I'm useless, I'm rubbish, I'm no good, I do nothing right. still with craig, but i keep making a mess of things & have no self control. just feel its best i start keeping things to myself and protecting other people from me. kinda given up on God too, cos he doesnt care about me, spent months trying to do things right &asking him for his help and its come to nothing, whenever i try and do something right it just ends up 10 times wronger. Bet my dad has disowned me now, watching me from heaven and seeing me doing everything wrong and hurting everyone including myself. doesnt bear imagining what he thinks of me. if i could sink into a hole and never have to face anything again then i would, but there seems to be a shortage of holes and i can't be bothered to go and physically dig one. right thats the extent of what i'm letting out about my feelings.

Meh, haven't written on here for a long time. haven't needed to, have been getting along with life pretty ok, with friends by my side to talk to and God looking after me. Also, since Easter i've had Craig, who's been wonderful, nearly been going out 6 months now.....thats a long time for me! Feeling quite low at the mo tho. just started back at uni and been bombarded with assignments and so much info. plus i'm not sleeping great & really tired. got quite a lot of emotional stuff going on too. my dad died suddenly in the summer. and now, i'm 200 miles away from Craig, but he's being a bit of an arsehole, and over reacting to everything and anything. i'm fed up of us disagreeing on stuff so much, and him jumping down my throat loads at the mo. but i dont want to leave him, i love him, and at the good times i feel like the happiest girl in the world. i just dont have the energy to keep fighting him & making him be positive. he's got his screen name as: (L)I love my Amykins(L)-=- It's time for the truth, I'm a crap boyfriend, so there is no point going out with me! - might as well be single, less pain caused to others just gonna leave him to it for the mo, maybe he'll come round & realise that that way of thinking really doesnt help, maybe he'll realise he's upsetting me and apologise....i dont know, i can only hope. or maybe i'll just go hide in a hole, or find a nice bridge cos i can't cope.....

hey, my first entry of 2006, did write one yesterday but it got deleted. i'm back at uni now, feels kinda weird, cold & lonely cos i've only briefly seen 2 of my flatmates & they both welcomed me back but now theyve gone off to do other things. it brings my missing haze to the surface too cos i'm not distracted from it. she's gone out to youth group which is good...i encourage her to go, but means i've got no one to talk to at the mo, cos theres not really anyone online :( should finish unpacking & get an early night really as i barely slept last night, and i've got to get up earlier than i have been tomorrow for a hectic day...but should get me back into uni life. zzzzzz sleep. dunno why it feels weird, cos its not as if i've been round my friends particuarly in cov...altho spent best part of 1/3 of the hols with haze and doing assignments which i dont feel like doing now i'm here. and theres no tv to sit in front of. didnt say goodbye to my sister, as she didnt come home for lunch & last we heard she still wasnt back & we dont know where she is/was!! typical of her.

hey, hope you've all had a good day! Haze did text me late yesterday & we sorted things, tho i think i confused her loads..oops! its a bit annoying that she's not got any texts left so using credit cos i'm used to her texting me loads! may phone her later!! My parents kept winding me up about my christmas present...cos i couldnt see one from them & they were encouraging that! But in fact they bought me a voucher for BSM so i can start driving lessons - woo!! watch out amy's about to get out onto the roads in a car!! had some other cool stuff from friends including a rainbow clock and a bamboo water fountain! ooo and an OT keyring (a rarity!! but i think theres a conspiracy going on lol)

can't believe that...and in some ways it doesnt seem like that. mainly i suppose cos i've been away at uni for the last 3months, then come back, spent a few days here before going to stay at Haze's for a couple of days, so not really been around for the usual christmas preperations! went to Haze's on wednesday and came back yesterday, it was really good to see her & i miss her lots (won't get to see her for another 3months).she's the best, always there for me, and been so much support over the year....she knows almost everything thats happened & she's the one person i talk to about anything & everything. even just curling up on the sofa with her is the nicest thing...just to be with her after the months apart. she knows when i need a hug, she prays for me, she listens to my problems no matter how rediculous, she makes me laugh & smile...and when i'm out in the world on my own in uni she checks up on me each day. its always hard leaving her behind and getting the train back, just to survive the journey without bursting into floods of tears. slightly harder this time cos she's got no credit to text me so i've no been able to have any conversation or contact with her since yesterday :( plus knowing that when i'm at uni i cant go & see her cos its so long & expensive to get from there to hers. one thing bugging me about the trip, was that nay, haze's sister made a comment about perhaps we're lesbians...i'm sure she made it last time i was there too, but haze kinda reacted strangely to the things said, she didnt quite laugh it off in the way expected. i mean i know sometimes when you're really close to a person you can wonder whether its sexual...but at the end of the day you should be able to be close without it being anything more than friends...and not let any occasional feelings ruin that friendship. people often don't understand why two girls can be such close friends, so affectionate with each other without it being more than friends...but i'm sure nay was just joking about...maybe a little jealousy of the closeness me & haze have..i dont know. i mean i've emailed haze and in it i brought up the question about it, despite that i've had no reply even tho she's been online (while i have, & not spoken to me either :s ) dont like this, makes me even more anxious. ah i'm sure it'll all work out right in the end...after all God's planned it all perfectly & i can only trust him that it'll be fine & the friendship is great.

