And so with less than a month left of my extended stay in Maryland which lasted almost a quarter of a year, I retreat back to Delaware. Besides missing my friends, having amazing nights just before I came back here to weeks boredom, the reality that I've set myself back even more by coming here aswell as gaining wait and spending all my money... things always seemed awkward. Awkwardness. One of the reasons I came here was to leave the awkwardness of my mom's situation with her boyfriend and now I'm experiencing it with my dad and his girlfriend. Like tonight they started fighting at the dinner table. I kept my head down, finished what I had left on my plate and escaped to my ever-cold isolated basement-room where I turned up my music just so I wouldn't have to hear more of it. Its kinda funny because my dad hates fighting with my mother or anyone in front of me and my siblings. He knows this its very uncomfortable because his parents did that to him. Gameboys really help you escape, more so than any other thing I think. Well besides drugs but thats not my thing. Other kinds of awkwardness would be being the youngest person in a bar not talking to anyone while sipping on a cup of soda and watching everyone else get drunk. I've smoked more cigarettes hear than any other place because I think I would go insane without some kind of habit to cling to. Myspace helps too. Its better than using up my minutes on a cell phone I can't even use here or running up the phone bill with "long distance" phone calls. Despite how much my friends bash me for using it so much, granted it is pathetic, it keeps me connected and somewhat feels like I still have friends. I really wish i had a car so i could get out. Atleast for an hour a day. Whats the point in having a one man adventure when you have no idea where you're going and the only one to talk to is yourself. My time here really made me hate winter because it further trapped me to be inside. But all this isolation is almost behind me. Back to the place I really do call home. I think theres prospects for me there. Prospects in the sense of a job that I'll like doing, a close enough college, friends that i'll probably see twice a day if not atleast twice a week. I really am considering moving in with my buddy Tim because honestly he's probably the only friend who won't flake on me, who will pay his half of the rent, plus I trust him more than the other irresponsible, immature, douchebags that I somehow call my friends. Right now, I think anywhere is better than this STAGNATIVE place. In This Twilight by NIN watch the sun, as it crawls across a final time and it feels like, like it was a friend. it is watching us, and the world we set on fire do you wonder, if it feels the same? and the sky is filled with light can you see it? all the black is really white if you believe it as your time is running out let me take away your doubt you can find a better a place in this twilight from dust to dust, ashes in your hair remind me what it feels like and I won't feel again night descends could I have been a better person if I could only do it all again and the sky is filled with light can you see it? all the black is really white if you believe it and the longing that you feel you know none of this is real you will find a better place in this twilight