So I’ve been sitting here for the past hour reading old convos and it feels like it should be 3 in the morning but its only quarter to 12. It’s summer and I should be happy but somehow I’m not. I’m so glad to be home, even though school was awesome, but I dunno people will think I’m crazy for bringing up this old shit so maybe I shouldn’t even bother…but it’s like yesterday was the 20th and last year the 20th was prom. That night was the beginning of everything for me last summer. Everything build upon itself after that night. I wish I could go back, I wish I could go back to graduation and keep going through that again and again. Life was so great then, this summer it just feels like something is missing. I feel so disjointed from everything now, like I don’t belong. Last year I still belonged to Marian and now this year, I’m just kind of here. Last year at this time, wow, life couldn’t have been better. Found my best friend (finally), had an amazing boyfriend, was 10 pounds lighter, life was great. I really miss it.
I think spring is definitely the season when you feel like you need to be in a relationship. I get so weird around this time. I kinda forgot what it felt like to feel lonely. Let me reiterate, I HATE IT. I miss everything about being in a relationship. EVERYTHING. I miss being able to go to their house when you needed to get away from yours. I miss them calling you up and asking you out, even if it was to the movies or just to their house. I miss my mom asking about them and what we did last night. I miss people thinking about me as past of an “us”. I miss riding in your car. I miss your basement. I miss kissing you. I miss sitting on my front porch with you. I miss driving home from your house at 1 in the morning. I miss you saying “goodnight little girl” to me when I got home. I miss how you treated me. But most of all I think I hate not knowing someone out there, other than like my parents, loves me. I hate that so much.
I hate having to think about this years 4th of July and realizing that it’s not going to be the same. That I’m not going to have someone to watch the fireworks with again. I remember, before last year, wishing and praying that the next year I would have someone to watch them with and then last year I did, I hate the thought of having to go back to that.
I wish I knew you wanted it back too. I wish I knew anything about anything you ever felt or thought, but I didn’t, and still don’t. It would at least give me some piece of mind. I said I was reading old convos, well which ones do you think I was reading? I saw how, piece by piece, our relationship began to deteriorate. Everyday conversations turned into every other day then once a week then not at all. You made me so angry, but looking back I could never in a million years say I hated you. I never talked shit about you. I never said one bad thing about you since. There was no need to. I saw how you said you didn’t want to break up with me and you wanted our relationship to work more than I thought and I wonder if you still feel that way or if you have blocked me out of your memory. Do you ever think about the fun we had together? Do you remember how you made me watch Batman every single night I was at your house? Do you remember that first night that you kissed me? It was the night before your birthday. I remember. I wonder if you do. Chances are you don’t. But a girl can dream right? I have nothing but fond memories of you and I wonder what you think of when someone says my name. I still miss you. I still think about you often, more so since I’m home and actually have time too. I guess you still don’t have time for anything. Remember when you had time for me? Those were the days. I remember this one time in particular, I don’t know why, but you were rafting all day in Jim Thorpe with Action, I think, and I know you were tired but you still called me afterwards and asked me to come down. I think that was the last time I was at your house. I remember I hadn’t seen you in a couple days and I told you I wanted to see you and then the next day you called me. It was nice how that used to work yanno. I remember the last time you were here too. We were supposed to go see Batman Returns but you fell asleep and we ended up seeing Charlie and the Chocolate Factory instead. You hated it, I know you did. Remember House of Wax, that was the first movie we, well no it wasn’t the first movie we saw together, but it was the first movie you held my hand. I didn’t think guys still did that, Christ. I remember how I thought it was the sweetest thing in the world. And you never wanted anything more from me, ever. I loved that about you. Remember when I brought over Dirty Dancing to your house. I was there for like 6 hours that night. We played Super Nintendo and I sucked at it, even though I thought I was so amazing. You laughed at me of course; you always seemed to be doing that, in the nicest way possible of course. Remember when we went to Leiby’s after Baccalaureate with JC. I remember I was pissed at you because you didn’t even say goodbye to me afterwards but then I parked next to you and JC and I were talking by my car so you came with us. PS, I did that on purpose. I hung around and made JC talk to me so I could wait for you. Surprise. I remember when we got there how I was showing JC my background on my phone and then you showed him his but you wouldn’t show me, I know it was the picture of you and me from prom, it made my life. Then we fucked around, well you did, with JC’s subs. That was a night. Remember that day you came over to “fix” my computer but you never really did. I got up early that morning to take a shower and clean the house even though I said I was going to sleep till noon. That was the best day of my life just so you know.
I have to many memories and I know ya’ll are sick of reading them, but there are so many more. For how short that relationship was I have pages and pages of memories and every single one of them is a good one. I miss you a lot. I wish it could have worked out. I really wish we still talked too…oh well I guess I can’t have everything, kinda wish I still had you though, cause even if I had nothing, you would still be my everything. Goodnight little boy.