Guess I needed some S.D. therapy, for it has been too long.

I have been getting closer and closer to some of my friends lately. Others, I have chosen to stand back from for one reason or another.

I am inclined to want to cut out parts of my life, even memories that tend to haunt. I find myself so lonely. I spent my entire life wanting nothing more than to live for me, to do as I saw fit. Now, I see life for what it is; a short time frame in which a person either allows himself the luxury of happiness or the pain of sadness.

It is all very simple indeed.

I spent the last couple days randomly finding girls I once loved and cared about just to see where they were at. All of them married, all of them more beautiful than ever. What I wouldn't give to go back in time and done what I now know I should have done. To treat them with love, care for them, absorb their passions and explore the life that could have been.

In a day and age when things move so quickly, it is hard for me to comprehend the likelihood of ever finding what I know I have lost.

I am not sure what is more depressing, knowing I could have had someone who would have given me their everything, or knowing that I have grown into something that tends to reject anything new because of that.

I suppose I am playing the same game with myself; woe is me. But damnit, woe is me.

Parents always say, 'noone wrote a book on how to do this.' Well I say, noone wrote a book on how to recognize and hold on to the precious and the beautiful when your young. How was I supposed to know women were not always going to be throwing themselves at my door?

What a failure.

I digress now, my venting complete for the time being. Perhaps I will wake up in the marrow and I won't see a shadow lying beside me.