possible. But I never wanted a child. Jackie and I had talked about it while we were together, and decided that neither of us wanted a child, and that if push came to shove we would do what we had to do to ensure that. When luck turned against us, we decided that we would follow through with the plan we had laid out. And then.... overnight, she changed her mind. Literally, she told me the day that she was to leave to get the procedure done that she'd decided she couldn't do it. There was no discussion, no conversation. One day my life was under control... the next, not so much. And from the one person whom I thought I could trust at the time... this truly was the beginning of the end of our relationship, as I realized that She would always be more important than We.
As an 18 year old guy, this ruined me. I saw my life flash before my eyes. All the freedom I had, torn away from me. Because now I had a duty to be a father. Regardless of the success or failure of my relationship with its mother, I had a child on the way and I had a duty to that child that would not go unfulfilled. And it was a burden that I took on proudly. I'm very proud that I am a good father. I love my son with all my heart, and I could not have asked for a more perfect boy. I would not be half the man that I am without him in my life... overall, it was exactly what I needed at that point in my life.
But all the benefits in the world do not change her betrayal. And although the years have changed her, and she's grown... I cannot quench my bitterness. Jackie's not remotely the unstable, delusioned, selfish girl she once was. She still may have those traits, but now mere cups compared to the pools she had before. But I will always remember her as she was. She robbed me of my freedom, of my opportunities, of my youth. She promised me those things and, like Lucy pulling the football out from Charlie Brown, they were taken away from me just when I thought I could count on them.
I don't know if I'll ever stop being bitter. Should I?