I'm so super depressed today and actually wish that i had the guts to kill myself..but since i don't i guess i'll just suffer threw this. The wedding was goood LR opps I guess she's now LP, I got really loaded and then after went to the Palomino club and meet K and J there. They left shortly after but i stayed. I got even more drunk. I got Dad to come get me becasue i was too fucked to walk home. After I started playing around on the grapevine and got some dude to come over. I fucked him. I don't even remember the name he gave me. Which i would doubt is his real name. The minut after we were finished he left..and i do mean the minut after. But the dude couldn't keep it up. Which is very insulting but he insisted it was becasue he was loaded. But it worked out alright because he was limp i got to get all the pleasure. DK called as usual the next morning to see if he could catch me with a guy or something. I dind't answer the phone. Too hung over all i wanted to do was sleep. Then DK came over and I just ignored the door. I knew it was him becasue of the signiture knock. He came over again later on and called again. Finally leaveing a message and he was all insulted that i was ignoring him. Whatever. I called him yesterday and said that i was out in the country at the brides' parents house or whatever. Any way DK came over yesterday after work. He spent the night. As soon as he got here he wanted to drink all the coolers and the last couple of shots of rum that i had in the frige from T's 18th. So the alcholic got a buzz on and we stayed up till like 3. Then climbed into bed and of course did it. It was actually reall hot. He was biting me pretty hard and at the time it felt good but today my neck is sore and looks really mangeled. I'm pissed off he marked me all up like fuck. He's trying to mark his territory or somthing but yet he won't commit. Then for pillow talk i asked him why he doesn't want to commit to me and he went on some speel about not being able to care for himself properly and not wanting to live in anyone else place and about how he's not the same person he was before and whatever happens happens. What a load of bullshit. Like i'm not asking him to move back in or nothing. i'm sick of it. i don't want a relationship like this. This is bullshit. I'm so fed up and it's making me sad becasue no one wants me and Dk is just usuing me and he won't even call me his girlfriend or say that he loves me when we both know that he does. i'm still fucking up school and havnent' gone at all in aug. I missed the midterm and if i don't get a doc's note tomorrow then i'm really fuck with no hope in hell. DK even said something about me not going to school. Like how the hell would he know?? it's true but he don't know that it's a fact. Bastard. No faith. No one has any faith. Plus i'm trying to organize this stupid party for dad's 50th and it's just not cool anymore. KC was spose to be helping and she's not doing shit. She even made me feel like less then nothing the last time i was at her work to conspire with her. and grandma is mean. i invite her and she bitches that i'm asking eveyone to go dutch. Like how the hell am i spose to pay for everyone?? what the hell. Now she's saying that no one was interested in going in the first place and that she 's not sure if she's going to go she needs to talk to uncle(s) before she can decide. I'm sad. i hate myself. I wish i were dead. i really do i hate the way things are they way i am. i can't seem to do anything. I let everyone walk all over me and i end up sitting here at home all alone, all the time. its' not fun. My sis isn't moving her anymore becasue she broke up with SM and becasue of custody can't leave alberta with my nephew. She couldn't even tell me herself tafter all the stuff i was doing and arranting for her. Mom told me and when i said i wnated her to phone she purposely didn't call. Like she was all i want us to be close and yet she treats me like shit. No one even cares about me. No one. Sure if i were dead and there was a funeral peopel would be there and crying and saying what a shame a dam shame. what a waste and all the shit but reall life would go on. becasue no one really cares. I can already see it. K, i'm going to go i thougnht writting would help me feel better but it's not helping i'm actually feeling a bit worse. I wish i wansn't a chicken shit......