The shit is going to hit the fan...that's how i feel. Like every second of every minute i can feel this looming disaster over head. What can you do when you know it's comming for you. It's almost like an eddie...thoes swirling whirlpools of water. Now i am caught in it's motion and am unable to break free. With each passing second, each circular whirl i am being pulled further in, deeper, beyond the point of return. What can i do? I make things worse. Like struggleing in quick sand, the fight drawing me down faster and faster. But the panic is overwhelming and i can not control this primal behaviour. The Party tomorrow..well today when i wake up...I am so so worried. I feel like a fool. I feel so traped. Plus it feels like it has arrived so fast. What if it's dull stupid and boaring and we're all stuck there on the boat for 3 hours...with no escape. And the curse..DK in his drunkin passion of the week he marked me with his love bites...yeah i said it HICKIES... And I don't want to hear comments on how inmature that is...and questions like are you 14?? I don't know in the mist of passion even old geezers like 32 DK act like horrimone raggin teenagers.. But the dilema comes in...My grandmother tomorrow at the party will undoubtly see them, i don't think no matter how much foundation and cover up i use will these be unnoticable to her blatent tackless observational damming comments. What shall become...all shall be revealed soon enough i guess. DK was over today, he did me a favour but I didn't want him to stay for awhile. I even just wanted to run down there but he insisted that he come here. When he arrived like an hour later he brung in hand a bag of white cheader popcorn and a bottle of coke plus a DVD of that Garfeild movie. He made an evening. Which of course wasnt' what i was planning what so ever. But i couldn't do anything or say anything about nothing. I couldn't tell him that i wanted to be alone, that i had made plans for myself and was going to attemp to try to do sometihing meaningfull and benificial to survival. And i surely couldn't tell him about the deciions and decussions that i have decided to rain down. How could i say that hey i love you but i reject you because you can't be what your not. It was sweet in all reality, a poor man's date. A old married couples RnR together after the hardships of an almost finished busy week. But i still wanted to scream. WHy?? because of his opposing presumptions and his spontinaety was predictible in a tragic oxymoron type of way. No communication. That's what we lack. But i can't even nag or say anything becasue i'm not his girlfriend and i don't want any confirtaion. plus what do i want i love him after all. Is it worth the time. will it all be right in the end or am i just wasting my time. like i've already been down this road before. We were together for like two years. I feel like it's jsut going to be the same after all at the root of it and the very core and molecular essance we are the same exact people and neither of us has changed so why would things be any different. Why what could possibley make them any differnt. Nothing. Cant' teach an old dog new tricks after all. Enough, i already know all this..like who am i trying to convince anyway. it doesn't matter. I need to go to school tomorrow, i need to take care of some of that stuff but i don't think that it will happen. it's already 3 am and i don't feel tierd at all. i'm in a distructive pattern. and like every other casualty this twister isn't going to change paths and everything in it's path will be distroyed. Swirling again...around and around....money is evil...it's a huge problem too..i screwed up and money is th only thing i really need. and it will never happen. i fooled everyone you see. i wear this mask and they all see me as the good one...annoying at times but none the less still the one who does the right honest fair and just thing. But under my mask i haven't told them the paths i've chosen. i've made so many mistakes and still they see this light in me but all i see is this neverending bottomless tunnel where i am falling forever in agony....but now maybe i will hit the bottom and they will all see. I will be brutally sprawled out before them...the light will be extinguished and the shadows will reveal the truth...what is beneith the makeup. I can paint on the face to help inpersonate the feelings but they are fake and nothing can cover the truth..it will creap in ..the shadows do follow you after all. My brain is stupid...what is the cause. i dont' know. defective merchandise. Rejected. i'll give it some time and i'm dreaming of effort..so hopefully it will begin to materialize..i must fake it at the very least...if i can fool myself then it won't matter anymore.... like the clown who smiles on the outside and cries tears of everylasting deep pain.