I just received my imPRESS press on manicure complimentary for testing purposes from Influenster. I really enjoyed the fun colour and put them on for my birthday!! I put them on the day before my birthday and they lasted threw my daily activites. They lasted about 4 days till i could feel the difference of the glue wearing out and them lifting. While playing on the playground with family my pinky nail was ripped off by the structure and ow it hurt. After that i couldn't help but start to remove the remaining nails. They probably would of lasted a few days more if i had left them alone. I enjoyed the nails and found them to be pretty, durable, easy to apply. I thought the new glue mechanism was innovative and did make it less messy compared to the liquid nail glue i normally would use with this type of product. The stickys lasted longer then the other brands nail glue stickers. I did find it somewhat hard to peel the nail glue area as it felt like the nail was bending and being too flexible as i pulled it off to expose the glue. I thought the pretty color was neat and the quality of the nail art was good to great, i liked the consistancy between each nail. I was able to find the appropriate size for each finger. I like this product and am excited to try the other set i got and the other theme/colors avialible.

I've been feeling super stressed lately. I thought maybe spilling to the world (where no one really sees me anyway) was maybe a way to let go. Where do I even start? It's all this beautifully ironic poetry in my head but it doesn’t come out right anymore. So what's bothering me? I guess the same typical stuff that bothers everyone. Money is stressful the bills have been adding up and piling up. It weights heavy. I feel really stressed and bothered that D just leaves it up to me to do it all. The grocery shopping, the bill paying, even was making his dr. appointments when he has his little emergencies. Then the resentment that I get from him because I’m too Nagy or I mother him too much is just bull. I laugh at his attempt to give me a relaxing day. Sure he cleaned really well one day, like two weeks ago and the "sit back and relax" that I got was still to do all the grocery shopping. Of course since he'd been cleaning so much he was too tired to help me put away the groceries and all that is involved with that. I wish I could just let go of the financial responsibilities/duties over to him. I don't want to minimize his contributions cause financially speaking he is contributing. The real responsibility lies with me making sure things get paid. He wouldn't even know what bill that we do have to pay. I'm also very stressed about school. I know it's mostly my own fault for procrastinating but I’m still just having a head time with this class. It was really defeating to have made a huge mistake on top of the procrastination. Reading the wrong chapters and putting my self behind. I don't want this class to go down the drain. How am I ever going to finish. The fact that I seem to have no affinity for this class is also concerning to me since it is just a taste of what I would be like to be in med school. I think my path is going to lead down a path of psychology since it seems to come more naturally then the medical/physiological aspect. But then I feel like a failure and I really feel that it is the path I want. It's just so hard and I’m not one to put in that much effort. I really want an easy life. I'm not in to working till you die. Why that's just societal convention. Of course it's necessary to a degree but what I want fits into a bigger picture that isn't based in the same reasoning but it would still get me to something that is considered an achievement by society. I hate my job, I know I say it all the time, I have small window where I start to think it's not so bad but then it changes again like the minute I talk to anyone. The job, the work the set ups and logistics is not hard work at all but it that's fucking company and the people like RP is such a bitch and I hate that she's my manager. The HR lady is a real super bitch and Payroll/supplies are retarded. There is absolutely no communication around there, they don't train anyone worth a shit and talk about everyone behind there backs instead of telling them what was wrong and how to fix it. I can't believe that email about being more careful how about teaching me what to do in the first place so that I would know instead of making me seek after the knowledge myself. I shouldn't have to beg to be taught how to do aspects of my job. I kind of feel trapped by my own device though. I don't know what I’d do about Santa's choice if I quit. D would be pretty furious if I just quit because I don't like it. I would have to be quitting for a specific reason. They would have to do something first. I don't know what to do. I’m barely getting by as it is. What else is bugging me? I'm stressed about my eyes. The problems I’ve been having lately. Going to my GP today didn't help because you know how much of a bad doctor he is. He barely does his job. He’s also got a stick up his ass. Anyway I adds stress to school cause I can barely read as much as I need to in one sit and it makes my job harder since the writing is small and by the end I have to look away to refocus. Having no money to go to the eye doctor or to buy new glasses if needed is a stress and having to ask mom is crappy since she just spoiled me in February on my trip well it sucks. And it makes me feel old. D has been stressing me out. I know he works hard but why can't he work at all at home? Why does he think I do nothing when I really do everything in running and maintaining our home? He can't even take out the garbage and things he