well today i woke up and chilled on the comp all day. then at about 5 or so i realize that my mom has drank too much and we have to get to my dads softball game at 6. so i call my dad and tell him we arent coming cuz i dont wanna get in the car with her. she wasnt DRUNK but she cant even have 2 beers without getting a tad tipsy. then he talks to her and she convinces him that shes fine so we go at 6. shes driving like shes drunk so i turned off the radio and told her she didnt need any distractions. she has a FIT. so im already all pissed and then shes like 'HAND ME A CIGARETTE' ok shes not even supposed to be smoking! and i refused so then she pulled over to get another pack...and i grabbed her phone and called my dad. he wouldnt answer so i got all mad and told her if she started driving toward the stadium i would give her one.

then after i give her one shes quiet and then shes like 'GIVE ME MY WATER!' and i told her no because she wasnt driving straight and i was like id like to live until tomorrow!! and then she took my coffee drink that i had made ((that wasnt in a freakin disposable container)) and threw it out the fucking window. i wanted to hit her SOO bad and i was on the side where there were cars so i couldnt throw her bottle out the window. once we got farther she pulled over cuz i wouldnt give her the phone. she pulled over, got out and started banging on the window. the she got in and told me she would 'fight me' and she hit me...then i had a fit and threw the phone at her. she started to pull out and i threw her bottle out the window so the bitch stops the car, pulls out the keys and goes to get it. then we went through this again later for her cigarettes again and i threw them in the backseat and told her to go get them. she told me to get out and that she would leave me...and i almost did but at this point i was crying so hard and i needed to see my dad.

i finally got a hold of my dad and he was like 'get her and take her home...and STAY there.' she was like no ill take HER home and come back and he was telling her no so she just blows him off and goes to the game. i was also screaming that i need my dad. when we got there he was acting all nice to her and then was looking at me and acting like he was mad at her i was like ASS. i was crying and my brother wanted to know what was wrong and i just feel bad because he doesnt get it like me and he thinks my mom just drinks sometimes and gets a little mean. he doesnt see it from my point of view. he doesnt get emotionally, verbally, and PHYSICALLY hurt when she gets drunk. i hate her so much and whatever she may think i DONT forgive her. i havent forgiven her for the last 3 times shes gotten evil when drinking...and i dont think i ever will.

my parents are like no beer anymore...then once they dont drink for like a whole 6 days they are like 'just one case cuz weve done good' and all the fucking shit happend again. and i feel bad because i know my dad likes drinking...but he just drink ya know like 3 a night to relive stress but we cant even fucking have them in the house for HIM or she will drink them and get all evil. it sucks. shes a fucking alcholhic and she needs to fix her problems before i leave. and i keep saying im gonna leave--she doesnt give a shit. and i would already be gone if i had somewhere to go. and that comment--i swear on my LIFE i would leave if my dad wasnt here and my brother. when i get my car im gonna be gone as much as i can. and im gonna take my brother so he doesnt have to deal with this shit.

im NOT abused--just to clear that up. im not beated, and my mom is a VERY good mom and VERY good friend when shes not drinking. this only happens about 2-3 times a month and it sucks because i love her when shes sober--when shes not i dont even claim her as my mother.

im stressed and depressed im going to read.

i dont want to go to school tomorow--thats just gonna make me more depressed. oh and at the stadium i saw my friend catherine from my old school--shes cool and im glad she was there today because she made me stop crying.