I'm beginning to feel like things are going to go back to the way they were before. I just feel it in my bones. I can tell that my relationship with D is exactly the way it always has been. I think it maybe even worse. I feel like I’m doing all the work when it comes to the relationship and especially the sex part. I know I am. I am beginning to really understand how non attractive the world finds a fatty plumper like me. Even my own boyfriend isn't really attracted to me. I know I turn him on but it's more of what I do to him and the love that I know is there. But love is by far not enough to make anything perfect. I used the web cam to record myself. I was fucking my vibrator. It was just to keep in my own files. I watched it and to see myself totally naked like that, all my rolls. I'm gross. It makes me so depressed. I am totally not sexy. No wonder no one hits on me. I finally got a hold of Rob Y. I was just looking for the Candy. He finally answered his phone. It took him a minute to remember who I was since it's been quite awhile since we last talked. He's in Thompson working. But anyway he was like "did I fuck you??" I was like "no" then he asked " y not" I’m like I guess you never tried. I know that there are people out there who want me. I know that I’ve had my share of guys and it's not like I only get the social rejects. I know that I can get some cuties. Still my boyfriend isn't attracted to me, he never eats me out and it's only on occasion where his fingers will grace my pussy. Even that is only momentarily. I just feel crappie, I don't mind being the sexually dominate partner once in awhile but I can't handle having to be the initiator all the time. I feel unwanted and unattractive. I know couples should be able to communicate this type of stuff, but with D its' too hard. He takes everything as harsh criticism even though I’m not criticizing or putting him down. I just don't get it. I don't know how to win.