should get a metal every time he actually does do something. Doing one big thing once every couple of years is nothing to win a metal for. What about every day. How about the 6 loads of dishes and 3 loads of laundry I’ve done since while he can't even return the cheese whiz or his dinner plate into the kitchen when he's done. He can't even throw a packaging wrapper away in the garbage that is located less then 2 feet away from his seat on the couch. It’s ridiculous. And him feeding my cats people food. he can't even change the litter box or go down to feed them cat food but he'll give him milk right out of the jug and leave his dinner plates with left overs on the floor and then he has the nerve to get mad that they stare and beg when you eat or even open the fridge door. He just turned them into savages. I'm also upset that D can't ever even try to be romantic with me just because I don't go to bed at the same time as him. I’m so board with his stupid routine and the fact that he'll only like do it at bed time. It wasn't always like that although he was never very adventurous or exciting when it came to doing it. He's on some stupid kick about having to be taken as right when he talks about some stupid fact and I frankly don't always believe him because he can't state his source and most of his knowledge come from the television. I can't rely on that especially when he takes all these computers generated what would happen or thing this is how it happens shows as fact. The thing with MM is bothering me a bit too. I can't believe how fucking stupid that bitch is being. And it's sad because she's been my so called best friend for 15 years now. I’m very angry about it to what she said and I feel because I was trying to take the high road I wasn't really able to defend myself. She played stupid little games with her text messages. It’s really pathetic. I told her I warned her ahead of time about everything and then she acts like I didn't and says like that shit back to me. When what about her? This one sided friendship that she's been supposedly given me, that's bogus that just a crock. She never put any effort into anything. I’m the one that always had to make concessions for her. always and on top of that all she's a fucking sloppy slutty alcoholic who has put me into many a shitty ass situation that I had to help her out of or experience with her cause she's such a bitch. I'm also not so impressed by JDs get in contact because I’m getting married shit. Then ohhh guess who's not getting married after I start making all the plans to go way out of my way to be there. I feel hurt that she also really only even got in contact with me cause of the wedding. Like I made sure she new when I was getting married that I established contact first then brought her into my wedding plans. I wasn't going to do it for the sake of it. Especially since she's had a baby that I’ve never met. Her kids like a year already. It’s b.s. I feel guilty and bad that my nephew's birthday was like 2 weeks ago and I still haven’t gotten anything I usually am so good about that stuff and I just feel shitty. I know it's not really about the presents but like I couldn't even be bothered to put any thought into it. It stresses me out because I have no money and he doesn't even really know me and it kill me. I feel like because I couldn’t even get the gift yet that I’m failing him, our relationship. Those are all the pressing things on my mind, on my shoulders lately. Do I feel any better? I can’t really say that I do yet. Maybe it needs a bit of time, can't expect instant. I just want the weight to be lifted up. I really want money to be able to not crash and burn with financial ruin. I want a better relationship with my husband; I wish I could communicate with him. He’s impossible. He’s like a fucking mute but he babbles and chatters all the time about non-relevant crap all the time. I just want. And I feel that I shouldn't have to want in life. I’m most content with the simple things but I really haven’t been lately. I'm depressed to stay the least and obviously stressed out. Which of course if just part of it all. They go hand in hand I mean. How can I feel so much hate and resentment to someone I love. Does it mean I don't love him anymore if I don't feel satisfied with our life as it is? Will it evolve, will he? I don't want to lose myself. I don't want to be a mother to him and most times if feel that is what he wants someone just to take care of him. I don't really feel love from him I feel like he just needs me because I do everything for him and I am the one that actually has everything. He moved in with me and has shit for stuff since his life was such a transient one and a flop for the most part. Does anyone really see me? Do I even see myself? Maybe I’m so disillusioned to myself that I can't see anyone or anything clearly. I’m just another one amongst the sea of emotional disappear that we all feel. I’m not any different. Not special per say. Just like this blog, it just one drop out there in a vast see of information, entertainment and crap. It’s not any better any worse, just ore noise. Just another small dot. The joke really would be on me if there was some grandiose purpose or design. I don't feel that there is a specific purpose. I feel more general guideline, a personal interpretation for everyone but ultimately the same goals of love and fulfillment. Self acceptance, gratification, satisfaction. And not the dirty kinky fun kind. I don't know if I’m even making sense. I’m mostly just taking to myself in my mind right now. No one else to really talk to. I guess I’m done for now. We’ll see how it goes; right, just go with the flow.

everything has been fine lately. working.

