so.i'm sitting at stoked.it's boring here.veronica.i think she has a better time without me.unlike me.i know you care about me.but are you just keeping me around to have somthing to fall back on?if you have no intentions of staying with kyle then why are you doing this to him?to me?he is in love with you.have you even told him what you told me.i just dont understand you any more.you're totally different to me.just knowing you have other relationships.i dont even know what i'm talking about.it's just the things that are on my mind.maybe were better off never talking again.it's not what i want but you'll never be mine again.there will always be someone else.always has always will.the face just changes.then again your only 16.so young.so many years ahead of you.why do you put up with me?because you love me.well who don't you love.it's really starting to lose it's meaning.you treat me different now.im always stuck wondering how much different things must be when your around the others or kyle.if you hold his hand or him.look in his eyes the same way you look in mine.if when i kiss your lips im also getting a taste of his.i cant take this much more it's too much for me to handle.all of this.what do i do?if i stop talking too you you'll probably just move on.it's not what i want but if i ask you too come back it wouldn't work eiter.i don't even know if you want too.fuck fuck fuck.the way you talk about him kills me.i think that used too be me.the apple of her eye.how lucky he is.i'm actually questioning whether it's worth it.to stick around.i honestly don't feel loved anymore.maybe it's because i'm not.death is so much easier than this.i swear.this is fucking bullshit.ihate love.i hate it.all it's done is cause me pain.everyday it gets worse.everyday you slip farther away.god ihate this.i hate myself.hell part of me hates you.i love you more than anything though.i've never felt this before ever.but apparently it happens to you all the time.sorry so harsh.you say it's not your fault but maybe it is.if you wouldn't put yourself in those situations or just say hey don't mean to hurt you but i ddon't like you like that,or hey your really great but i don't think it would work out in the long run people might take a hint and back the fuck off.i know it's not your style but neither is this for me.being lovesick.obssesing over a girl who tells me she loves me and wants to be with me then goes out every night making things worse.maybe coming too my house does too.i'm not trying too hurt you but love is not something too fuck with.and if your not trying to then what the hell are you doing?if you honestly don't want to be with then tell me.don't keep me around thinking things are going to get better between us.if you do then fucking do something about it.i've already changed my whole lifestyle for you what more do you want?ive giving you every part of me finally.all of it.i don't have anything left to give.i put my life on it that you have nothing to be scared of.nothing.it's probably to late though.i mean how do you just stop loving someone.and don't say i don't understand.if there is anything i'm missing please fill in.i love you more than life itself and i could never hurt you again.ever.till i'm old and finally die.but if it's a bad boy you want then go get him.he's all yours.i guess i'll just chill with the nice guys in the back of the line with a broken heart bleeding all over myself.god there so much we could do.you know it too.when i wake up in the morning your all ithink about.24 hours a day.you.even in sleep.but in the end if you want me to stay by you i will.it will be hard but i will.i'd do anything for you just ask.anything.sorry i lashed out at you.i know it's probably not what you need.just don't hate me.it's whats going through my head.constantly.think about the fear i have.i mean what if another paul or kyle comes around and you don't just let it go.what if your out walking around and someone does hurt you.i still keep going for the same reason frey does.love.it's the best and the worst thing in the world.i want you too show them this diary or just have frey or kyle call me.if there is anything they want too know about me they should feel free.i hate being thought of in a bad way without having a chance to defend myself.i don't even know why i hold there opinion in high regard.probably for the same reason you do.i don't know imiss you terribly and please don't hate me for all of this.this is all worth it if it means a chance of getting you back.i just wish i knew my chances i guess.i love you.forever and always.i mean that more than i've ever meant anything.if you read this call me tonight.please.