it's been awhile. A few things have been happening. BJ is long gone, I heard he came by here while i was in calgary visiting my mom and sister. So when i came back i went over to his place and banged on the window and there was some chick there but he wasn't. I thought forsure since he was my stalker that he would of stopped by at some point. I even thought at one point that she was just another midway whore since the midway was in town, but it's come and gone and he still hasn't stopped by and it's been a couple of weeks so i'm pretty sure that he is not comming back. She must be his new girl friend. I'm not heartbroken or anything. and in all actuallity it's should be some kind of relief and release but it doesn't seem to be happening the normal way. With me nothing is normal. I think i might be suffering from that stalkholm syndrom or whatever. Becasue i miss my stalker. In addition to BJ being gone from my life it seems like R has dropped off the face of the planet too. A&J told me that R was in jail because he got busted for an O or something but i don't really know. I left a couple of messages for him but never heard back then i tried again this past week and his phone has been disconnected. So I have no clue what that means. So because of that i made a mistake by calling DK to take R place. Of course DK wanted to do more then R ever did. DK is my ex, we broke up in Dec. becasue he was a freak. But yeah i still missed him, which i think was amplified by my string of unsavioury men that i've unfortunatly met. DK seemed so much more normal than anything else i've found. Anyway he's been doing R job and then spending the night most times. We fuck and so far more then half of the sex is better then it was before. It feel much more emotional then it ever has before. Of course nothing has really changed. He hasn't changed and isn't making any effort to foster a relationship any different then it was before which wasn't that good. He doenst' bring up anything about the current situation and i know that he loves me, well he cares super tons for me that's undenyable. So i tried to make him talk about shit in my own pillow talk zoned out way and he sorta got it. He said something to the effect of why do we have to define it...Well maybe becasue i don't want to get sloopy seconds from some fuckin slutty whore who just happens to be the flavor of the drunken night. But i dont' want to commit either. I wnat to be able to be a free agent but i don't want him to be. I think i should just give it all up. it isn't worth my time since i already know that this isn't the life that i want. I don't want to have to do everything just becasue i'm the woman and the bread winnner. He doesn't talk at all and i'm tierd of haveing to tell everything and get nothing in return. Still i don't know what to do about R's job. I don't know anyone else really. A&J where helping me out for awhile but the people they refer me to are shitty and it isn't worth the effort we have to go threw everytime.Still that's no reason to be associated wtih DK. I don't know what to do but i definatly have to do something. All the old emotions are stirring and i hate seeing him leave to go back home. Plus he is helping himself to everything still even though he really has no right to. He's trying to pass off being a guest when there is no way that he is. He's an ex he lived here with me and whatever. So T turned 18 this past monday, i went to this house party she was having with her friends. Her boyfriend isn't attractive, he actually looks kinda creepy and he's like way older than her. Ofcouse i would never say anyting directly to her about it becasue i've been with guys like that, it's just hard to watch someone else go threw what you've already expeirenced and not want to tell them what to do. I just have to sit back and let her find out for herself besides it's more fun that way isn't it. Anyway her party was alright although it wasn't any big tado or anyting, just a handfull of people. I made out with like 6 people the youngest being 17 I didn't sleep with any of them. Like 3 of them where chicks and 3 were guys. The one guy Ray was trying to be such a player but he wasn't. He was hitting on me totally and then i saw him kissing and feeling up T in the bathroom upstairs. T freaked out when she finally got busted becasue she was super drunk and probably didn't even realize what she was doing. Plus it was her bf who busted her so i guess she felt bad. Nothing major came of it other then normal feelings of alchol induced regret and crying. She's still with her man. Plus as if he could say anytihng about it since he was kissing thoes chicks that i was kissing and he had the one with the big tits sitting on his lap with his head in her cleavage. I don't think anything that went on there was too tramitizing and fine, everyone just acts stupid when they are drunk and you can't really hold thier behaviour against them. I know being drunk is no excuse for anything but still you cant' take it literally or too seriously either. It was hot making out with thoes chicks. I am so very curious now, but i can't even find a man never mind trying to find a woman too. As if. I'm just going to have fun and the right guy-person will come along. LR's wedding is really soon plus her bachorlette party is next saturday, so i'm definaltly looking forward to that, we are goign to start at earls on main and then head over to the empire. should be fun. i'm hopping i can hook up with a dude at the empire but i'm not going to hold my breath. I just wish i was more attractive to men. I need to lose weight. I have to work out more and actualy keep it up this time. I know that all guys want is some hot chick. well maybe not all they want but it is the first and only thing that they see to make them find out if you posses more. if you don't even have the looks why would they loook any farther. I know they don't i live it. I know i'm not ugly but i am fat and really fat not just overwieght and it really hinders my abbiltities to find a good guy. it's like half the pool is already scared away. Any way i'm don't know what i'm going to do. i have to find some peace with this whole fucking DK thing and as well a way to recope school i missed all of last week with exception of the monday first term test which i did go and write. I wonder if i'll be able to fix myself yet again. why does it seem like i'm always broken and fixing myself. i know i'm a surviver i have no other choice but to do so but why do i have to be so dysfunctional. Chow baby