so where do i start this entry off? i have been thinking about life and such lately. The thoughts of losing someone close to me, a friend or family member. Where I will be in the next few years, and more than anything where i want to be in those next few years. Going back home over break was awesome. my friends all made time for me and it was great hanging with everyone again. But things were not the same as they had been. I noticed more negatives than positives. I saw exactly where I was before I left home and how I was so happy not having to be in those shoes. Such a big part of me wants to go back home and be in the comfort of those whom I love. But I cannot allow myself to fail at my goal in moving out here. I have come up with fifty fucking million excuses as to why I should move back but at the same time I come up with counters to all of them. So up until tonight I was still pretty undicided as to whether or not I was moving back. Then I got the message.... "Hey 'B' call Joel... you really need to talk to him." Garrett tells me "Is it important?" I say. "You need to call him back man when you can." He answers with a serious tone in his voice. I knew right there that Joel was going to be a father. Joel has been my best-friend sence a little under halfway through high school. We had always discussed having kids and what not. We always made sure to be carefull, and when one of us would come to the other saying that he thought he might have gotten his girl pregnant, we would both help each other to be strong about the situation. Now Joel is 21 and has a kid expected in September. His girlfriend who I think is a bitch, (and I have very good reasons) is 20 and now a major role in his life, even more than before. I feel so lost. I spent so long holding on to what was in the past that now shit is flying by my head and I have no idea how to slow it down or even comprehend some of it. So.... It's just me now. No more P.F.C., no more 'Goodfellas', no more 'old-school' times. It's just me. The old crew is finally split up for some reason or another. God I feel like someone died. I am happy for Joel but at the same time I am bitter. So very very fucking bitter. I now have to think deeply about my life and what I am doing. Blinders have been ripped from my eyes. I feel lonely. Life is to fast. What I would give for one more night with the 'Goodfellas' all back together. Drinking and fuckin round just like the good days. So... As it seems... The final page to that chapter has come now to an end... And so I have decided to stay here in Bloomington, Fucking Indiana. I have got shit to do here now.