Had i been writing this entry at this time last night, i would have a) been magic, cos i was at ballet and b) been writing about how i was plannign to get baptised at easter. But oh how times change. I'm still not magic, but i'm not getting baptised either. I talked to my mum about it. well, kinda, she talked at me. And now i wish i hadnt bothered for all the reasons i didnt want to talk to her in the first place. She asked me awkward questions, and clearly i gave her the wrong answers. She looked at me, and i knew she didnt believe a word i was saying. Much as she may help other people and my fecking sister, she was just patronising and unfair. I went in there quite secure and happy in myself and in my faith. I came out scared shytless, realising that i knew nothing, am nothing, not even vaugley ready for baptism cos i hardly even have a faith let alone one strong enough for that kinda of a decision, and much as i want a relationship with god, i havent fecking got one so frankly why do i even consider myself a christian? she was always the only thing stopping me getting baptised, and she's definitely stopped me now. I cried then and i'm crying now. Why do i bother?