What makes it so easy for us to focus on the wrongs and forget about all the rights? Well actually, do I really mean us, or is it just me who does this? My Benny's gettin' big. We had a scare last week when we discovered a couple of lumps in his body, which could have been symptoms of leukemia, but it turns out to have just been some viral infection-thing. He's all good now. Ok I've a confession to make. I quite like the Sheryl Crow remake of 'The First Cut is the Deepest'. An online journal really isn't the place to go to sort out your feelings.

I'm done with finals. I always say I did terribly and then end up doing all right, but I think this time I did terribly for real. Oh well. I haven't messed up in school for awhile, I figure I deserve a break. Umm. Yea. Great outlook, ayy? The Roots will be in Japan from the 1st-6th Dec. Those are their only tourdates outside of North America, and the closest they'll ever come to me. How do I get there? The exchange rate's about 28 point something Yen to a Malaysian Ringgit, but stuff over there's gonna be like...1000 Yen. So I think this is going to be just another one of my fantasies I can't live out. I'm on holiday for the next 4 months. Although I think I'm going to enroll in summer school to make up for that one subject I dropped this semester. Eh this is boring. I'm out.

Ok, doodies. My diary isn't for friends only anymore. The whole world can get back to reading it now, yessirre Bob.

During this fasting month, I've been going for terawih prayers at the mosque near my house. (Though not nightly, I've been going more often than I ever have) Apart from reaping the benefits of performing these prayers, the gathering of Muslims at the mosque is also supposed to encourage a feeling of unity among us. However, I am disappointed to find that I haven't felt this sense of closeness with my fellow Muslims. At certain points after completing the prayers, we're supposed to turn to the person sitting to the left and right of us, extending our hands in 'salam'. Isn't it unfortunate that I've encountered some women who don't seem the least bit interested in extending their hands to me? And the ones who do, well, I don't exactly feel the love from them, either. Don't you think that they should also be able to manage a polite smile, at least in return for the one I offer? I suppose for me to ask that goes against the adage of 'when you give, don't expect something in return', but I'm just saying, look at the bigger picture. We've come to pray together, so why don't we be nice to each other? Look what's happened to me; I've come away from the prayers with these feelings of resentment. Certainly not something I'm proud of, but justifiable, no? And imagine this scenario: How are we to fight against those who oppress us if we can't treat each other well enough in our place of worship? Well. Maybe I'm taking this too far. Perhaps I'm being too idealistic. After all, first and foremost, performing terawih is supposed to help you gain God's forgiveness and earn you a place in heaven. But really, I just can't accept encountering all these unfriendly people. Or maybe it's just the people who go to the mosque near my house. I should just try going to another mosque.

Yo! God, it's been too long since I updated. Let's just say that I'm just not connected and so online diary-ing became a thing of the past. I'm connected now, though. I'm also back in London, in what has become my longest stay yet. It is also proving to be the best ever, and even though my days here still stretch before me, I'm already dreading going back. Other than that, I really do need to go home; my life needs to be sorted out. Majorly. Yes, my life requires some major sorting out. Also, pray that I get some money today. And I will update more when I have more to say.

I can't believe the last time I updated was 3 months ago! So it's 6 days into Ramadhan and less than a month until my finals. I'm trying to be good this Ramadhan, because I totally failed last year, I'll let you know at the end of the month how it works out. And the coming finals should be my final finals, unless all this mucking about comes round to bite me in the ass. Which it probably will. But hey, can't say I don't deserve it. Someone asked me why I'm not straight edge anymore. It's just simply because I enjoy doing things that are not straight edge. Sometimes I wish I still was, because I seem to have been a better person back then than I am now, but that's kind of subjective, too...I'm just having a good time, really, and maybe one day I can put all this behind me. How's everyone else doing? I'm sorry I never read your diaries much anymore, I just have major issues with internet connection. Other than that, and the fact that I am at what probably is the most unmotivated period of my life, worse even than when my granddad passed, it's all good. Still trying to figure out ways to move to London and leave the Malaysian uni life behind...don't really see it happening anytime soon. :/ Well okay, I've got to bust a move, take care of yourselves, mmkay.