i'm pissed off as i face the possibility of divorce. I feel like it's all been some huge mistake and i don't know y i was stupid enough to make it. why didn't i know that this was going to turn out like shit. Apparently everything that i am and been doesn't interst him anymore. Like less then a week ago he was telling me that he loves me no matter what and that he needs me. ya he just needed to get laid. He's insulting and rude. and he's got some fuckin blinders on, cause he's greatly missinformed and totally wrong. I fuckin hate him right now. i have suspisions that he has cheated already, hence why he won't come home right away. i don't even know where he is. i thought that maybe he's at kw's and sm but i don't really know. fuckin cock suckin asshole. i feel so betrayed. i can't beleive how wrong he is how stupid his veiw is and telling me to do the math, he's the one who has no clue how thing are in reality. fuckin loser goof. and by the way it's him who hasn't showered for like four days and wears the same cloths every fuckin day. asswipe. Fuckin loser jerk i fuckin hate him. i'm not taking him back now he really blew it. like really. i can't believe him. fuckin drama queen jd was right when she said that i could do much better. my pride is hurt now, how foolish can't even make my marriage last a year. not even a year. plus with kk's wedding fast approaching i am really not happy, i'm embarreseed and depressed. it's so not fair. i'm really pisssed off beyond beleive. my life is realy sucking right now i have no money no friends no life no man but i'm fuckin married. god dam it. i'm so screwed. help me somebody. why did this have to happen, why would the cosmos let me marry this jerk, how coul they do that to me when i had such strong opinion aobut lthe traditional marraige thing come on give me a break. i can't handle this shit. it's driving me crazy school is so down the toilet, even before but especially now. i am so fucked. and he's just a greedy selfish fuckin bitch. stupid asshole. i'm so mad i'm bitter and i'm full of anger and hatred. how dare he say that shit to me. how fucking dare he after i've taken care of everything sinc the very begining how dare he when i do every fuckjing thing every fucking thing . like the asshole can't even write up his own papers. he asks for help but what he really is asking is for me to do it for him. stupid stupid jerk. why why dind't someone stop me from making this mistake. how embaressing , how pathetic. how stupid. i hate my life. i can't stress that enough. Ok that's my rant.

Married life isn't turning out to be the bliss that i had expected. We had a huge fight, not sure who's fault it should be..i don't think it matter much right now. It's been 3 days since the fight, we haven't talked about anything Some really shitty shit happened, D took the fight to a dangerous level. It seems like they are just getting worse. I'm hurt still and confused if i should just let things be. He hasn't expressed his remorse at all other then the fact that he's desperatly trying to cuddle me. Is that the only appology i get?? I think that he really needs to apoligize for his actions since he took it way too far. I can accept that fights happen but not this. I almost feel like a battered woman or something although it wasnt' as bad as that would imply. But the things he did, or tried to do to himself and the things that he did do where horrible. I don't want to live my life this way...is this the way it will always be? Why did i think that some things would change by them selves once we were married. I just thought he would want to do more be more now that it's us, not jsut him. Did i make a mistake? I'm mad that he doesnt' seem to want to talk about this or anything...is it always going to be this way, I don't want it to be this way. How are we ever going to be able to raise kids, we can't talk about anything and nothing we think is ever the same. i'm stressed to the max, the wedding took such a toll on my resorses, and the piper is calling and calling. I have no cash, being married screwed up the loans a bit and it's taking way long, and it's been way long. And that's the other thing about it too...no apprication for getting us threw to this point. It has been all me supporting us and financing our wedding and the majority of our honeymoon. What more does he want...blood from a stone? I can't have a relationship by myself and right now that is what it feels like. I Still don't know if i should be mad? He was like this to a degree when i married him and threw out the 7 year relationship that lead up to our union. I'm scared it will just get worse, that it wil progress into a spiral of hurt, and whatever. It bothers me, I can't shake it, and i can't handle this stress. I've done all i can and now i feel like i'm left to die alone. he still could leave so easily without the tires. Afterall all the bills are in my name, the consumer debt is mine although he sure doesn't complain about my debt when he's helping me spend the money and i provide all our daily needs. What ever happened to the guys supporting the household.

So i was wrong when i said that nothing would happen with us getting married. quite a lot has actually been happening. I've got the ring (it was on credit by the way) and i've got the dress, got the place, mailed out the invitations, planning the social..it's only 2 weeks away the wedding is only 12 weeks away. Anyway what ticks me off beyond belief is that his parents and brother are not comming to the wedding now!!! like do you belive it after they swore up and down they would come after they made such a fuss about sending a reply "since they were comming forsure" and since his bother is spose to be the best man. I'm so pissed. i'm more pissed because i saw d's heart break, his eyes were all watery. Like i really felt so bad for him. i asked him if he still wanted to get married his response was yes my life doesnt' revolve around them. Although all our wedding plans have. we were going to get married out there so they would be there, but they assured us they would come no matter where we decided. His mother wanted to like walk him donw the isle she wanted to have the parents dance. so they give us the reason because they have no money now cause they just bought a second house that they are not even moving in to. Then when we offered to pay for his mother to come here, she was like oh my doctor says i shouldn't travel. so they are obviously just making up excuses. Whatever thy are fucking bastards. Anyway i'm getting sick i swear it's cause i'm working too much. d isn't working right now he quite/fired more like quite from his job the same weekend that the inlaws said they weren't comming. He hasn't even bothered tringn to find a job. It is starting to piss me off thought. i am the only one who pays for anything. i saved for the money and its' not like he even put in any effort. i'm left to do all the planning. and everything and now with working too i feel like i'm marring my self. I feel like he doesnt' even care. at least he's started to do some house work and stuff while he's home play freakin puter games. I've started talking to JD again. i heard she was trying to get a hold of me and i chased her down in brandon. very interesting. I'm so freaking about the social. i'm scared that no one is comming. I really don't know. i'm so worried. i'm going to die At least kw and ajp are starting to pull their own weight, like they offered to pay for all the coldcuts spread which is super cool. and kk is really comming threw too she has bought prizes and is buying all the little things that we need too. I still have lots to do. mom and sis are comming in for the social and they are throwing me a shower auntie p and kk for the day after the social. i'm freaking out. g2g

