Life is a trip. been on this work trip for 2 weeks now .. day 16 in a row. 10+ hour days. Its been really nice being up here on this trip though. I feel like after this past trip up to uncle gary's, and now being in grass valley, I have a new state of mind. One free from my depression, anxiety and doubts. I need to let all the negative go and forgive myself for my past. I've almost been thinking that my car accident really messed up my head as a kid. I'm starting to remember things about my childhood that I had long forgoten. Memories that bring me joy but also humble me. Thats what I want to be: Humble. Its a word that I've used a lot without ever really feeling it. There is plenty of work to be done in my life right now. After this trip I am going to go home and re-do our bathroom. Fix the panneling, the shower, the floor, the cieling. Ive been taking a lot of pride in the work that I have done lately. And pride is something I havent had in a long time. It feels good to be proud. Going to continue with the welding classses and the growing. Gotta get home to build a flower room and build some gardening boxes. ugh so much to do! So very excited about the future!

So stoked to have this lil diary again. Just ended a 7 month relationship.. or 6.. I have no idea. It was going fine. Great girl who did everything for me. But thats not what I want right now. I have much bigger fish to fry and so does she.Were still good friends which I would say would make this the most successful relationships I've been in. That being said, I'm glad its over. I can now focus on all the things that I don't do. The things that I constantly beat myself up for not doing. The things that I WANT. It may be selfish, but I am ready to be a little selfish for the sake of my future contentment. The first step is getting out of this little studio and finding a 1bedroom with a bigger yard for my dogs. The property being sold is a clear sign that change is needed. Then I need to get a new condenser microphone and start recording everything. everything everything everything. And make music constantly And I really need a new skateboard... I haven't skateboarded much at all in this past year that I've been driving and I think it has started to mentally take a tole. At this point I am more than possitive my friends think I have changed into a cynical person who recieves little to no joy out of life. And they may be right. But none of them can really understand whats happening in my life and I supose it isn't fair of me to think otherwise. So I am going to continue to do what I do free of guilt and with some determination I think I will find myself in a much better place soon. The worst kind of stress is one coupled with excitement. You almost don't want to shake it, though its killing you :)

Not a day goes by where I don't miss that feeling...And as more days pass, I can not tell weather I'm getting closer or farther away I have everything I could ever need... just not what I want and thats the way it goes. I got my lil pup to keep me company now and I am sooo stoked. He's the best dog ever. But it's odd... I have nothing to be stressed about:I got a easy job that pays my billsI got my own placeI get to look out my window and see the islands every morning.No neighbors to keep me downBusiness is picking up yet I am still always soo stressed out. It might be one of the symptom of fighting my way upstream in life for so long. Maybe I need new motivation; refuel my ambitious tank... For that I need some inspiration. wish i had a bottle of that

then again... what the fuck do i know

I was begging to think I couldnt or wouldnt feel this way ever again... but here I am completly hopeless to an overwhelming emotion.. (and its not redundancy) - why am I trying to be quirky to myself. anyways I've never been so excited about the future, or so sure of it.

So, I got out of that horrible relationship with my ex thank god. I dont know where my head was at. The baseball was my desperation and I swung for the fences and missed. But now the games over. Onto the next hurtle. Im got my own little studio. Its not much but it has a killler view... and it suites me. Rather rustic. Its great because its giving me some much needed time to myself... I've been getting back into my music a lot lately, both with beat production and lyrics. which is also greatly needed as I feel I was slipping farther and farther away from anything that makes me happy. After the horrible, rescent loss of my grandpa Don, my dad has been showing a lot more interest in me.. I think the therapy has been helping him. Slowly but surely. Either way I'm really excited to have a dad. Working a lot and always looking for more. Always hustling. I've beeen really selective with the people I place around me. Some might call that being anti-social but I'm just too tired of lame ass fools and lame ass bitches. So mentaly weak, I just can't do it anymore. I got my elite squad and thats all I can really ask for.

Shits goin mediocre. shitty job(though i did just get promoted after 5 months), shitty girl, beautiful city full of shitty people. my fondest memories are my fuel, and the final destination is a return to happiness and comfort. Havent smoked any buds in over a month now, feelin alright. cant find any work though... Hopes are higher than usual though, not sure why. maybe im just learning that all i have, the good and the bad, is ultimately a blessing. so many people fuckin up all around me. younger or older, i stay consistant, learning from others mistakes. it's just been keeping me in this kind of numb focus. eyes on the prize. never been so excited for the future (my future) I got the whole world ahead of me. bring it

stupid fuckin april kicked me out for no god damn reason. oh well fuck em. im really not liking life right now. i dont know what i want to do. the only thing that i can thing of that i am actually good at is growin an sellin. im not really athletic, i'm mediocre at art and music at best. I can't think of what I would want to do for a Career. im starting to think lifes a shit and im a toilet bowl. I can't wait till this bud is outa my system n i can go apply somewhere. gym every day

this year was my first 4th of july in ventura. I got all faded at the pad n went down to pierpont with the homies. i lost my camera. i lost my phone. so i walked home barefoot.. cuz all i had were my slippers... cut the shit outa my feet & hands. AWSOME. Im having a really hard time living here right now.. i guess that will be inspiration to move out. before i wasnt sure.. but now i think im changing into someone i dont like.. whatever gets me the fuck out of here. Why the fuck does every girl im with try to break me down?

