Its a disgusting sensation to find my emotions rebelling against me, even as I try to recover from painful heartbreak.

I've helped Kat get a cheap ticket to Shambhala, because she was having her doubts about her ability to afford it. I just wanted to be helpful, a kind gesture to show her that I hold no grudges.

And then these thoughts came to me.... the fantasy of a romantic reunion at Sham. Dave probably won't be going.... it'll be a week of her away from him. With me nearby.

I know its horribly unhealthy. And if that happens, I will HAVE to choose not to be with her.... with the plans I've made to move to Kelowna, I can't just go back on that. If she wants to be with me then, she'll have to deal with me living in a different town. And honestly, it'd be a terrible thing for me... I mean I need to focus on school, not a girlfriend in another city.

I can't help myself from hoping though. As I said, my emotions rebel against me. Even as I command them to not bring up such a topic in my mind... they continue.