So let’s reflect on the past year…I’ve had some of the most amazing times of my life, and also some of the worst. I’ve been loved and hated, used, betrayed and made a total fool of. Looking back, now that I think about it, it’s been a shitty year overall and it continues to get shittier as time goes on. I lost a whole group of friends, whether that was for the better or the worse really doesn’t matter at this point, I gained an amazing best friend, I went from being hated, to well, still being hated by a lot of people but at the same time became loved by some of the most random people ever, people you would never expect. I’ve solidified a lot of friendships and finally found, in my opinion, the perfect group of friends. This time last year I was stressing about my audition for the University of the Arts in Philly only to find out a few weeks later that I didn’t get in, no surprise there. I remember that day like it was yesterday, how cold it was in Philly that morning and how nervous I was and how I knew, as soon as I walked into the dance part of the audition, that I didn’t make it. I remember calling Chad because he was so confident in me. I remember how he talked to me until one in the morning the night before I went calming me down and reassuring me, to bad I let him down. I was getting ready for Dio and County Chorus which were both amazing, so many great times. I landed one of the lead roles in the play and practice would be starting soon, long nights of never ending drama. That’s when my life started getting really interesting and it hasn’t slowed down since. In that span of time between when play rehearsals started and the end of the summer I went from having two boyfriends in a row to having none…again…what a surprise. This time of year always makes it worse too. I thought I was going to have a boyfriend this year for the holidays and that hope kinda went out the window back in August. I hate sitting here alone, I’m tired of it. Sometimes I wonder if there is a guy out there for me. I thought there was…now I’m not so sure. I just want someone who is going to care about me and think about me and just be there for me. I want that so bad. God I’m looking at pictures of my from the past year and this summer and how fucking fat I got. I’m so unhappy with myself right now. People keep telling me I look great but yeah, they lie. I know I gained weight, let’s stop trying to make me feel good people. I’m sure that doesn’t help in my search for the perfect guy. No guy wants a fat girlfriend, they just don’t. Can you tell I’m depressed right now? I hope so because that’s the feeling I’m going for. It’s two in the morning on New Years Eve…well I guess it’s New Years Day now…but whatever. I’m sitting here alone writing a God damn journal entry, for Christ’s sake. How pathetic is that? I’m thinking about you and where you are right now, even though I have a pretty good idea of at least what you’re doing right now. I wish you were here with me but I guess that’s never going to happen is it? I’m thinking about Joe too and why the hell he’s going to be a priest…I swear to God the only guys that show the slightest bit of interest in me are guys I could never have. Joe is hot and he likes me…I mean in that friendly kinda way…we so could be dating if it wasn’t for that damn little fact that he wants to be a priest. And what about the other Joe, he’s so adorable and he likes me too. He just told me tonight that he loves me and is in love with my voice, we’d make such and awesome couple, but yeah, Joe is gay. What the hell! Seriously already. And any of the other guys in my life that are interested in me only hang out with me when they want to fool around, so basically all I am is a little fuck buddy they call when they want to mess around. I want a guy that is going to treat me right and respect me. I think I deserve at least that much. I want a guy like Joe (the first one) because he seems like the kind of guy that would treat me right. He doesn’t seem like the type that would play games…of course I could very well be wrong about that, hell I’ve been wrong about guys in the past…does the name Jerome ring a bell to anyone? But seriously…guys I think are good guys just turn out to be just as big as assholes as anyone else. I am currently being used by one of the nicest guys I know for God’s sake. And why do I let them do this to me? Because I want their attention and I will do absolutely anything to get it. Any time a guy shows even the slightest bit of interest in me I jump all over it like friggin white on rice. So I guess it’s my fault again…as usual, what a surprise. Happy fucking New Year everyone…hope it doesn’t suck for you.