Hey there, i tried to put an entry in yesterday but of course it disappeared into thin air, that always happens everytime i try to write and talk on msn at the same time. I'm going to be smarter about it this time, since it's so frustrating to pour your heart and head out to find it didn't matter. But yeah. So today has been pretty dull so far, kk called to invite me to her birthday party on the 14th at the Rum Jungle, which is pretty good but at the same time i can't really afford to go out but i really really want to. So whatever. I also finished the student advocacy letter that i had to write to appeal my vw and get an convertion to aw's. So i feel somewhat accomplished. Things will hopefully go well from here and they will make the right dicision. I'm going to go to the howard johnson today to go kareoking with t and her friends, i feel nervious to meet her. I'm a little aprihensieve that all her friends will be really young and immature since there is a difference in age between us. T is find donsnt' seem immature or anyting so hopefully everything will be fun and smooth. My mike is calling, my love. But i've had some revelations lately about how rediculas it is to think and hold out to be with him. Like i know it'll never work and the only reason i love him so much is becasue i will never be able to have him. I have never gotten any closer per say and it's that which keeps me going after him. But i realize that i don't want him really, just the thought of him the dream of all that could be and never will be. I still love him but it's jsut not realistic. It never was and i know that, i've never gave in to his pressure of having sex and it's because i know it will never happen. I want a family and a perfect life and i know that it will never materialize for us. it's not that i doubt his sincerity to change his life and get thoes things but i just know inside that it will never happen. But still i love him. I guess this is my infatuation. BJ the stalker called me twice yesterday. i didn't answer either call. the first was at 7am then at like 7pm, he left a message that said "what now i'm not good enough to talk to, not good enough to call back...what the hell is going on..(then in a reallly sweet bullshit voice) okay well call me" Like please get a grip...it's been over a week since the last time i talked to him and that was when he had his wife (seperated) over at his house. He claims nothing happened but whatever. I don't belive that and anyway he's a stalker and i don't see anyting ever comming from us being together. like how many times do i have to tell him to get lost before he realizes. There is no future, plus i'm not going to see some guy who is married still. like get a divorce man. I guess i was leading him on a bit because he knew how to press my buttons and wear me down and i tried to give it an honest try but really it isn't working. he is bringing out the worst in me. i'm not normally a super bitch but he makes me that way everytime i'm in contact with him. So it's just got to stop. Everyone who knows me and knows what's going on thinks he's a loser and done't understand why i even kept him around this long. But that's it. and iknow i've said that before but i will not talk to him again. A isn't talking to me, i ditched him last friday and i didn't think it would be a big deal but i guess it is because i'm getting the silent treatment. He won't return my calls won't msn with me even when he is on line, nothing. now he's in vagas on vacation. it just pisses me off that he is pulling the silent treatment like he has ditched me before and whatever. I guess i'm not so choked over the possibility of losing a friend because he isn't really a long or dear friend but none the less i enjoyed our conversation and the couple of times we hung out together. With of course the exception of the time i made out with him while i was in a drunkin state. And that is nothing to do with the type of person he is but more to do wtih the fact he isn't attractive in any way to me and his physic is actually repulsive. i was just despreate drunk and lonely. EP is getting annoying again, she keeps asking to use the puter and her kids to use the puter and whatever, it just gets to be a bit much but i guess i will just have to put up with it. she does stuff for me too and she is really nice. i just hate the way she thinks that she is my mom or something because she isn't and never will be. She is sheltered from the workings of the world and my lifestyle is far different from hers. she's fine for a casual friend and neightbour but that's as far as it goes. Plus i'm an adult, and its not like i just turned 18, i'm going to be 24 at the end of the month. i've been on my own since i was 16, i don't need parental type people now. i just feel like i need a guy but really i don't. just look at my past relationsips they consist of liars, cheaters, beaters, and married dudes. So really i am better off on my own. i survived anyway. i guess it's just part of the human condition, part of our nature to want to have some one to love and feel love from in return. Otherwise love songs wouldn't be as popular on the billboards. but yeah. Anyway i guess that's all i've been thinking about now. i'm going to veg for a while and then get ready for tonight and then get my call from my mikey. I'll talk to you later. chow baby