I have finally reached the end of that drak cold place that I have been trapped. I walked out into the open air and I for the first time in years felt good. The snow covered grass beneath my feet. The cold air across my feet, the soumds the smells on the cold winter air. It all felt good. No longer harsh and uncaring. Now I am stuck with a descision. Take the risky path and risk what it might entail or take the simple path and regret its coices for the rest of my life. I walk past one cross road and amke my choice. The one that I hope is the right choice. I get better and I feel good. Now so soon after is another crossroad in my life. This one path brings about the greatest reward and the highest risk. The other brings about minor rewards with no risk at all. I see myself walking down the path of greatest return. I know if I travel much further in i will not be able to turnm back. But alond this road is a dark terrain. If i fail even once I do not know if I can get back on the path before I become lost to its surroundings. So much is at stake if i keep walking but myself and my sanity is at stake if I turn back and go the other way. SO i have no choice but to risk it all and hope that I will not fail. So much resides on the choice so simple as this. So much is risked and much will be gained. I will suceed if I can face my demons and walk away from them with out fear. Failure means I will destroy my reward. So as I tred I remind myself to tred carfuly looking for the pitfalls along the way. I have the map but it is an unexplored place that few have dared tred. Now as I look down the road and I see what lies ahead. I know i cannot turn back. It is alreaduy to late. I want to take the risk and I want to see the reuslts. Good or bad, it is the path I must choose. Funny how these things go a month ago I thought I would be taking the easy path. Thats all changed now. Cursed to see what lies ahead and to always be driven by what if. If that is my path then I best not do it alone. Soon I will have to tred of the wild fromtiers of my destiney not knowing where such things will lead. One can only see so much and if the results are not to your liking then one must follow no road and make his own way. Hopefully i wil be ready when that time comes. I think I will be. I am so much better now, then I was before. Then I have ever been and I only see me getting stronger, more sure, more stable and more towards the goals that I have. My life finally makes sense and I can see with my own eyes, live with my own mistakes and trust in myself like I couldn't before. I finally remembered that I don't have to be perfect, that I can make mistakes and that this time through that realization will make me more able to see uninhibited and will actually reduce the desire to destroy myself. I have saught to long to be perfect and in doing so made myself so much less then I coul be. Now I see that i must make mistakes so i can learn and grow. I shouldn't fear the dark roads ahead or the pain it will cause. I should expect ti and accept it as it is. There was no need to be scared and no need to dread the future. In it I will find myself, find love and become one with the world around me. I am for the first time in my life truly at peace with myself. Looking only to improve, no longer dreaded with the self hating instinct of my imperfection. I again feel the gold return to my soul as I once again reawaken myself to my calling. I will not be alone she will not let me be. I have my family I have my freinds, and if I play my part right, continue to be myself I wil have her too. Its funny how i look back in retrospect and it all seems so clear, i had to let go of my fear and stop clinging to the past. Now that I have I see why I must. The past is done I cannot repent. Only accept and ask for others to as well. We are the future and we are to boggeg down by our past sins. If we donnot move on then we wil be just like the last. We will lose we will die and we wil of made our own hell. We have to make our own way. What our dreams tell us be damned we are creatures of our own will and we have the power to control our destinye. We just have to learn how. I refuse to just roll over and accept my fate, i ask that the others try and have faith in that. We are not the pawns of a higher being we are and can be able to control our fate and our lives, If we can learn to accept the consequences and the risks of letting it all go. I hope to you all that you can too find peace within yourselves. I hae faith that you can but I cannot guide you down my path, It was mine to walk and you all must find your own. I look forward to the day when you too can see what I know see.