Well this week has just been a roller coaster of emotions. First of all I really didn’t want to come back to school. Everything was so awesome at home, my mom and I were getting along so good and well my dad, was my dad, but I was handling it and it was just perfect. Then I came back here and I don’t know what happened to me. Michael never called me back last weekend which stressed me out. I totally forgot to pick out my classes for next year; I was behind in work and had a psychology test on Thursday and a Public Speaking quiz on Wednesday. I skipped so many classes this week it’s not even funny. I have some kind of script thing I have to perform this week with Brian who I haven’t even talked to at all about yet. I have an audition coming up at the beginning of April too that I haven’t even started preparing for yet. And on top of all that I have friend issues to deal with and my period was late, which added incredibly to the overwhelming sensation of stress I have felt all week. So ok when you ask me “what the hell are you stressed out about?†Maybe you should think twice about what my life entails. I’m always the one everyone comes to with all their situations and I have 500 million different problems going on in my head at any given time, not to mention all of my own bullshit I get thrown into my lap daily. People think my life is so easy and what the hell could Christine ever be stressed out about, well think again people, cause there is a lot of shit I keep inside, a lot of stuff you have no idea is even going on with me. I put on that happy fucking face to make myself seem happy when I’m not because people need me to be there for them. I always have to be the strong one; I can never ever break down about anything because I’m always overeating or being melodramatic. I guess I should be used to it, not a lot has changed from high school apparently, everyone still sees me the same way- the perfect lil Christine who has the perfect life with perfect parents and a perfect everything. I’m never supposed to have drama. I’m always supposed to be happy because what could I possibly have in my life to make me sad. Well how about friends who stab me in the back, not knowing what I want to do with the rest of my life and having to wonder if I’m good enough to make it in this world doing the only thing I have interest in at all, or maybe the fact that every single guy I have ever gotten myself involved with has dicked me over. I hate guys right now. Why do they all seem so great but in a matter of like two seconds they decide that I’m not what they had in mind and drop me like a hot potato. Why am I only good for so long? Why do they all get tired of me so fast? What am I doing wrong? Tell me. Three guys in a fucking row, all of them got so incredibly weird so fast. What makes you all so attracted to me at first but then realize I’m suddenly not so great anymore. I wish someone would explain that to me, because to the best of my knowledge I don’t change. I guess I’m wrong. What a surprise, I always am. I guess once you find out that I could actually care about you you get freaked out and just need to get away from me. I guess it’s all that baggage I have, as I was once told. I guess that’s what the media has taught us, girls are for fucking around with, not actually having a relationship with.
I am so incredibly self conscious and afraid of every little move I make. I doubt myself in the biggest way and almost ready to say fuck theater all together because I’m never going to make it. Then what do I have? Not a whole hell of a lot. People ask me why I want to do theater well because surprise I’m not a rocket scientist, if I don’t do this, I can’t do anything else. So yeah people, I have a whole hell of a lot on my mind than you think and its not always so easy to be me. And fuck you too because you have the perfect life too, I don’t wanna fuckin hear it. Anyway, the week ended up nicely with me finally getting my period and spending most of yesterday curled up in bed because I couldn’t move. I’m still incredibly tired and moody as all hell. This needs to end. I seriously think I’m going to have a nervous break down soon. Now I have to work tomorrow, that should be a joy another never-ending cycle of stress. Maybe they’ll let me go early, probably not, when has anything ever worked out for me in the past.