K...so he is gorgeous...so what...and he's sweet...and oh yeah...I trust him with just about everything...heck...If I were in love it might just be the same thing... I can't be in love if I'm thinking of other ppl can I? So I could marry him for his back massages...and his smile...I love that boy. He's a doll... Why do I give a crap about Ryker?! I don't want to...he's just caused heart ache and trouble. I don't want anything to do with him! Then I do... Tell you the truth...I don't want Mars to go anywhere near him...and unfortanetly...I'm letting it get in the way of how I feel about her...I shouldn't! I know that it doesn't matter...because he doesn't love anyone and won't for a long time. He has sooo much maturing to do...but then again...he's Ryker! I've loved him for so long...I don't want to let go. And I don't know why her hanging out with him pisses me off...It just does. It's not jealousy...it's just...she's my sister, dang it! That's not right...She's betrayed me...Least...that's how I feel. I tried talking to her...but she doesn't care...least...feels like she wants his friendship more than mine...that's unhealthy...I dunno...I don't want to! I just want to cry... You know what I want! I want to fall in love...and get married...think of nothing but my family and no one, but our family! That's all...I don't want to worry about anyone but us... I'm just too scared. If it comes close...I'll probably run away. I wish He could be the one...could be the last guy I kiss...I don't want to kiss any more...I don't want toads...I just want to be loved... to be cared about... I need a counselor...that's what Vet said...she said I sound like my dad's beginning...I don't want to end up like my dad...I've wanted all my life to be like him...but I can't! His life ended in a way that I do not want mine to...You know he spent less time knowing me, than his father did him...I dunno what to think or feel. There are so many things ppl never talk about and so many things that ppl assume. What is the point in family if you can't get along? I mean really...ppl need to grow up and take on some responsibility. I just hope that some of them do it in a timely manner and do not need assistance...cuz I'm not a strong person...I'm...me...and I give up...I cry...I'm weak. What will become of me? I can't stand to lose another loved one...the only solution? to no longer love... I hope no one read this whole diary entry...might send them to some sleeping pills. I'm going to hit the sack and forget for a while. Forget that my mind works too fast and the fact that I feel as though I've lived seven lives...*sighs* I just don't know how I go on somedays...friends...family...I dunno how much it is worth. I'm tired of fights. If you truly love someone...nothing should stand in the way...but if they truly love you...they will make anything possible. To lose a friend for someone you love...isn't worth it. To give up your past for "love"...is not the real deal. Just know that you shouldn't change after you've fallen in love...you should be the same as before with the same friends and same goals...Don't ever give that up! Friends and family are more precious than any "lover."