So Yeah I don't know what was said last.....but I know what needs to be said now. I NEED to do something, and it would be a lot easier if I could just forget all about it and just do what I’m doing. I've already thought about surrendering to my impulses. I called D yesterday, whom ever answered that phone was fucked up. Just the way they were acting and asking if it was me and if I wanted to get D woken up to come to the phone. It was fucked. Still no word from him.......7 Days today...Bastard... That's it, there's no good excuse or reason. There's nothing. It's too late. I've been played. I really have been. There's no other explanation. I'm a fool. And he's a bastard for playing the fool. It hurts and I’m going to explode. I swear I just want to yell and scream but I don't know what to say, it's like it doesn’t matter anymore what I try to say. It's done with, I know he will just turn it into what ever he wants to in his distorted little mind. Same with Mike. See IN BOTH Cases if I cave now, I really cave FOREVER. I don't want to just lay down and dye because it feels comfortable and warm. Like I might as well be on the Jerry Springer show. I'm that big of a LOSER if I cave. No Way Man. NO....NO...NO Way So, what I don't get is that I feel good like this last week and even right now. It's the best I’ve felt for such a long time. Even with this Drama, I feel happy inside. Schools' going well right now and I’m doing pretty good.. I don't feel lonely and actually feel pretty sociable just don't have any cash to back up the feeling, and even that isn’t distressing me as mush as I would of expected. I still want to YELL at those guys. What Bastards. Mind game playing anti-social, ward of the state, Bastards!!!!! I swear!! I’m doing alright with JD like I don't even want to talk to the bitch I’m mad that she didn't cave. Like I stand up for myself for ONCE in my life, and She can't even pick up the phone. Bastard-Bitch. Like what the hell, thought she was my best friend. (Just like what happened with LF). Easy come easy go. I don't even miss ‘em. I just thought that I meant more to them then that. Than Nothing. Guess not. See, I think I mean so much to all these people. These Boys and Friends, I love them and I do so much. I really do, I consciously try to accommodate them as much as possible because I love them. Really, It's distorted. They don't even think of me any more then shit....They are bastards. So Now I want to just cut them lose and move on to something new. It's the prime time to do it, I feel good, I’m not missing them and my mind is in the right place. I say so much thou, how much will I actually do? On Saturday I could have slept with 2 guys. Two guys I know, (P and BJ the stalker), they were both trying mega hard to flirt and hinting for me to come over and do it. So Obvious. I guess I just feel confident right now. Which doesn't make it any less true. Anyway I don't care. I just been sitting here smoking, soaking, and this. I thought about how much I wish I could just scream out BASTARDS, WHY ARE YOU DOING THIS TO ME????