hey, havent updated here in a while, and as i'm just sat around this morning, having done almost all my packing and all but 1 of my flatmates having left - the other being currently preoccupied with his gf. tis strange being alone and the room being so empty with lots of stuff packed into suitcases....yet feels kinda christmassy, i suppose cos when i was younger we had to tidy up so much for christmas, now at home they dont bother which is gonna be annoying! yeah if you havent gathered i'm in my uni flat, going "home" this afternoon...not actually feeling too bad about it. i know God's gonna look after me. and i'm not in cov a whole lot, but have lots of things to keep me occupied...like 3 assignments and a load of revision!! plus travelling to haze's and then my grandma's after christmas, so will fly by. i love being here tho, but its usually sooo hectic & busy, this morning has been nice just lazing around not doing alot really, wandering round in my pyjamas not having housework or lectures or course work to do (well have technically but doesnt need doing as stuff is packed up...but should vacuum!!) whats been going on recently? well lots of christmas socials which have been pretty fun...very tiring! last weekend i spent half of it with GB which was cool, i love them to bits & miss them already. saturday night was the christmas disco which was fun, then sunday morning we had parade/nativity service which went pretty well and then got invited back to my captains for sunday dinner, that was brill!! spent half the afternoon there and then tracey drove me back to change & took me down to the student carol service where i stewarded for the next 2 services, left at 8:30ish, having barely been home all day. but it was a fab day! i love spending time with tracey, rose & naomi, they're like my family here. and then at the carol service i was working with this nice guy called dan....nice & fanciable!! monday night i was at GB again, for the christmas party, spent 1/2hr playing with stephen, naomi's little boy (a yr old?) he's soooo cute & took to me, especially when the girls arrived. soooo sleepy now!!

am pissed off & lonely....just been talking to chris online & it started ok...then he started asking my clothing size & wouldnt say why, then went onto not regretting kissing me & talking about the possibility of us getting married in the future, and when i go back to cov wanting to meet up with me & talk & stuff, and i'm like why would i want to come back confused & he was like "ur strong. we can be strong together" what the hell?!? i dont need this. my flatmates say tell him to fuck off, but he wouldnt listen, i know that & i wouldnt say it cos i know he wouldnt listen & i dont like making enemies, even if it would get him off my back....they just dont understand me or the way chris is. the way he confuses me and makes me unsure of how i feel...and his persistance. on the up side toms talking to me now & we had quite a good conv earlier, thanks to chris in many ways...unfortunately. where the hell is hazel when i need her???! fine if she wont reply to my text & isnt online then i'm going to bed!!

yeah i've gone down with a cold & feel totally groggy!! and tonights the freshers ball as well & i was looking forward to dressing up but now i feel crap. worried about haze...she's not been in contact for 2days now, and usually she'll text or msn me at least once a day :S she's not replied to any of my texts and not been online so worried about her. had 2 guys in my room earlier, on their 2nd attempt to get their frisbee back from on the roof above my room. their first contraption was a broom & vacuum cleaner hose but that didnt work. so we used some string & a unbent metal coathanger & some keys & eventualy got it down, with one of them hanging out of the window (on 4th floor!!) was quite funny really.

ha! i thought i could leave everything behind when i moved...that was a joke! got a package this morning addressed to "Miss Amy Louise Dale" no one ever uses that except my grandma!! with a letter and a present from chris, hmmm! a letter fine, a present no, it was a kinda sweet present, except for the fact that hes got a girlfriend, and is still telling me he loves me!! tom is just being an arse, he went in a mood with me earlier cos he said something about me having said goodbye to chris & i was like well you could have met up with me if you'd wanted to & he was like "i was busy" and so i was like yeah so was i but i was making time for people & he went in a mood, and hasnt spoke to me since! guys are trouble!! being overloaded with information again...and we seem to have soo much reading to do if we want to know stuff, it seems so much, how do we fit it in and where do we start with it all???