The only place to hide is out in the open. Where no one notices and no one reads. I find my self in a situation that I have found myself in repeatedly. I am trapped by my own lies and my own lack of action. School is so fucked up. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to make it go away. I can't believe that I will be leaving again to work in a month or so. I don't really want to. I'm scared as to what is going to happen. I don't think d is really all that in to the marriage thing. I really don't think that he really meant to ask. The other day in the tube we were talking, well I was talking. I asked when we are going to buy the engagement ring. He pissed me off with his response. Something along the line of when we can buy it without credit. Then I was like oh so then we are never getting married! He was like not never, we're probably going to lose a few months...like three. Like what the hell does that mean? We probably are never getting married. He's been aloof that last couple of days. I think he is losing interest again. I think that he misses the bacular life. I think he thinks that I nag too much. I’m always telling him not to do stuff. I just wish he would do stuff with out me telling him, and properly. Like the dishes and such. He puts them in the wrong place on purpose. I know he values his own work more then what I do. I almost think that, that is the very reason too why he is so standoffish about the wedding. He is dreading having to have me as a dependant while I’m in school. He only wants to get married when we are moving too. I don't really want to move anytime soon. I can't afford to go to school anywhere but here. Plus since I've meet V I can't believe that he thought that she was a "real cool lady". She's a dumb loud mouth bitch. Plus like please the girl can’t' even hold her drugs and liquor. Like ok, if you wanna party, by all means do what you want but please only party as hard as you can handle it. I'm desperately jealous of other peoples' talents. I feel somewhat talentless. I use to have some ability to write elegantly but now I find myself somewhat choppy and with lack of emotion. I don't know how to convey my feelings anymore. It's like in my mind it is eloquent, it is the truth of what I feel and it's only expression is profound, but when I try to write it comes out forced and nonsensical. Plus when I do think of stuff to say it's always an inopportune time. I have suspicions. I think that d sometimes reads my diary. I’ve thought that before, I still think so. That’s why the best way to hide is to put it all out there. Out in the world my life is small and insignificant. No one really cares and it's mildly entertaining if you can read past the drag. I feel like if he doesn't want to marry me, on June 22/07, the date which we set then I don't know if I ever want to marry him. And if it's not leading to marriage what's the point anyway. I want life to go as planed. He makes decisions in his head and he doesn't tell me about them. He's not the one who gets to make all the decisions. It's not all about what he decides. And when he does plan things out in his head he forgets to tell me about them. Like going to see his mom and brother this summer, July, quitting his job all those plans, I knew nothing of them till I questioned him about it after hearing him tell his brother about it over the phone. It would have been nice if he told me about it. I was hoping deep down that he wanted to wait till the summer so he could spend time with his mom and ask her for help with the wedding. Then he would come back and say, good news babe..... But that is more like a day dream then a probable reality. Then I was dreaming, that of what he said about the ring and that it was really just because he's got one on layaway and that he is paying it off. Yeah right! More like he's not even thinking about the wedding. He won't ask, He won't save. Nothing. We talked at first about getting the rings before I leave to work. That's just out the window. I should never have really thought that this was going to happen. I should have taken it the way I did with martin. It wasn’t' real then and at least he thought enough to get a ring and flowers. Even though he's a fag and a loser he still knew what was spouse to happen. That's all that happened but he started off right. I didn't care that Damian told me instead of asked me, I just wanted to actually follow threw. Why can't it be the old days where the parents felt obligated and privileged to pay for the whole dame thing? Why should I save? I don't want to have to pay for the whole fucking thing. If it's ever going to happen I would have to find the money. Ba fucking hum bug. I'm flunking out of school so he won't want to marry me any more any way. he'll bitch and then try to send me off to work at mcdicks or tim hortons. I’m not doing that. He says I’m pressuring him. What the fuck does he think he's creating for me when he is acting like this? He's the one who said he wasn't going to make me look like a fool but that his exactly the pressure he is putting on me, I told people they expect things to happen. And they will think the same shit about me as they always do. I’m all talk. I never actually materialize anything. I’m not a doctor. My own bf doesn’t' have any faith I don't at this point. It’s another day dream. Whatever. I started off satisfied from my nasty finger and now I’m left bitter and resentful. Oh that what else he said after about the rings and when we can afford them without credit, he was like otherwise I’ll end up resenting them. He’s going o resent them anyway. He isn't even attracted to me. He just wants a nurturer. And one thing is that I’m a care taker.

