The only place to hide is out in the open. Where no one notices and no one reads. I find my self in a situation that I have found myself in repeatedly. I am trapped by my own lies and my own lack of action. School is so fucked up. I don't know what to do. I don't know how to make it go away. I can't believe that I will be leaving again to work in a month or so. I don't really want to. I'm scared as to what is going to happen. I don't think d is really all that in to the marriage thing. I really don't think that he really meant to ask. The other day in the tube we were talking, well I was talking. I asked when we are going to buy the engagement ring. He pissed me off with his response. Something along the line of when we can buy it without credit. Then I was like oh so then we are never getting married! He was like not never, we're probably going to lose a few months...like three. Like what the hell does that mean? We probably are never getting married. He's been aloof that last couple of days. I think he is losing interest again. I think that he misses the bacular life. I think he thinks that I nag too much. I’m always telling him not to do stuff. I just wish he would do stuff with out me telling him, and properly. Like the dishes and such. He puts them in the wrong place on purpose. I know he values his own work more then what I do. I almost think that, that is the very reason too why he is so standoffish about the wedding. He is dreading having to have me as a dependant while I’m in school. He only wants to get married when we are moving too. I don't really want to move anytime soon. I can't afford to go to school anywhere but here. Plus since I've meet V I can't believe that he thought that she was a "real cool lady". She's a dumb loud mouth bitch. Plus like please the girl can’t' even hold her drugs and liquor. Like ok, if you wanna party, by all means do what you want but please only party as hard as you can handle it. I'm desperately jealous of other peoples' talents. I feel somewhat talentless. I use to have some ability to write elegantly but now I find myself somewhat choppy and with lack of emotion. I don't know how to convey my feelings anymore. It's like in my mind it is eloquent, it is the truth of what I feel and it's only expression is profound, but when I try to write it comes out forced and nonsensical. Plus when I do think of stuff to say it's always an inopportune time. I have suspicions. I think that d sometimes reads my diary. I’ve thought that before, I still think so. That’s why the best way to hide is to put it all out there. Out in the world my life is small and insignificant. No one really cares and it's mildly entertaining if you can read past the drag. I feel like if he doesn't want to marry me, on June 22/07, the date which we set then I don't know if I ever want to marry him. And if it's not leading to marriage what's the point anyway. I want life to go as planed. He makes decisions in his head and he doesn't tell me about them. He's not the one who gets to make all the decisions. It's not all about what he decides. And when he does plan things out in his head he forgets to tell me about them. Like going to see his mom and brother this summer, July, quitting his job all those plans, I knew nothing of them till I questioned him about it after hearing him tell his brother about it over the phone. It would have been nice if he told me about it. I was hoping deep down that he wanted to wait till the summer so he could spend time with his mom and ask her for help with the wedding. Then he would come back and say, good news babe..... But that is more like a day dream then a probable reality. Then I was dreaming, that of what he said about the ring and that it was really just because he's got one on layaway and that he is paying it off. Yeah right! More like he's not even thinking about the wedding. He won't ask, He won't save. Nothing. We talked at first about getting the rings before I leave to work. That's just out the window. I should never have really thought that this was going to happen. I should have taken it the way I did with martin. It wasn’t' real then and at least he thought enough to get a ring and flowers. Even though he's a fag and a loser he still knew what was spouse to happen. That's all that happened but he started off right. I didn't care that Damian told me instead of asked me, I just wanted to actually follow threw. Why can't it be the old days where the parents felt obligated and privileged to pay for the whole dame thing? Why should I save? I don't want to have to pay for the whole fucking thing. If it's ever going to happen I would have to find the money. Ba fucking hum bug. I'm flunking out of school so he won't want to marry me any more any way. he'll bitch and then try to send me off to work at mcdicks or tim hortons. I’m not doing that. He says I’m pressuring him. What the fuck does he think he's creating for me when he is acting like this? He's the one who said he wasn't going to make me look like a fool but that his exactly the pressure he is putting on me, I told people they expect things to happen. And they will think the same shit about me as they always do. I’m all talk. I never actually materialize anything. I’m not a doctor. My own bf doesn’t' have any faith I don't at this point. It’s another day dream. Whatever. I started off satisfied from my nasty finger and now I’m left bitter and resentful. Oh that what else he said after about the rings and when we can afford them without credit, he was like otherwise I’ll end up resenting them. He’s going o resent them anyway. He isn't even attracted to me. He just wants a nurturer. And one thing is that I’m a care taker.