Yo. So it's been awhile since I shared my thoughts with the world. Mostly because I haven't had many thoughts that I'd like to share. This is my life right now: -last semester at uni; undecided about continuing with honours -finding ways to holiday in/move to London -passing time until I've found a way to holiday in/move to London What else? Friends have moved on, new friendships have been nurtured. Mostly friends are a way to pass time. Am also questioning what the big deal is about inter-racial relationships. Look at the world, its just converging. I think people to need get past the your-partner-has-to-be-of-the-same-race-as-you thing. Also, am not straight edge anymore. Woohoo for long weekends. Hello to everybody who still reads this.

Yo. I have been living the decadent uni student lifestyle and partying a lot and barely making it for class. Some people take advantage of me. I will either come out of this refreshed and purged from the bad things I'm indulging in, or feeling ill and used. I like cousins.

Hi. You know when you're buzzin but you're trying not to show it? It's funny. I miss London. I start uni next Monday. Except I think I start on Tuesday, something about my first class starting on Tuesday this week and then starting on Monday the next. For permanent. I'm going to start a business. Yes, I am a damn capitalist. I'll tell you all about it when I make my first grand. Here are a few things I miss about London: 1) A pub on every corner 2) All Saints Station 3) Canary Wharf 4) The Peoples 5) A-pound-a-pint night Yup. See you later. Hope your new year is rockin'.

I don't know what it is that I'm so afraid to write about, but I am. Probably it's the fear of acknowledging something nasty about myself. The light of day chases my demons away, makes my actions seem more harmless. Post-midnight, I am so vulnerable. Only to myself, though. I long to be heard again.

I miss London so bad. London was refreshing. Kuala Lumpur is home, has been home my whole life. For as long as it's mattered, anyway. (I mean, how can I count Pittsburgh when I lived there when I was so young the only thing I remember is Kennywood Park?) Anyhow. Did I already mention that all I can think about now is how to get my ass back to London? For a period long enough that I wouldn't have to call my parents every few days after my planned departure to inform them that I would be staying a few more extra days. Two more years and I might actually be able to move there to do a post-grad degree. But these two years in between...Man. I wish I could just fast forward my life. (Because rewinding it will only make me have to re-live the whole post-London depression mode.) But then again if I could rewind or fast forward, I suppose I could fast forward past that part too. So I'm rambling. I'm sorry. I'm depressed. I've lost my mojo.

Hello, my lovelies. Remember how in my last entry I said that I was going home "tomorrow night"? Well, tomorrow night ended up being just last night. Yup, I'm finally home, about 10 days overdue. I'd probably still be there if it weren't for the fact that I'd spent all my money and ended up pretty much living in poverty my last few days there. Anyway. I want to live in London, for a few years maybe. I think saying that makes it sound like I'm unhappy with Malaysia, or that I hate it or something, but that's really not the case. It's just that a change of scenery would be nice, and I just feel like I want to move on, discover new horizons. As cheesy as that may sound. In retrospect, I really didn't do anything mind-blowing in London..I did sort of settle into a routine, though; nothing too exciting, but pleasant nonetheless. I just want to go back there. In other news, I've stopped working. I went in today, got paid and said goodbye to everyone, and now I'm just going to sit around moping about not being in London and waiting for the Arabs to come back. Ok then. Later.

London is lovely. I don't particularly want to go back home. I'm in Nottingham now. It's a cute little place. I really am more excited about being here than I may seem; it's just that I'm leaving for home tomorrow night and it's just not sitting pretty with me. I want to live here or something, man. Oh well anyway... See you when I get home.

o cigarette! how you appease me. inhale, exhale, puff of smoke. materialize, dematerialize, oh, the satisfaction.

