Okay so things are starting to get crazy for me. I swear that life is crazy. I've been writting to mike like crazy and it's like this crazy ass addiction. I can't stop, I've sent 3 envelopes to the one he's sent. I'm acting Crazy again, but it's wierd now because now I understand the whole seriousness of the issue. And it scares me even more. Becasue I know I'll probably never go threw with what I tell him, and If I did then I don't really think that it could be sucessful. I keep talking to him about marriying me, like crazy train. I'm acting like we never stoped talking, I've really changed since then and I can't help but fall into my old behaviours. I dont' know if this makes any sence. Like my mind is racing. And plus you know how I'm now alone alot more I really find myself wanting to be with him because who else could I be with right now? He's good when you have no one because he' so unavailable and easy to deal with. BUt he's fucked, I'm so scared that he's just fucked for life. In away I guess he already is and he knows it to and that just led to him being fucked all the tme. I dont' know if he can ignore that. And what life is he going to come back too anyway. He thinks by not comming to the peg that he will be able to escape his troubles, but it's totally not that easy, it may even be harder since it's a bigger happening city. It really won't be as easy as it sounds. Like and what about me even thinking this stuff. Like I am sick about the fact that I'm even so ignorant to assume the worst will happen. But I dont' know he's untrustworthy ...no wait unreliable I mean. I don't know. I have nothing going right now, what harm can it really do just to talk to him, play around feel confident that i'm not alone entirely. It will work itself out eventually one way or another. I missed school today because I was just too dam lazy to get out of bed. It was horrible. I even lied to JS about it. I was so embarressed, really. Like I dont' know what is wrong with me. I'm so stuck in a rut right now. I realize how badly I've been living and it's hard to straighten up and get everything set right. I need to lose wait like big time, I had gained in the last 2 years over 70 pounds. That is huge. I didn't really see it till I really looked and it's disgusting. like i've always been big but i'm getting too big. I don't mind not being a pencil if i still looked alright but now I think I look like shit. JD's acting like a bitch. she is so brainwashed by her mom and NB. One minut she likes me the next she ignores me. I don't know maybe I acted that way when I had a boyfriend too. I don't know. It's really hard to try to get use to being on your own. Like when MF left i was devestated and once I got over it I was happy being alone. But with D, it's like the devestation was over when he pulled his moving stunt and whatever but I'm not happy being single yet. I feel a little sorry for myself because I'm not the way I was before. It's a lot more stressful now, I mean everything in life is more complicated. A danger of getting older I think. and It's really difficult, I'm so use to having someone to help out and be there. I don't want to be crippled by this anylonger but it takes time. i dont' knw i've said what I need to say and it thankfully wasnt' a letter to mike which is so good. Oh my god I took some pictures as per Mikes request but i haven't mailed them. I'm so worried and extreamly self concious about them. but they are sealed ina stamped envelope. I dont' know if i should send them. Ahhh. I'm going to wait. I can't be all swept up in imaginary relationships and unreliable people. Like is Lynn reallly so far out of the picture??