So ok…I’m not really sure where I want to go with this. I absolutely love college…well for the most part, but this week I got so incredibly homesick it’s not even funny. I almost cried today in fact. It sucks cause I’ve been in this horrible mood all week I dunno what’s wrong with me. Every little thing is making me think of Matty and it sucks. I was talking to Karen the other night and telling her all of the things that I remember and I miss so much now and it sucks cause things still could be awesome…It’s amazing the things you remember and how vividly you remember them. I can still see the things we did in my mind…it’s so scary. I can close my eyes and I can see it like it was happening right in front of me. Even now, like I had the most amazing time today, which was good, (I went to Hershey Park) but now I am sitting here thinking about him. Like all of my friends here came to school with boyfriends, why couldn’t I? Why was it so hard for you to commit to me? Was it the distance, cause there are a lot of couples that are a lot further apart. It’s not like I never come home. I think about how awesome it would have been to see you at the football games and be able to go up to you and put my arms around you. I think about how awesome it could have been coming home for Christmas break and getting to spend time with you. How awesome could we have been? What is wrong with you…or should I say, what is wrong with me? You said it was you but isn’t that the typical guy response to get you off the hook? I still wonder if you meant anything you said to me, but then at the same time what would be your reason to lie? You never gave me a reason not to trust you. I mean why wouldn’t you want this relationship? It seems to me that people like to fool around with me but don’t actually want a relationship with me and to tell you the truth I’m sick of it. It makes me feel like shit. I don’t know or care what you think or feel. It’s about time someone cared about me. You said you do and you wanted to stop hurting me. Well how in the hell is me losing sleep thinking about all this shit helping me exactly, cause I fail to see it. I’m glad you let me go but I haven’t let you go and I doubt I will be able to in the near future. It killed me just seeing you. How are things supposed to be now? How long am I going to have to wait? We can’t talk about this…I mean unless you get it in your head that you want to talk about it, which is never. So yeah, looks like I get no closure for the rest of my life and we can just not talk and have everything go back to the way it was before you ever acknowledged I existed to begin with. What the hell ever made you like me in the first place cause apparently I am just that incredibly unattractive that people realize like a month down the road and just pretend nothing ever happened and rack me up as temporary insanity. It is so sad…I go places and imagine what they would be like if you were there with me or just even what it would feel like to have you at home waiting for me, like when we went to the shore this summer. I knew you would be there for me when I got back and when I called you you actually sounded like you wanted to talk to me and for a minute I was fooled into believing you and I were an actual relationship that might actually be different from all the rest. Wow did you fool me. Wow did you change. Did you know that you were my prince charming? Did you know that you were the most amazing kisser? Did you know that you are the kind of guy I would want to marry and I could see myself with for the rest of my life? Did you know that I looked forward to nothing more on a Saturday night than sitting in your basement watching movies? I remember one Saturday in particular that when I asked what you were doing that night you said you were watching movies in the basement that I was welcome to join you, well did you know that when I went to mass that night all I could think about was going to your house afterwards. I still sit in church on Saturday nights, when I’m home, and think about how I felt before I went over your house that night. It was the best feeling in the world. How many nights did we spend in your basement having the best time doing absolutely nothing? Remember that night you turned off the light and I couldn’t see and you said to me “What’s a matter, can’t you see in the dark?†Cause I do. I remember damn near everything and if that’s sad I’m sorry but you do not realize the incredible impact you have had on my life and I refuse to accept the fact that something as amazing as you spilled through my fingers. I was so excited I finally found a guy worthy of my time and look how you turned out. Why did you have to do this? Why do you not care that I am killing myself almost every night thinking about this? Why do you show absolutely no concern for me anymore? You can’t even make the effort to message me and ask me how school is going. Are you trying to forget me or what, because it seems to me you’re doing a damn good job? I went to Hershey Park today. You know the last time I went to Hershey Park was the day after you broke up with me, the day after I was up until 4 in the morning crying my eyes out asking God why. I would kill to know what you were thinking that night. Nothing I’m sure is what you’d tell me. But guess what I was thinking about all day today? What a surprise YOU because I can’t even go to Hershey Park without thinking of you. Your memories are everywhere. I can’t sit on my front porch anymore because I sit there and think of that day you came over to fix my laptop and we sat there together, or the night before everything went to hell and you stopped talking to me when we sat there and you held me and we talked. I can’t go to the movies without thinking of you, any movie, doesn’t matter where or what the movie is all I can think about is how we used to sit there and hold hands. Then people tell me I need to get over this…yeah…easy for you to say…you aren’t reminded everyday of the most amazing times of your life but the most insignificant things ever. I can’t even go to Wal-Mart now. You never let me play with the toys…I swear you were like my mother, you always told me to “put that back.†It was awesome in every way, I doubt you even remember it. And that’s the sad part. I remember these things and can see them in my mind like they happened yesterday; you prolly can’t even remember my name. Why did you do this? Cause YOU couldn’t handle it? Well consider how I’m “handling†it. Or not cause yanno that really never matters. What Christine feels never matters. It’s always everyone else. I always have to be quite and keep everything to myself. I’m supposed to sit here and take everything. I’m so tired of this. Whenever I finally think everything is finally paying off I get kicked in the ass again. Well I can’t take this anymore. Forget it. Just forget me. If you plan on hurting me, just turn the fuck around and start walking now cause I don’t want anything to do with you. I’m tired of getting hurt.