I just handed my boss a letter telling her that I'll be on vacation starting next Wednesday, and when I come back I'll only be working for another 2 weeks before I leave for good. Woohoo! London in 6 days. I can barely contain myself! I've been having some issues with water lately. The weekend after Christmas, my brilliant sister drilled a hole so deep in the wall that she hit a pipe and it frikkin' burst, causing a goddamn fountain to emerge from the wall, after which much havoc, water waste-age and high tensions ensued. All at the stroke of midnight. Niiiiicely. Also, yesterday some pipes on top of my office burst or started leaking or something, which caused water to leak onto my desk and the rest of the sh*t I had on there. WTF, right? Oh well. I'm going to go heat up my roast chicken sandwich and lock myself in the room and hope that customers don't come by. (Did I mention that I work in customer service? Oh well anyway, I do.) Peace, and Happy New Year!

What's up, doodies. It's been awhile, huh? Well, our phone line's been cut off at home (yes, we're ghetto like that), so I haven't been able to get online. Plus I WORK now, so I don't really have time for much anymore, except to work and to go for a drink maybe. But yea, I WORK! How trippy is that? 9-5, 5 days a week, proper desk job at Malaysia Airlines, courtesy of my friend Arif and his mother, who I refer to as The Big Boss. It's only temporary though, something to do while I'm on vacation, and it'll give me some money for my London trip. Speaking of my London trip, I'm set to leave on the 12th of January, which is in about 3 weeks. Woohoo! I'm so excited, you don't even know..I think about it everyday! Well anyway, that's pretty much all that's been going on with me. Merry Christmas!

Marcus Camby, Carmelo Anthony and Kenyon Martin. Nuggets, anyone? They're down 2-4, but I'd like to think that they have some sort of potential this season. Of course, it's too early to tell, and the earlier game with Detroit may have been a one-off, but yes, I have some hope for them. And they have K-Mart!! My main man!! And I don't know who Earl Boykins is, but he is a firecracker. The only player standing at five feet five inches to score 30+ points in a game. Yay for little people! And thus ends my game post mortem for today. I've still yet to find the perfect pair of shoes. Nah, scratch that. I've actually found two, the FCUK trainers being one of them, and a pair of 999 Malaysian ringgit DKNYs being the other. Both just a tad out of my reach. Woe :( Eid is in two days. Sad to say that I haven't felt Ramadhan this year, and that I'm just not feeling the coming of Eid, either. Your feelings towards things just change as you get older, I guess. And with that, I bid thee good night. Sweet be thy dreams.

Hooooome free! That's right, buddy, I don't have to do anything academic for the next 3 1/2 months!! I'm going shopping today, to get new clothes for Eid. Did I already mention that I need to get about three new pairs of footwear? Yeah, well, I do. So I will do that today. Once again, I find myself in a state of excitement. :) :) :) :) :) :) !!!!!!!!! I really thought I had something interesting to write about when I started this out, but apparently I don't. So I will go now and get ready to go shopping. Scissors, paper....stone! Happy Diwali! Update I was supposed to go to a friend's house last night/tonight to play with fireworks, but those plans got cancelled. I was pretty bummed out about it, but now I feel really sh*t because I keep hearing fireworks go off around my neighbourhood. Not just at night, but in the middle of the frikkin' day, too!! Also, I keep ashing all over myself. I'm such a messy smoker. And if anyone's going to give me sh*t for smoking while I'm supposed to be fasting, don't, because I'm on, so I can't fast. So there. Bye.

I have my last final today. I'm excited and scared at the same time. Excited because after this I have like, 3 whole months off from uni and scared because, well, exams just have a way of scaring the sh*t out of me. Also, I want French Connection trainers for Christmas. Nevermind the fact that I don't celebrate Xmas and they don't sell the trainers in Malaysia...I don't think. But they're so fly, man, I think I'd piss in my pants if somebody got them for me. Please? Somebody? UK friends? Come on, you know you want to see me piss in my pants. These exams are really buggin' me out, man. Peace, and wish me luck...I'm on the home stretch!!

i'm so tired, my vision is blurred. the path ahead is unsure; unclear. search beneath the leaves. though you may find that all you thought was true was a lie.