i'm here, it's been a while, she still drives me crazy with just a thought, he still won't talk about it. Lots happen since then, i met his mom and dad, he asked me to marry him, to give him my hand. So next year we are having a wedding it better come true or he'll get the boot and his balls will be blue. i have no words to say when the opportunity appears, i have no way to express my fears. Ok check ya later

Maybe I’m a bad girlfriend, just a jealous insecure bitch. Maybe she's just a person. Maybe he's just an idiot. He hides everything. He lies by non discloser. Off with his head. And what am I?? I am nothing. I am sad and in trouble today. Why do I bother? I hate it. And she writes poems about my boyfriend fuck you. Sure feel bad about myself because of you, I hate you, you get me in trouble when I just finished getting myself out of trouble. Bitch.Whore. you can't have my man. He’s a whore too, a gigolo ho. I’m mad I can man. I am. You suck. I don't care if I rhyme. I don't have the time. I’m not poetic or beautiful. I have no kids. I have no life. I have nothing. Are you feeling better, I’m sure not. It’s cold and it snowed and I hurt my arm. I didn't want to talk but you wouldn't stop. Are you happy now? Feel almighty. Oh it's not appropriate and I get jealous easily. Well I guess so, if you only know what I know, there'd be a reason to care. I didn't want to share. Cant' you just go away, make every opportunity to stay. He told you that shit and still all you want to do is get your hands on him. I thought you were married but now it’s not true just with some guy. I am too. So leave mine alone, you get no bone. I'm so sad today, I don't want to stay, I hate that it's this way. And it's always my fault; I should have left it in the vault. WHore. Oh and good luck with making it work. We’ve been working longer then you, you know nothing. NOTHING. You don't even know him. I use to be his good friend too, now I’m his girlfriend which is no one to you. I know him; I almost can hear his thoughts, the sound of his heart beating. I stuck threw the cops. And you've known him so long then why don't you exsist? Why can't he tell me even a little bit?? There’s nothing to hide when it's out in the open. My feelings are hurt and I feel like I’ve been choken. Oh and I’m suppose to feel sorry because you're stuck in the house, it’s your own fault. I'm stuck in mine too, but that never seems to count. It’s not my man who should come to you. Leave me alone, don't you get it you clone. You make me rhyme I have no time for your fuckin slut- ok its nothing personal just my man and my sanity.

I'm beginning to feel like things are going to go back to the way they were before. I just feel it in my bones. I can tell that my relationship with D is exactly the way it always has been. I think it maybe even worse. I feel like I’m doing all the work when it comes to the relationship and especially the sex part. I know I am. I am beginning to really understand how non attractive the world finds a fatty plumper like me. Even my own boyfriend isn't really attracted to me. I know I turn him on but it's more of what I do to him and the love that I know is there. But love is by far not enough to make anything perfect. I used the web cam to record myself. I was fucking my vibrator. It was just to keep in my own files. I watched it and to see myself totally naked like that, all my rolls. I'm gross. It makes me so depressed. I am totally not sexy. No wonder no one hits on me. I finally got a hold of Rob Y. I was just looking for the Candy. He finally answered his phone. It took him a minute to remember who I was since it's been quite awhile since we last talked. He's in Thompson working. But anyway he was like "did I fuck you??" I was like "no" then he asked " y not" I’m like I guess you never tried. I know that there are people out there who want me. I know that I’ve had my share of guys and it's not like I only get the social rejects. I know that I can get some cuties. Still my boyfriend isn't attracted to me, he never eats me out and it's only on occasion where his fingers will grace my pussy. Even that is only momentarily. I just feel crappie, I don't mind being the sexually dominate partner once in awhile but I can't handle having to be the initiator all the time. I feel unwanted and unattractive. I know couples should be able to communicate this type of stuff, but with D its' too hard. He takes everything as harsh criticism even though I’m not criticizing or putting him down. I just don't get it. I don't know how to win.

I wanna be a man. I just figured it out. IT's so not fair. Just becasue they have a penis. The whole world is directed towards them. I went to AOV (Porn Store) and i'm looking to buy a magazine. I wanted this magazine as a form of empowerment and revenge becasue my bf D has porn mags and i discovered a new issue. This months current addition. And he was watching porn. Ok but that's a different story any way. I'm jelouse and so insucre. Well let's face it i'm a fat bitch...ok but i digress. So the whole thing is totally geared towards guys it's not right. I want to get off too!! but that don't matter. Mostly videos which i wasnt' shopping for but only this little row on this little free standing rack was of pussy eating videos. And their "couples' interest" selection was just random videos wtih no couples appeal. Whatever. I walk into the store and of cours i'm the only girl who walks in. later a staff member who was female came out from the back room. So whatever. It's about guys. Anyway so i'm looking at the mags and the only man pics they had were in gay magazines. So not fair. THey had lesbo mags, which lets face it are really for the guys and they had gay mags which again are only there for guys. So i bought one any way. I like guy on guy and i dig asshole. So i'm a freak of nature. It's all about guys. I hate em.