lonely. and a lil frustrated

So I'm moving in with Brad n his folks. Im mad excited for it. .. finally somewhere with a little bit of privacy.. should make for a fun summer. I bought them a 200dollar fence gate thing, so i'll have even more privacy. i even got my own doorbelll.. soooooo stoked. Im suposed to get some more work next week. .. so some more munie. thats gona be nice... gota get that fat plasma screen . im just soo stoked to be out of this place. I think my mom is having a real hard time with me leaving n shes takin it out on me... oh well fuck it. oh man mad stoked

I keep havin these fucked up dreams... last night you show up and, quite passively, give me shit for smoking weed when i had told you i wasnt.. then you and someone else proceeded to seek out my old memories, embarassing moments, lovely moments, and destroy them somehow or maybe making them all public. like taking them away from me and giving them to everyone. And there was no way i could stop you, you thought it was so funny. by the end of the dream i was naked and disrespected by everyone and everything. I dont know what any of that means, but im getting soo tired of having dreams like that. they keep my so confused. and i wake up really mad and frustrated. So i'm on day 17 no herb. but i still dream about smokn it. I'm getting kicked out for no real reason, i guess my rent money doesn't make up for my presence or lack of, cuz i'm never home. So i guess im going to move in with brad's family until i can get a better job n save up some money. which they are all about so i'm stoked. They're also gonna teach me to drive so i'm waaay stoked on that too. I was starting to think im gona have to teach myself. which would be fine but i kinda have a car phobia. This is gona be my summer. not like any other.

I am having a real hard time right now... and as before,I've quit smoking 'till I get a job. And every time that I do, I start to realize all the things that I use weed to suppress and don't really deal with. And I feel like I'm right back where I'm from. These chicks suck! These Fake, Jetson wannabees suck I got my homies backs way more than they got mine This authority sucks This media sucks The underground sucks The air and water suck The economy and job market suck Probation sucks Poor Diet Sucks Spider bites suck My dysfunctional family sucks My attitude sucks My Lawyers suck! My fucked up hood drama sucks My clothes suck My imagination is beautiful fuck

how some days i'll be sooo down, when the next I'll be in paradise. I'm so stoked to be where I am at right now. I don't really have much to my name. no job or car. criminal records. But I've come to realize all those things have only been around so long... I feel like my people can have such fulfilling life with trees and mud... everything else is a complication. I just think that before this point in my life I relied on the gratification of others to make me happy. DONNEE

I've come to find that order is only attained through the illusion of chaos. that is to say, without one the other does not exist. bad things happen a lot, but every now and then something good can come of it. But when you start trying to control what happens, you take a part of the ability to have wonderful spontaneous things to happen to you. 420 party at my pad this weekend coming up, my folks are going to Vegas to try to asses there marriage situation. I'm way stoked, hoping to see some old faces. After that I am done. No more smoking; at least for a while. I'm seeing more and more, some of the friends that I look up to and admire aren't really what I thought they were. I'm fortunate to be above water. When it rains it pours. Realizing that I'll never be alone as long as the sun keeps rising

I've been feeling so alone lately. I don't have anyone that I can count on. I can't count on my family, my friends take advantage, all these girls I meet are so synthetic. I don't need anyone to count on, but it's the fact that if I did... well, no one would be there. I want to get a job and a car but I don't really want to do it for myself; I feel like that's the only way you can get love. Sometimes I feel like a caveman who was just brought to the future.. looking at all the nonsense that I have survived so long without, but that others have grown so dependent. I just can't fit in

i can be arrogant enough to still believe in fairy tales

Its odd how things just pop up in front of you, like you were foolish for not seeing it before. this is gona be a rollercoaster.. got a feelin

Its been 3 weeks today, free but I'm becoming more trapped by myself something i haven't been and needed to be I've lost all hope and gained so much faith I've been looking back on my past relationships and the ones that have really mattered learning the meaning of reliance and the meaning of independence, the meaning of reliability and of expectation also that fault is a perception and a need for dependence... if i could say that. also that there is no better trial than time people are different for whatever reason, some more deeply rooted than others. you cant expect anyone to understand or deal with your own baggage, and im tired of people thinking that. "accept me for who I am". maybe I'm wrong but i feel like you should be who you would want to love. because if you cant love yourself, than how could you expect someone else to? otherwise your building a dependence on a love you need and couldn't feel on your own. shouldn't be like that. I'm not saying love your replica, sometimes our differences make us beautiful; a chaotic harmony....... ahh that sounds so wonderful like waking up to a bedhead the morning after, staring at you with eager-uncertainty and excitement followed by a good morning kiss FAITH

im starting to get convinced that all these chicks is lying crazy unfaithful bitches. i know about 2 or 3 really chill down to earth girls. tops. and thats being nice. n none of them are interested in me. im thinkin maybe im one of those people whose ment to be alone.