It is done. I've lost a friendship that I dearly appreciated. It's both our faults. It's all I can do not to cry. I refuse to feel anything at this poibt in time. I'll cry about it tomorrow or something. I dunno. I just don't...I want so badly to just laugh like old days. I want to be crazy. I want to be me. I think there will always be that wish to be with her, but it is impossible. Love does have boundaries. He's a good kid. I just know things that change the stories. Sometimes everyone's story should be taken into account. If you're not willing to listen, but instead, just critisize...than what is the point in hearing the story. I don't want to be made a monster. So...I give up. I give in. She'll be happier with him than me anyway. I need to just hide. Steal away and hide. So...there is this boy. I really like him. I'm trying my hardest not to call him. There is so much I want to say to him...but I don't know how he feels. So I won't. I'm too scared. I always have been. I just don't know what to think. I am so comfortable around him, and I don't even know why. I enjoy just sitting with him. It's been a while since I've enjoyed someone's company the way I've enjoyed his. Course...i'm a crazy, phsycotic, stalker at some points...so maybe I should just curl in a ball and leave him be. *sighs* I need a hobby. I'm home. I enjoy being home, but sometimes...it's just not where I want to be. It's dirty. Always...and I always clean. I just don't like being responsible for this place. I have my own life, own apartment...I want a vacation. Have you ever wanted something you can't have. I want sooo much more in life than I will ever get if I fall to what I want now. I'm such an idiot. I have so little and I want to give it up for a few feelings...I almost hate myself. I am cursed. I will never be as happy as I wish. There are too many things involved. I just want to be happy... sometimes only temporary happiness seems tempting...cuz I never know if I can successfully get eternal happiness. I want always to be happy. Is it possible? Is it in my life? I wanted always to be like my father. Am I damned to his fate? Can I change what I've always wished for? Must I save myself?