woo i'm in soton now...at uni, all alone, all the stuff back home left behind, seems a different world away. uni can seem kinda lonely at times, cos i dont know anyone well enough to class them as a friend or hug, but i get on well with my flatmates which is good. everyone seems pretty friendly. looking forward to going to the CU halls meal tonight...CU are more my people, and i get to see sally, who despite only living on the floor below me i havent seen yet. been out drinking 2 nights in a row with my flatmates & im totally shattered, its not really my thing, would rather be curled up in bed reading a book, but u have to be sociable. anyways despite the bad stuff its good, its good to be away from problems, and its a learning experience...just takes time to settle in properly. will be better when i've started GB & my course & got into a routine.

figure i should update...on my laptop :) hehe! got it last week. work has been ok, stressful in a hidden way, we have our new manager now, its not either of gail or steve, but a totally new guy called steve who's older. he seems ok & i worked with him this afternoon & he was alright. worked with my mate steve on his last shift at our store last night, that was good & i did alot of the stuff he'd been given to do...if i wasnt leaving & if gail actually saw what i do i reckon i should be a supervisor!! i really dont know how theyre gonna cope without me cos the other sales assistants arent particuarly confident in their job, or cant be bothered, or dont think. i get on with stuff, i know where things are in the shop, i know the majority of the fruit & veg codes, i know how to do some of the computer stuff & use the HHT scanner, i can date check properly & reduce to suitable prices without having to ask! and im the only one jan trusts to do the cash boxes. hopefully i'll keep in touch with jan & steve, theyve made working there much better & they are my mates, they treat me as an equal & i love them. next week is a busy week, mainly socialising & saying goodbye. on weds i'm going down to cambridge to see hazel & stay overnight which im looking forward to! thurs night is my last GB here. then friday night i'm meeting up with chris for a drink & for him to tell me stuff, then going to D of E, before then meeting up with bex to go out to jumpin jaks! i have no idea if i'm gonna get to see charlie or tom at all, as theyre at uni during the day and stuff. got to start packing soon :s

mmm :( dont feel very happy, so much has been going on recently with so many emotions...but this eve i just feel low, lonely & unwanted. chris has been hassling me wanting to meet up for this talk only when im free he's working & visa versa, he's ignoring me now cos he obv didnt like something i said. tom is back, but is now attached - he got a girlfriend whilst out there, i want him to be happy & know it wouldnt work between us, so i am happy for him...but i cant help feeling unwanted...most of my friends/people around me are paired up, but then theres that im moving away so y'know. work has been better, gail is being friendly & i've been getting along great with steve. feel a strange attachment towards him & protective with the hostile situations, we've had some good convs & i've been getting to know him. kinda started with him taking me for a drive to a couple of stores the other night & i just feel like God's put him on my heart to pray for him & be there for him & encourage him - altho i dont know how. feel soo tired & isolated...gone quiet on hazel but i dont know really how to explain how im feeling or why, anyways i know her response.

meh feel really tired and looking at the computer all afternoon is giving me a headache! Stupid uni made me use my credit card to pay the pre-payment amount for accommodation...had no intention of actually using that card, for starters it doesnt feel like ive actually spent the money, i know i have but its not deducted from anywhere! been talking to becky, sam, charlie & chris. chris...hmm well, i know he's keeping stuff from me and now he's avoiding answering a question that probably would reveal some stuff & lies. he does annoy me & moving away isnt going to make much difference cos hes still online! miss tom...want to run away from the feelings & emotions cos i cant do anything about them or the situation

last night was good, went to Rose's 19th party at the golden cross pub in town. met up with charlie beforehand and we went for a drink down the hare & squirrel. was cool to be out socialising...had malibu & coke all night...doesnt make me ill so thats good! met a guy called oliver...well didnt really, my friend renamed herself oliver so that i could have a guy tell me they love me...so the text in my phone is from oliver, lol. totally confused hazel cos i just text her saying oliver loves me & of course cos i've been going on about tom to her all week she was like "whaatt???" & then i was talking to her on the phone & explained...cos charlie was going on about her boyfriend & i was like "no guy loves me" not exactly true but its not something i can be public about & not something that means i have him beside me. spent the eve with becky, charlie, mel & james (hedgehog) which was cool, had some good convs & a laugh...for once it was good to be out socialising & drinking.

