Lately I've been forced to listen to an unhealthy, excess amount of bitching from females complaining that men "don't know what they want". Because, of course if these girls are rejected it must mean that the guy didn't know what he wanted, and most certainly NOT that the girl didn't get off her ass and make herself worth hanging onto. No, because that would breed accountability, and if they admitted that they were accountable then they'd have no room to bitch and nobody would listen to them. Now, since I'm such a nice guy and care for humanity in general, I am going to offer the 4 Magic Keys to a Man's Heart. If you can provide your man (or man to be) with these things, he will be captivated, and physically and emotionally unable to escape. Your stock would simply be too high. Before I list the 4 keys, just remember: I'm here to help you. If these keys seem ludacris, it's just you being lazy....and you being lazy has done nothing but give you a teared filled pillow and a stinky finger. The 4 Keys to Winning a Man's Heart Cooking Girls, I'm not sure exactly when things went south, but at some point somebody lied to you and told you that simply standing there and gracing us with your 'hotness' is enough to make any guy want you. They told you that equal rights is how it should be. They told you that guys should be cooking half of the time, yada yada. I'm here to tell you that you were lied to. The people that came up with these "realizations" are actually women that better resemble water buffalo. They are large women who, without amazing cooking abilities, would lose their man to you hotties everytime. However, once you stopped cooking, we went back to the large women. As much as we love sex with hot chicks, we'll take sex with ugly chicks AND an amazing Denny's breakfast the next morning. You need to GET YOUR LAZY ASS OUT OF BED the next morning and make sure that when he wakes up he's greeted with an amazing breakfast (and maybe a blowjob depending on the state of your stock at the time). If you don't know how to cook, learn. Your mom knows how to cook so ask her for help. If she also fell into the trap of not learning how to cook then ask your grandmom. Your grandmother will definitely know. Notice most grandparents stayed together. Why? Because your grandfather was never hungry. And your grandmother didn't have time to nag at him. Why? Because she was too busy cooking. Laundry We need clean clothes. And we cannot respect ourselves as men after we've just got done folding bras and spraying starch on our clothes to get the wrinkles out. Besides, we are far too busy doing more important things like: fighting wars, making money to spend on you, and winning the Super Bowl in Madden 2005. We do not have time to be playing around with clothes. They say that behind every great man was a great women. This is very true. Without a great woman, we wouldn't have clean clothes. Lets put the chocolate away, get off the couch, away from reality TV for a minute and actually live reality in real life and do some serious laundry. Come on, we know that deep down inside you really like it. Sex Lets just get this part over with: We know that you "don't usually do this sort of thing", that you're "not like that" and that you're "not going to have sex with us". Right. We got it. You can just save that. Because every single girl that that we've ever slept with has said it. The bottom line is that if you want your man to be happy and have no reason to stray, you'd better learn how to "do that sort of thing" and how to start being "like that". You want to fuck just as much as we do. Don't deny that. We're just lucky enough to be able to come out and admit it without having to feel like crap about ourselves. I'm here to tell you that you don't have to feel like crap anymore. Put out and smile. That's my new advice to you. Stop the games. Stop feeling like a slut and enjoy it. Self-respect is so over-rated anymore. We really don't require it as much as your fat girlfriends tell you. (once again the fat ones are mind-fucking you). Saving yourself for marriage so that you please god is not acceptable. God is not going to make sure the love of your life stays put when you tell him that he's in for 10 more years of jerking off (only with your hand instead). God is not going to make sure your man doesn't stray after your honeymoon when he finally does throw it in you and he realizes your sex ability is equivelant to watching a fish out of water flop around. Wake up, put the bible down, and fuck something. Realize what is really important in life. Peace and Quiet This is probably the most overlooked key. Every man requires at least one hour of silence while he does whatever he wants to do with spare time. I prefer the Playstation 2, or jerking off to short internet porno clips but every man is different. During this time, your safest bet is to get lost (or cook and do laundry). However, if you do feel like you haven't done enough and want to help out, you are welcome to provide us with a fresh flow of beer. The only words that are acceptable during our "quiet time" are: "Another beer?" and "(insert name of your hot girlfriend here) is going to come over in a half hour and go to bed with us." If you feel that your diarrhea of the mouth is so severe that you can't silence your shit cannon for that hour, then please do us a favor and duct tape your lips together or go outside and mow the lawn. That's all you need to do to hold on to your man. It's as easy as providing him with food, clothing, sex, and quiet. It might take some getting use to but I think that after awhile you'll find that catering for his comfort will provide you with immense personal satisfaction.