ive really been thinking about it and ive taken a looong look at my lie and the shit that is around me. im lucky because im not a total loser, i have GREAT friends and i meet new ones everyday, my parents are generous when it comes to what they give me, ihave a house, food, clothes ya know the important stuff some people dont have. i do feel sometimes that i dont deserve it and then sometimes i feel i deserve more. ((if i sound kindda distant its because im writing only the parts i think ppl shoudl read)). anyways...like i said yesterday i think i like to read and im such a sitcom whore because i get to watch or read the lives i want. this may sound stupid but i want a boyfriend to fight with, and i want more to my life then school, internet, the occasional really big fun night. i mean dont get me wrong...my life isnt bad but i feel like im missing out on teenage stuff because of the way i look. ((yeah im gonna get a could bitchy IMs after ppl read this but w/e))
i know im not fugly, and that i have a real super personality...or at least this is what ive heard but im fat. people wont let my call myself fat cuz they are stupid but that is how i feel. im 'overweight' whatever. and honestly((sorry guys)) but ive looked at my friends and i have to truly think if they are my friends becuase they REALLY wanna be, or because they feel bad for me...OR because they feel obligated because im friends with their other friends...ya know. and i know its stupid because some people are genuine but idk. ive been goign through a serious depression which ive been hiding ((real well obviously cuz its been a serious suprise to some ppl)) and ive finally came out and said it...not to everyone but the most important to my families.
i wear makeup and get my nails done and whatever just cuz that makes ME feel better not because i care what other ppl think. thats the weird thing i dont...all this im saying is becuase genuinly I CARE about it. im known to have my own opinions((which i am VERY opinionated)) and i dont care what other people think about me--which i have to say is weird because the other girls that are as insecure as me thats all they wanna do is impress other people. honestly if you dont wanna talk to me dont, if you dont like what im wearing SO WHAT, and i will do, say, wear, talk whatever the way i want to...and im proud of that quality. and im not afraid to get up in front of the class, on stage, even in front of a big group...but i do look back after and be like 'i wonder what i looked like to all those people' or 'i wonder if they were laughin at me' and shit like that. i also sometimes...rarely hold back talking to ppl because i dont wanna make them uncomfortable or w/e...its weird. i go through these days when im like afraid to talk to ppl because i dont know if they want to talk to me...and thats just insecurity. but now im in drama, hoping to do some plays, im student council treasurer, and i MIGHT join the key club...idk but im also gonna write a book...may b 2 books idk just give me something to do and to think about instead of myself.
yeah ive tried diets and shit like that...but now im gonna do it for me. not cuz my mom wants me too, or someone at school wants me too but for me. i wanna be able to move at the end of this school year and be a completly different marcia on the OUTSIDE and i honestly hope i grow from this and become better on the INSIDE as well--which i bet i will cuz thats just how i am...i take lessons from everything. i LOVE my friends and everyone around me and im lucky to have them all...
--marcia--
today i went through telling my parents about my depression and now my mom said i "ruined my dads birthday" yeah and she wonders why i hold everything inside...please he wanted me to tell him!