ooo saw tom yesterday...spent the afternoon with him actually. i was feeling really ill & threw up & stuff & he came round to look after me & help me with the housework bless him. and he did make me feel so much better. after doing the housework (defrosting the fridge & hanging out the washing) we ended up messing round on my bed. hes so lovely, we both love each other and im just so comfortable round him, he makes me really happy :D however crap i feel, he knows when somethings up even when i dont say or lie. he knows loads about me & i totally trust him. yesterday showed how close we really are, and how much we respect each other. he is the ONE thing/person i hate having to leave behind to go to uni & thats whats stopping us being together in an official relationship, but 4years will test our love & lets just hope/pray that he might change his mind about marriage in that time...as i dont believe/want/agree in sex before marriage

hohum....life. well looking forward to uni, altho i'm gonna be so poor, £3,000 a year for accommodation, £42 for ONE textbook! as for the immediate time in my life...well my head is a mess over emotions relating to tom, spoke to him online, he wants to see me, but reckons we wont get to see each other before he goes away next weds...want to see him, but feel kinda weird about it *sighs* have no idea what to do, or how to respond : ( so shattered...been working loads, its wearing me down now, cos Gails being a bit bossy & overstrict & stuff. have had 2 days at home alone...has been good, now dad & helen's home, when i could do with a bit of space.

Woo! got results today, a B in psychology and C's in maths and biology, pleased and relieved about that! Means i'm into Southampton uni which is where i wanted to go & have already got links there! so looking forward to that! Am sooo shattered tho! Pissed off with chris, after all his begging me to meet up with him, he's now decided maybe its best if we dont & he just emails me instead, twat! Tom...well we talk, but things seem to me to be distant, we're certainly not as close as we were before, even as friends, and it makes me unhappy.

right well last night i had a long conv with tom & basically i ended up spending half the eve crying my eyes out, cos i love him & despite him saying he wants to be with me he also says that a relationship wouldnt work cos we're too different. so basically thats that messed up & i probably wont ever get to spend time with him again, feel like my life is totally screwed up at the mo. came online this afternoon to find 2 emails, one from Carl (he's dropped the 'babe' which is good) that was ok, and one from Chris - he's still away but manages to email me from Ibiza (did last yr around this time too), so now i know for definate when that problem comes back altho i'll be away by then, but dont think that will stop him trying to talk to me, cos it wont!! i'm so tired from not sleeping properly, i still have no friends or social life & still have no idea where God is or what he's doing.

how sad is this, i'm being emailed by a 30ish year old guy that i occasionally work with, what do i have in common with him? only that we're employed by the same company & occasionaly work together...it seems a bit weird!! ah well i suppose at the mo i cant be fussy over who my friends are, as i have very few!!! also at work i discovered that stacey has been talking to tom, apparently her cousin (stef) tried to go out with him & he got her email addy somehow, so yeah that was a bit of a dampner cos it meant he was/is constantly on my mind again & i have no idea how to handle things or my feelings, work is my chill time in that sense. all sounds pretty pathetic!! -------------------edit----------------------- sunday 24th ok maybe i'm overreacting & getting unneccesarily concerned, but carl emailed me back today with "hello there babe" hmm now i know some guys call all females "babe" but i'm also aware that i know very little about carl & i've also got no one to talk to about it, if anything goes wrong i've got no friends, tho i suppose theres Jan at work & she does kinda know him. have spent the day having to put up with my sister & her boyfriend here, just adding to my feeling of lonliness & unsureness about me & tom. can't wait to see hazel at RISE, tho i know its only for a week & when i come back i'll still have no one to talk to, to share my happiness.

why do i bother with anything?! i'm nobody, nothing i can do is or will ever be good enough for anyone. i come back from wales to abuse from charlie for not replying to texts and phonecalls when i wasnt there, nobody can ever care enough by her standards. i've not seen tom for 2 weeks, not spoken to him in a week & 1/2 cos of being away, so last time i saw him was that afternoon we spent together really close. i miss him like crazy but y'know what, he doesnt seem to care, he seems to have absolutely no affection for me, not even as a friend, and yeah it bloody hurts. i cant get it right, somewhere something always gets screwed up, bet i'm not gonna get to see him at all now. just to add to my crapness & lonliness. o & i have the joy of chris contacting me to tell me how he felt to look forward to, no i dont need any of this, i just want a friend, a hug, someone close. but i've only got haze & she's too far away. God doesnt care, doesnt want to know me at the mo, he's been so distant for months now. so the only thing in my life thats of any worth is work, where they want & need me, where i'm trusted & they like me, where i can earn money but what good is money when i have no social life??! so its meant for uni, but still i'm saving up for somethign that might not happen, for something that might go horribly wrong like everything else!