Ok, I have a problem I Realize this, I don't know what to do. I feel like a shadow of the person I use to be. I feel like I’m sneaking around in my own life, my own home. I have insane jealousy, and it's because I have a problem with everything. I see parts of myself that I have lost some how and resent that bitch for having them. I have a problem because I understand why D would be attracted to that. It's my problem; I just wish he would fix it for me. He does nothing. But it's not like I've never been fucked before. I have people want me, people have had me, and people got shot down by me. But I don't feel it. I know, I can feel it, I can tell D is not happy with our sex life right now either. He wants it different, he wants it mindless, and he wants it quick. Just roll over stick it in. and as long as he kisses you at the end he feels satisfied in thinking that it's making love. Mean while I'm stretching it out, trying to do something different and it's failing too. It's awkward and anticlimactic. I miss being single, I miss my "secret single behavior". I'm a negative person. I don't like myself. I wish I was different. I'm disgusted with what I’ve become. I'm a shell of who I was, instead of growing, I've disappointed. I don't know why. I try to change who I am, how I am and for brief periods of time I actually have an optimistic perspective, but something happens, a switch is flipped and all that flies out the window. I'm jealous of who I’m not. I'm envious of what I wish I could be. I doubt my actualization of my dreams; I’m falling short of everything I could have been. And this is the prime. I'm depressed. I want to cry but I’m filled up with too much anger. Whose fault is this?? I can only take responsibility. No body else even knows. I’m the defendant the judge the jury. I want to scream. I want to retreat. I want to be a hermit. I want to die. I want to scream. I want to wake up

. I’m so super stressed out…..stress about everything…about money, school, my relationship with D, anxiety about working and living out in Calgary, my family. There just is so much on my mind. I’m so confused. I feel like I have no life, no friends…nothing. Right now school is what I’m worrying most about. I haven’t been doing very well at all. I haven’t told anyone this but I haven’t been going to classes and have actually missed writing 2 exams. If I don’t do well on the finals, there is no way that I could pass. Even if I manage to do well on the finals my marks will plummet a lot. I was doing so well this year. I was getting straight A’s, so much for that. To top it off, today I went to write a final (one of the classes that I missed an exam in) and stupid retarded me, I read the wrong chapter and didn’t know anything!!! I feel like such a moron!! Plus I don’t know how the hell I’m going to handle this relationship with D with me being out there all summer. I so don’t have any idea if he is going to be faithful, and I don’t really trust him. Like he does stupid things when he’s drinks and I just don’t want to get hurt. Then again, he really has been wonderful lately. He is starting to open up a little bit. Like the one time while we were fooling around he said “if this isn’t paradise, I don’t know what is”. The same day he had said to me while we were talking about all the breaking up and getting back together that we have been doing in the last year and he said to me that I “have to face the fact that we are meant to be together and that I am stuck with him.” The other day he was drinking with his roommates and he called me, he was saying how he wanted to come with me to Calgary. When he came over a little later, he was like saying that he wants my soul. Like I know it sounds ultimately cheesy and kind of evil, but like it was the drunken sentiment that got me. I know he loves me, but I don’t know if he is in Love with me. We’ve been having wicked sex lately. Like it’s hot, this for him is a miracle. Like the man seem frigid when it comes to anything other than the usual. He totally loves what we’ve been doing but then that makes me think that he is in it for the sex. I hate being a woman, a woman’s mind and heart is evil because I can’t help but feel conflicted.

I don't know how to tell you how i feel, because i feel like a big indifferent loser. I have been in such a stuper lately. I don't know what's wrong with me. All I want to do is lay down in a cave and hide from the world. I'm so isolated, I feel really alone, but it can't bother me. I won't let it.

Ok, another moment, it’s not so amusing though, (well at least not to me). So The way it goes it some thing like this...... Once upon a time in a land that was so very cold where the building were old and ugly, there lived a princess maiden of 24. She was known threw out the land for her many outstanding qualities: her most excellent choice in friends, winning charm, enormous kindness and most of all her ability to perform mind-blowing orgasmic “relations”. Despite the numerous assets possessed by the gorgeous, talented, and intellectual princess, she was not impenetrable to acts of horrific and malicious cruelty. It seemed in another land, one of fire and brim stone, a devil spawn was plotting to bring forth great humiliation and heart ache to the innocent loving princess. It seems this thirty something ex of her royalty’s company had (under false pretenses) lured the princess in to a horrible predicament where she was trapped under his spell once again. The devil spawn put on a show worthy of the highest performance arts awards. Once he was convinced that the princess was truly under his influence, he called her and made plans with her for the next eve. This brought great joy to the princess. Telling her that he would travel to her castle to spend time with her and would “room” for the night, leaving the following sunrise to work. The Princess was happily looking forward to “the companionship” of the sly and talented devil spawn. Around the stroke of 6:30pm the Dazed princess under the influence of the voices of evil, thought how “wonderfully nice it would be for her to prepare a dinner, a feast of spaghetti and meatballs for her love” (the devil spawn ). Time passed quickly for the princess as she worked hard preparing the dish out of love. Still more time passed as the whole evening disappeared and the darkness of the night quickly covered the land. The devil spawn had ditched the Princess without even a phone call, or any word whatsoever. He is like the scorpion who must always show his true nature and sting you to DEATH....or of being an absolute Dick Wad in the case of this devil spawn . This hurtful blow woke the princess out of the spell’s daze and she realized how badly she’d been played once again, in thinking that this devil spawn would ever change or ever really cared. Especially after his wicked cruelty every single time before and at this point it’s getting kind of ridiculous!!! ............the end............. So yeah that’s my story and I’m sticking with it.....D is such a dick....And I’m a total Loser for ever even talking to him again after ever single thing that has happened. I’m such a fuckin fool, and yet after ever single time I swear that he is so history and yet here I am yet again...it’s like deja vo.....It’s like deja vo all over again. Anyway I’m outtie here for now.......

