Its interesting that I am beginning to feel agais. ALmost alive actually. Talking with Kelly has brightned up my life a bit and having to remember what it felt like to be young and confused has been oddly liberating. Tom often lately i have felt like i was a thousand years old with a life time of unreleased burdens stil desiring to be fullfilled. Part of the release I know was forn letting Angie go, completely with no shreds of doubt if it was the right thing to do. We are not compatible anymore. I have changed to much and she has not. It hurt at first but now it seems more like a distant dream. For that I am glad. My power is returning as I no longer feel it all being consumed for my survival. I feel less afraid and my confidence returns back tome. I desire to remake myself and be better. To bring the image that my mind projects into reality. I am ready to fight again, before i would of jsut laid down and died. Hope is returngin and I can see the end of the tunnel of sorrow that I have been stuck in for so long. I think I am alnost ready to lvoe again, but not quite yet. Love has left to many wounds on my heart and I am afraid that if I pull of the scab before I am completely healed that I will bleed to death. Right now I am on a cross road. Not sure wich path to follow, jsut knowing that I cannot turn pack. lonliness is pulling me one way and the fear of being hurt another. The third path of my lifes road is following the cold dark unfeeling path that I am just about to escape. Still not sure if I am steady enough to love, but loniliness is a nagging reason to hope that I am ready again. i am in a conflict of emotions again. ANd i have to decide how I am going to travel. Its been long enough, I think I have punished myself enough for my past mistakes. I long to be close to someone, but i am stil afraid taht I will just drive them away into a hateful place like i have seemed to with the last person I tried to love. That was jsut a long mistake that I couldnt seem to fix but it still sinks i the same is my jaded heart ready to open itsself to some one new or am I just dooming myself to repeat my previous epeience and once again sealing myself away from yet another scar on my soul. I have clarity in the fact that I must make a change but I am lost in what that change should be. Maybe I am not quite ready to feel again or maybe I am, I guess I'l just have to decide that when the time for me to want to feel returns again. Till then i will ahve to remainlost in my uncertain future. I cannot yet see what the future hold or what choices I will make. I am as clueless to the next era in my life as the mindane man is to theres. In that cloud of uncertainit I am goin insane.