The closer Friday comes, the more confused I become. Whats right? What's true? How much of my observations are leaps of judgement that occur because I want the conclusions I come to to be true? I'm great at convincing people of things, of spinning circumstances to suit a purpose... were I not a marketing student, I would be a journalist. Normally I don't use my skills for evil, but I often take exception when it comes to turning them on myself. I can't resist the lies I tell.... mostly because I know my deepest desires and thus I can twist them and abuse them and string myself along by the nose. Put a carrot on a stick in front of me, and I run... at that point its just a matter of slipping the blinders on and then I can't tell anything except for the fact that the damn carrot is right there! I've almost got it! Just a bit further, just a bit longer! You'd think that for a man so generous to his friends, so loving and giving and compassionate to those he cares for, I'd be more merciful to myself. Alas, 'tis not the case.

I try not to get expectations. I try not to see signs where there are none. But its not an easy path to follow when there's so many temptations.

The original plan with Kat was that she'd crash here after the Datsik show, and I'd take the couch (I'll not have a guest, especially a lady, sleep on the couch while I lay in bed). Then she asked if a couple she was coming to the show with could also crash, which was of course fine. I'm not sure when exactly plans shifted from this, neither her nor I can be laid to blame for it, but now the assumption is that I'll be spending the night in bed with her; obviously I'm in no rush to change these plans now that they've been made. She's mentioned a few times since then how sexually frustrated she is... is she dropping hints, or just lamenting to a trusted friend? Mutual friends of her and I have told me that they're pretty sure that she's coming onto me. But like I said, no expectations.

It starts getting hairy with the recent plan updates... she called me in tears a few nights ago, and we talked for 3 hours and I comforted her as always. She suggested that she needs to get out of her usual habits (thats always a great thing after a breakup) and I invited her to come out early on Friday to join me for dinner and maybe a movie. She accepted, which I wasn't expecting.

So to recap, regardless of my denials for the last 6 months, I am still madly in love with Kat. I haven't gotten over her, and I don't think I'm going to be free of it for a while yet. And now she's most likely (assuming her parents don't mind taking her son a few hours early) coming out for a dinner (which, given my love of cooking and my love of her, will be something fantastic once I plan it) and cuddling for a movie (we've settled on a romantic comedy) before heading out to a fantastic live DJ show and then coming back to spend the night together (which will possibly entail some amazing sex).

It seems pretty clear cut when I write it like that. Can you see why its so easy to convince myself of these things?

The truth is also that she's mentioned a few times (not enough to be pushy, but enough to make her point clear) that she isn't rebounding onto me. And that she'll most likely be flirting with all the cute guys at the event, although she won't be going home with any of them. At times like this, I tend to judge people more on their actions than their words.... and the actions she's got planned seem to speak volumes. She tells me these things, these reminders of her unavailability to me, but who is she trying to convince, me or her? Who am I trying to convince, and what am I trying to convince them of?

The thought of some guy coming onto her leaves me with knots in my stomach. Its less about jealousy (although I won't deny its existence) and more about protectiveness... she's such a beautiful girl and so many guys just objectify her. She deserves to be treated with respect, and the cynic in me says that the guys at the club won't be thinking about how wonderful she is as much as how beautiful she looks. Its not my battle to fight though. Yet here I am, fighting it in my mind and in my heart.

And so it goes, this soldier knows, the battle with the heart isn't easily won.

But it can be won.