completely washed up, completely beat down. i cant seem to find a balance. it seems as if i always lose when i didnt notice there even was a chance to win. i just wanted a balance. something to stay connected and leveled. not something to tip completely to one side so fast i was getting thrown in the air. like a teter-totor except only staying down on one side.. . . for long periods of time. completely drained. tired to keep going. it is so hard fighting for what you want when you seem to be the only one that cares. nothing-ness. hopeless. wondering why even try, why not give up and see how life goes without it. doubting myself to be ok then, giving up on myself before i give it a chance. i like change but not so drastic. it is to intense. my mind wanders trying to connect the dots even when they are not even there to begin with. i like movement into change, not pushed and pulling into life drastic change. and only change for the best. never the worst. even though it happens sometime. even when i take a step back, soar above everything and take a birds eye view nothing changes, i just see it, the same actions just from a different angle. i close my eyes trying to see what might have been if it was, somethings seem like it would have been nicer that way, but it was in my mind. . . what i wanted to see. i open them, fall back into the uncomplete-ness. sink in and sigh.