Just got home from writing my exam. I don't think I did as good as the other one. I am really nervous about it. It's horrible. Today I woke up late and just barely managed to make it to the exam on time. so the major update in my life is that D is back. I'm sleeping with him. And he has been very clear in his intentions. He wants to move back in and he wants us to be a couple like we were before. It all started when I ran into him on the street. I nodded or whatever to acknowledge him. Then the next day HE called and tried to come back. I avoided him. (Secret Agent Woman. Eventually, the only thing that could be done was actually talking to him since avoidance wasn't detouring him at all. So long story short, he said his intentions, we've been sleeping together ever since. I know, I sound like it just happens but it's just being felt. I am a sucker. Maybe a fool in love? I told him though that we can work towards that but we can't just move back in together. But OF COURSE no sooner do I say that, I start to think and feel like I want him to move back in. There are lots of reasons. One big one is money and convenient. That sounds so cold. It's more complicated then that, I swear. Of course I don't know what to do, or if I trust myself or him. Which in itself makes me see RED FLAGS!@ Then again, I missed him with all my heart last night. I wished so much that he would of came over. I wanted him to. What does that say?? I tried to use what I’ve been studying in psychology to interpret what I feel, say, think and do, but it seams hopeless. There are so many theories that have substantial contributions but they all say different things. it's everything and nothing. How the hell is that suppose to help me or anyone for that matter. But anyway off the topic. What am I going to do. I'm really poor right now. I have only enough money to pay the bills for December and nothing else. I mean nothing else. No fun, no food, and most desperately need no money for Christmas presents. Plus I’m scared that if I don't say something right now to D that he will not be able to move out as conveniently or want to as badly. Like what the hell?? Do I love him?? Do I want to spend the rest of my life with him? I know what he's like, I know him. Sometimes it frustrates the hell out of me. IS that what love is, the ability to look past the annoying tenancies of the one you love?? Well I don't know anymore. I think and hope that he comes over tonight and that I am in the same state of mind, so I can express some of these things and maybe work them out a bit more in concrete details and agreements of living expenses and conditions. Plus...OK get this.... Now D has Brighteyes the cat, the huge 70 gallon fish tank and fish but he has a Rat and a King Snake (which will grow to be over 6 ft.) In addition he has a couch a big sectional and whatever else. There is definitely not enough room for this stuff. What about my stuff?? I want to talk to him. I wish he could call me right now or something. I hope he comes. Why do I feel so desperate for him ??