Last night I was on the phone… I had just gotten off the computer…. I was on myspace and forgot to sign out… I’m not suppose to have a myspace.. and my brother got on after me… So I was in my room, talking on the phone when my mom comes in and says, “come into the living room.” I immediately got freaked out and assumed that they had found my myspace… when I got out into the living room, my brother was sitting at the computer and looking at me as I entered… my dad was sitting on the loveseat and my mom was sitting on the far end of the couch… She told me to sit down… my mind was racing.. I was sure I was in trouble… Then she said, “Cousin Vicky called… you remember how Tim was having problems with his nose at the family reunion [last weekend], well, he went to the doctor to have some tests done, and the results were suppose to be sent to him today.. but…” then she started to tear up… but she continued “cousin Tim killed himself. He shot himself behind the shed. Matt, his son, found him.” I was in shock. I still am… He was one of my favorite cousins… he was always so funny… always treated me like an equal.. even when I was just a kid… He had been depressed since his mom died last year… he had smoked for over 40 years, and had been a very heavy drinker up until just a year or so ago… I only ever got to see him once a year.. I can’t even remember if I said good-bye to him at the family reunion… I cried for a few hours… but only now am I actually crying for him… Lastnight I was crying for everyone else who I have lost in my life… Tim is the sixth family member I have lost in eleven years… as well as the boyfriend who killed himself… my friend who died last year in the car accident… I just don’t know… Death and I really have become very close over the years….