I wish I'd never gotten that hug today, now. It made me realize how much I miss that physical contact with somebody... these days all I have for a cuddle buddy is a big stuffed tiger that an at-the-time girlfriend got me in grade 12. How sad is that? I'm a grown man, an adult, who sleeps with a stuffed animal. Or at least tries... most nights I end up tossing it off the bed because its not as comfortable as I wish it was. I want to wrap my arms around something, but not that fuzzy and insulating. I know a human body would be even warmer... but that fucking tiger gets way too hot at night.

I feel like such a weak person for wanting this contact so badly. Should I just 'be a man' and get used to it? I don't know if I can. Even if I stay single for years (an unlikely future, knowing me....) I think I'll always feel this yearning to have somebody to share my bed with.

And honestly, I think that yearning is going to lead me places that I'm not ready to go just yet... in the fall, I'm probably going to get close with somebody. I'm not ready for it now, and I probably won't be ready for it then. I think I'm going to be dealing with everything that Kat's done to me for a good, long time. The best I can do is be upfront and honest with whoever gets close to me... and if they still want to be close, then I'll be all the more thankful for their company. If I'm super lucky, maybe I'll find somebody just like me... a person who doesn't care too much about baggage and just wants to help another human be happy. I doubt it. People are selfish. They keep you around until you're no longer exciting or as useful as you used to be. And then they drop you.

And there we go, proving that I'm all fucked up. That mini-tangent up there was honestly just me writing my thoughts without consideration... that was unfiltered (as is most that I write here). How can I generalize like that though? How can I really say that people are like that? Plenty of relationships I've had have pointed away from how I feel right now. But yet, Kat lingers with me. Its like she's wounded me so deeply that there'll always be an emotional scar... there'll always be that reminder of what somebody I love is capable of doing to me.

Something Jackie told me after it all went to hell... is that she doesn't think I'll ever love anybody in the same way I loved Kat, just like Jackie will never love anybody the way she loved me. Because we gave ourselves completely to that person, and we were so sorely disappointed.... we trusted them, and they broke our hearts. So from now on, we'll never give ourselves that deeply or that honestly to anybody. There'll always be a voice in the back of our heads saying "Don't do it, remember what happened last time...."

I know I'll love again. And realistically, I'll probably grow to love somebody even more than I love Kat. But it'll take so much longer. I'm going to be so much more guarded towards everybody that I get close with. I'll probably shy away from big commitments for a long time. I predict a string of very fucked up relationships in my future. But eventually I'll heal. And find a decent person. Who knows how long it'll be though.

Thats what scares me, I think. Its not that I won't find another partner... because that'd just be silly. Its that I'm so deeply messed up by what's happened, that its going to cast a shadow on everything romantic that happens for a while.

We'll find out. At this point... all I want is cuddles anyways. God knows that'll probably change the second a pretty girl bats her eyelashes at me though. I'm stupid, and emotional, and romantic like that. Its a very painful cycle.