Ok, I have a problem I Realize this, I don't know what to do. I feel like a shadow of the person I use to be. I feel like I’m sneaking around in my own life, my own home. I have insane jealousy, and it's because I have a problem with everything. I see parts of myself that I have lost some how and resent that bitch for having them. I have a problem because I understand why D would be attracted to that. It's my problem; I just wish he would fix it for me. He does nothing. But it's not like I've never been fucked before. I have people want me, people have had me, and people got shot down by me. But I don't feel it. I know, I can feel it, I can tell D is not happy with our sex life right now either. He wants it different, he wants it mindless, and he wants it quick. Just roll over stick it in. and as long as he kisses you at the end he feels satisfied in thinking that it's making love. Mean while I'm stretching it out, trying to do something different and it's failing too. It's awkward and anticlimactic. I miss being single, I miss my "secret single behavior". I'm a negative person. I don't like myself. I wish I was different. I'm disgusted with what I’ve become. I'm a shell of who I was, instead of growing, I've disappointed. I don't know why. I try to change who I am, how I am and for brief periods of time I actually have an optimistic perspective, but something happens, a switch is flipped and all that flies out the window. I'm jealous of who I’m not. I'm envious of what I wish I could be. I doubt my actualization of my dreams; I’m falling short of everything I could have been. And this is the prime. I'm depressed. I want to cry but I’m filled up with too much anger. Whose fault is this?? I can only take responsibility. No body else even knows. I’m the defendant the judge the jury. I want to scream. I want to retreat. I want to be a hermit. I want to die. I want to scream. I want to wake up