For the first time in almost 3 months I remebered what hope felt like. For one night I slept soundly not waking to some horror lurking in my mind. For once I did not see myself killing everything I loved like a demon in a blood frenzy. For once I was not reminded that I was on the edge of death. For once I did not feel the need to die. Some of the pain in my body went away. A few muscles relaxed and the tension in my head let up just enough that I could think. The headache tha I have had for the last month finally went from searing pain to a numbing throb. My back relaxed and I can for the first time in a monh stand up straight with out having back pains. With my physical pain in check I could actually deal with some of the mental pain I have been facing. Sure the sound sleep was the effect of powerful narcotics but I was so bad the night nefore I didnt care and took medication for the first time in 6 months. With that happy slumber and reduction of pain in my body I was able to mend just a bit. The world didnt seem so bleak and I amde it through a full shift at work with out being completly exhausted and beat for the day. I hope this trend continues. If it does I might actually be able to feel again and begin my long recovery that I have been denying I needed for to long. Im still depressed but not quite as much as I was before. I think I will be able to see that light at the end of the tunnel before to long. I really do hope so. But as I said before. I have to cast aside everthing taht casues me hurt till I am strong enough to deal with it again. Maybe in a week or too i will smile again and actaully mean it. After that I guess I should go and look into a relationship. That way I can move on and find some one to love. But not until I am ready for the hurt again. And Im not quite back to that point yet. But I really think I am getting there.