Well let's see what has been happening in my life?? I guess nothing really. I'm eagerly waiting to go on "reading break" AKA spring break from university. I'm being spoiled this year because my mom is taking me to the Caribbean. It's just going to be her and me. I'm so apprehensive about going. I'm scared of all the potential problems that could come up in a foreign country. But on the flip side I’m so excited about it too. I can't wait to be on the beach in the sun, sipping on margarita’s or whatever the case may be. I'm flying out to Calgary on Feb. 9 it's a Wednesday. I can't wait. I've called MM and Mike both yesterday and told them that I will be there for a day or two before departing for the Caribbean so that we can get together. Mike as usual is so focused on Sex. It's pathetic and ridicules but boy does it sure help the self esteem. He wants me; He thinks I’m super hot....What could be the problem. Hmmmmm. Well I’m not even going to go there. So anyway I’m still going to make a small effort to go and see him, meet him downtown or something after work. I'm really excited to go see MM. I'm really missing having a good friend around. I don't socialize very much anymore. MM is a true blue friend. She doesn’t' care about stupid stuff and actually appreciates what friendship is all about. Although it's no secret that she can easily get on my nerves abut that is the price you pay to have a friend. I’m sure I piss her off all the time since I just do what ever I want when I feel strongly about something. Anyway this is all really boring shit not really worth talking about. I’m just taking a short break away from studying. But anyway I should be back at it now. I WANT TO THANK EVERYONE WHO READS MY STUFF AND LEAVES COMMENTS AND ADVICE WHEN I'M EXPRESSING MY CONFUSION AND DELEMAS. THANKS PEEPS!!!!!

