So I helped J & N move. James was there, he huged me. I was acting so desprite, I feel like a fool, and i'm sure he knew that I was trying to get Janey to pimp me out. Mike called today, I can't belive that after the visit that I had with him. Like I spent all that money to go out to edmonton to visit him in the penn and he was such a jerk asking me to smuggle drugs and crap (as if ) Plus just the way he was being in general. Tottally sucked. But he called and I was too busy moving to even know. He was spose to call yesterday and he didn't. But he called to day. EP said she told him to call back but I dont' know if he will. Maybe. I am so ashamed of what I did on thursday, I swear I"m never telling anyone what I did. I hate that I was such an idiot. I don't ever want to talk to Adam again. It really totally grossed me out. Beyond belief. I want James to fuck me. I know that is evil, but when you are use to getting it on a regular basis and then that's it, you really wish that you had someone to fuck. Totally. But I feel like i am acting despirate out of lack of companionship. Mike was right, I'm not anywhere near where I was before, my head is all jumbled. It has been a long time, and i'm not sure if i'm really that same person or it it's just something i'm going threw mending my self after d. Maybe it was worse then I thought. Maybe it's jsut me. Anyway, I dont' really know and i'm not getting my self into any more trouble. So i'm just going to chill, sleep, try to smarten up becuase i really have been blowing things up lately. I am being so selfdestructive. So I ask , what now????