nothing new has happened. Second term has started in full force. Wish me luck

So, This is the scoop... Damian dumped me whatever...it's a bit lonely but I will survive. Have heard nothing from him and don't really expect to or want to. By now Mike has been released, I never wrote to him, so that's it I guess. He's just gone now. I'm not sure how I feel about that. I thought that maybe he would try harder to get me again. Silly me to think that he would put any effort in to it. For a short while there I was really wishing that I had written to him that way I could see him and I know he would make me feel sexy and good about my self. But I know it was for selfish reasons. Plus like really I don't want to get into that position with him again. I don't want any guys who I’ve already had because I already know what I’m going to get out of it. We are both hurt each other anyway so there is no way that we could ever move past that. I know mike will never give up his delusion of my infidelity. Then anyway this past Sunday early early in the morning, I decided to take it upon my self to find someone to get off with. I was under some impression that being with someone would help me feel less lonely (and of course less sexually frustrated). I went on the phone chat line, got a guy to come over. He told me his name was tom. This of course is purely fabricated. I know, don't ask me to explain. Anyway So Tom comes over hear and won't stop about going back to his place. Now he tells me that this isn't really his place that he is just house sitting for one of his parents friends. This house was nice. I'm telling you....like the tv...was 50 inch plasma flat screen. The couches were leather and their car was sweet. So as you can tell I caved to his wishes and went over there with him. So we watch tv for a while then start making out. He leads me to the bedroom where the petting continues. He has no condom, so there is no sex just petting and kissing. He was fingering me and I was jerking him off. Anyway then I guess he was starting to get raw or whatever so he gets up to get some lube or whatever. Now keep in mind its dark out and we're in a bedroom no lights. So he comes back with this bottle and I start generously applying the lube to the tender member. It is good and creamy at first but then starts getting really foamy and it's making this crinkle noise like a plastic grocery bag makes. I ask him what's with the noise. He is clueless. So The morning continues and the sun eventually starts to rise, we are still hours later in the bed room still pretty hot and heavy. By this point I’ve came a couple of time. So ya it's light out and the bedroom is bright and I can actually see the bottle of "lube" that I have been and continue to apply to his cock. But I read the label to see what it was......guess......it's body wash...soap...oh my god. Whatever I figure by now it don't matter and obviously this isn't a new bottle...so Tom must of know exactly what and where he was grabbing the lube from. Weirdo. But whatever. I wasn't worried since it wasn't on me and I was never penetrate and simply outright refused to provide oral sex. So ya. Eventually tom comes. It was fun to watch...any way his jizzz flies up and lands on my chin...no big deal right....We clean up, I get dressed and decide to sleep for a while... One hour later the alarm goes off and he decides he is going to drive me home. So as we are driving home I notice that my chin feels weird kind of numb. Weird. I don't think too much of it. By the time I get home it's now 11am Sunday morning. I stay up till 2pm. This whole time my chin is crazy bugging me. The numb feeling has changed into the feeling you get when a pimple is ready to explode. I look at my chin and there is this red big bump...like a mosquito bite but only way bigger...like toonie size. Anyway I put some lotion on it and hope it will go away. I have no idea where it has come from or why. I wake up later and this thing on my chin is huge and inflamed red. I start freaking out. Like the only thing that I can think of is either his cum (which flew at my chin) has done this to me...or....that there was something weird on the towel I wiped the cum off with. I try not to panic. I call JS, she talks with me and tries to lightly reassure me that it's nothing. So now it's SUNDAY evening and I’m totally tripping out because now I’m feeling dirty and disgusted. I think it might be an STD. at this point the fact the guy gave me my O was nothing. Dirty bastard. I start using some ointment stuff and hope for the best. By Monday the big mosquito bite is gone, it oozed some stuff like pimple juice or whatever and now my skin is peeling. ewww. So today I finally go to the doctor after spending time looking at pictures of STD's on the internet....(which was absolutely gross and so not like what I had) but I was freaked by the pictures and the facts about transmission. So I go see the doc and he tells me that it is a common mild skin irritation rash, and that although he can not specifically name the cause of the irritation it was most likely some lotion. So I'm so relieved. Plus I didn't give the doc the full story about what happened with the lube at all. So it must of been the body wash lube mix with the cum from his penis...... Let this be a lesson to you and more importantly to me.......Be more careful, don't use body wash as lube unless your' in the shower with water...and be careful.... Just imagine how this situation could of been worse. I could of caved in to desire and fucked tom without a condom but I’m so glad I didn’t'. it wasn't like he pressured me to after I said no condom...no penetration. but ya. So I’m happy now, I got some antibiotic cream and everything will be alright. I'm leaving for Calgary on Thursday and tomorrow I have all 3 of my exams. Wish me luck....

Nothing much has happened...Supposedly the stalker left to go to BC last night (hitch hiking) But who knows what really happened with that guy...pathological liar. He called wanting me to come over last night. I told him I would call him back and I never did. I didn't do anything this whole weekend....or week for that matter. Yesterday I could of gone to the Santa Parade of Lights, but I didn't feel like it. I asked PW if he wanted to go with me and he said that I could meet him there, in this obnoxious stubborn annoying tone. So I figured "Screw him". EP offered to let me come with them, but I just said screw the whole thing. I went to see 420 and the evening was just typical...movie watching. Today I woke up at 2. Was suppose to go see PW, we made plans or whatever. But I didn't call him and he never called me. And ya so now I remember why I didn't pursue him last time. He's so disinterested, and he is like totally boring pessimistic type. Totally too self involved. But ya so whatever. Figure I’ll let that one slip in to oblivion anyway since he can't do nothing for me. I played 007 computer game all day from 2pm to 2am. which is what time it is now. I rock. Anyway just wanted to see if anyone left me any comments but alas no one did. No one ever does. Too much reading to get to the end. He he.

So, Life is kind of empty right now. I don't do anything because there isn't really much to do and definitely no one to do it with. I rented movies yesterday and bought some vegetables and dip to munch on. Wow what a life. I don't know if I’m depressed or not, I don't really feel sad, I just feel empty. I think of him and I want to cry. I was foolishly in love with the cock sucker. So my attempt to distract myself with PW isn't working very well. I asked him if he wanted to come to the Santa Clause Parade with me, he said he was already going and that I could meet him there. Like the way he said it was so rude, like if I have to tag along I could meet him there. Whatever, what a waste of time. The stranger that I did ©) never called me afterwards. I really thought that he would of because he purposely asked for my number, asked if he could come over the next night. And it wasn’t' like I was implying that I wanted to pursue him or a relationship. NO big loss since I never expected anything either, I just don't understand why would you ask unnecessary questions for no reason?? Doesn't make any sense to me. This is like Day 4 of heartbreak, of the pajama parade. I don't think I’ve left my pajamas totally since I was stabbed in the back. Like ya obviously I’ve had to leave the house but I never really got dressed either. I just threw on some comfy clothes and left. Whatever, who cares anyway. I don't. I just was board still, again. whatever. it killed some time. wish me luck and have pity on my soul